tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-77811692291446410062023-11-16T01:00:58.568-06:00fire + stoneStephanie Nicolehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03420543801568660140noreply@blogger.comBlogger44125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7781169229144641006.post-43695434451093563972019-10-18T12:12:00.004-05:002019-10-18T12:21:37.852-05:00Real Talk - It's Not "Pretty" But Who Decided What Pretty Is?<br />
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I saw this quote on instagram the other day: "remember, you are in control of how you show up in the world. i hope you choose to be big and not shrink for the comfort of others. give yourself permission to take up space, and bloom wildly without regret." - alex elle</div>
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My greatest fear is that I won’t be heard or believed and yet I don’t speak my truth for fear of others anger, thoughts or judgments. This was a mind blowing revelation to me. - And this is slowly changing and I’m so proud of myself - It was a hard realization for me because I thought I was an honest person who was genuine, and while that’s true in my love for others it has not been true in my love for myself. </div>
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Nor has it been true in my opinions, views on big topics or when I need to speak up for myself or stand strong in my decisions or intuition. I am learning that I matter and that the way I respond to things is valid. That my feelings are valid because they’re my feelings (thanks Grant for giving Care that gold). I am learning that my intuition is actually most often right and I now regret when I don’t act upon it or when I let others sway me. </div>
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I can be strong. I can be weak. I can be consistent. I can flip flop. I can feel bliss. I can feel pain. I can feel blah or discontent and not feel shame in that. I am learning to (work on at least) accept negative realities while still finding hope and pockets of joy. </div>
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This sounds uplifting to me now as I read it but in all honesty it has been hard and painful. And it still is. Cuz as much as I wish I had already learned and applied these things and could tell you how amazing life is when you’re truly you and feel no guilt or shame in who that is or how she speaks, lives, mothers and acts; I am not there yet. </div>
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I’m in the hard parts, the ugly parts. I’m learning things about me that aren’t pretty, some are sad, and all require hard emotional work. Thank you counseling, digging into self and soul, the enneagram and worship. And if I'm being honest, most days I feel too tired to continue. but I don’t give up because that moment when I when I told someone no and gave no unnecessary explanation just to make sure their emotions were fine, I felt free. </div>
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Because in the midst of a rough day of parenting all wrong and crying 8 times before lunch, I also managed to enjoy some time with the kids and show them what an apology looks like. The enjoying of motherhood hasn’t come easy for me (that’s another post for another day) and the guilt and shame is staggering. So to feel some enjoyment during a rough day and being able to recognize the guilt and work on it has been huge. </div>
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I don’t give up because even in the midst of an argument or an open discussion/debate, I now check in with myself and make sure I believe in what I’m saying and that it’s true to my feelings and my person. And then I continue on, altho roughly as learning to state my opinion is tricky and I’m so new to it, and then I feel confident after that I stayed true to myself. I heard me. I believed me. So it no longer matters to me as much if you haven’t. It will always matter somewhat because that’s still important, but it doesn’t crush me and take away my breath all the time anymore, just sometimes. </div>
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I don’t give up because even though doubt and confusion are scary, asking questions and digging into the doubt is powerful and necessary in order to find Truth and to believe in something and to believe in you. </div>
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So even though most days I still have a few good cries a day and drop a few serious swear words (Nighttime Stephanie has stuck around in a few ways lol) and even tho most days I still wonder what my purpose is or if I’ll ever quit failing at all the things, I also now have a quiet voice that timidly and courageously speaks up.</div>
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It whisper shouts and tells me that crying is therapeutic and swear words are expressive (away from my kids lol) and that purpose is to be found along the way over and over again and often by surprise or in the mundane. that quiet voice also reminds me that failure is only determined by me and I can choose whether it’s “failure” or growth or failure AND growth. Like I always tell my 5 year old “you’re in charge of you”. And I choose to keep going. To keep learning, to keep leaning in to my negative emotions so I can walk through them instead of hiding them. I choose to keep crying and screaming and laughing. I choose to keep loving and rocking children at night (sometimes while crying because shiiiit i am so TIRED) and telling my family and friends “No, this is who I am now”. I choose to keep learning who that is. I choose to promise her that one day I will feel that amazing love and connection to her and in the meantime I will relish and respect her and the process. <3</div>
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as always, thanks for listening and I love you guys</div>
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the lighting was amazing. husband called me out; got a text that said 'quite taking selfies you're gonna be late lol' but you know, as lizzo says "fresh photos with the bomb lighting" lol </div>
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my daily life. usually one, often three, children touching me at once and demanding my attention</div>
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i love this one so much. i am learning just how often i have not seen my potential just because I am a girl. its been hurting my heart but freeing at the same time. time for change.</div>
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read this twice <3</div>
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real life. bad lighting. the swollen eyelids are almost ever present. it me.</div>
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this is the one!</div>
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Stephanie Nicolehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03420543801568660140noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7781169229144641006.post-25793678133927657092019-04-29T00:58:00.000-05:002019-04-29T09:29:39.538-05:002019; The Year of No More Bullsh*t <div class="MsoNormal">
It has been so very long since my last post. Life has been happening, I guess. I am in the mood to write today; could be because it’s 1:12 in the morning and everyone is asleep and it’s finally quiet. I haven’t totally decided what I want to write about, which is unusual. Normally I have something I want to say or need to share an update and so it’s easy to sit down and spit it out. Today is different. I feel unsettled inside, I feel the need to create but have no outlet. I feel like I want to do some self-reflection but don’t really know where to begin.<o:p></o:p></div>
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I’ve definitely been doing a lot of learning about myself in the last while. Since my post a year ago about being rescued from my Black Hole - <a href="http://fireandstone.blogspot.com/2018/04/the-black-hole-part-1.html" target="_blank">part one</a> and <a href="http://fireandstone.blogspot.com/2018/04/the-black-hole-part-2.html" target="_blank">part two</a> - (thank you for coming to get me, Jesus) I have been searching. Both for the Truth about who God really is, as well as who I really am. Trying to understand how I could be loved without doing something to earn it is just something I really haven’t grasped yet.<o:p></o:p></div>
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I’ve been getting really into the Enneagram. It’s a complicated personality test that assigns you a couple of numbers or types you are like. But it also describes you in your levels of unhealthy and health, describes your relationship with all the other number types and gives you very specific ways that you can work on growing yourself healthily. I LOVE IT. You can take the free, quick test <a href="https://enneagramtest.net/" target="_blank">here</a> for a start if you want. It has been SO fascinating.<o:p></o:p></div>
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I am a 2; The Helper. This means that I’m.. you guessed it, HELPFUL hahah And when healthy; generous, loving, and people oriented, and not healthy; people pleasing and possessive. I love everyone and would basically do anything for anybody, but have trouble setting boundaries with that, don’t feel appreciated if you don’t take my advice, and care far too much about whether you love me or not. 2’s have an issue with pride (can’t even type it in me form, have to say 2’s ha) and have to be careful that they don’t use their helpfulness as manipulation to make people need them so that they feel loved. Their (my) deepest fear is that they are unworthy of being loved.<o:p></o:p></div>
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The test gives you three numbers that you are most like, then you read through the numbers on the <a href="https://www.enneagraminstitute.com/">https://www.enneagraminstitute.com/</a> under the nine type descriptions and see which of the three resonates the most. <b>The second that I read the deepest fear of a Two, I knew that was me.</b> And I could immediately see many instances where that has shaped me and my relationships with those that I love.<o:p></o:p></div>
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I’ve always known that I place a lot of my worth in my productivity and what I’ve given others. I honestly don’t know exactly what it is that I really love about myself that isn’t tied to what I think others would love about me. I see it when a friend is going through a hard time and I want to be there for them.. I’ve had to watch myself long before I found the Enneagram (thank God I did, now I get it ha) about why I was being there for them. Was it because I truly fully cared and wanted to be with them, help them carry their pain.. or was it because I wanted to be considered their best friend or was the best at being their friend? Now I know that 2’s always want to be the best. The best at whatever they’re doing, the best friend, the best everything. And it’s so that they feel they are worth loving. This is so sad to me. But while reading through it I was proud of myself that this is something I recognized in me a long time ago and I am usually able to check myself and my heart motivation before I do things and make sure it’s right, or change it so that it is the right motivation.<o:p></o:p></div>
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I’ve been working on talking to my body lately. Sounds strange, I know. But we talk to plants and they grow, our language to our children is so important for their development, and the bible states that the power of life and death is in the tongue. So I figured it’s about time I quit thinking a million shitty and average things about my body and start speaking good things to it, out loud. This will tie in yet to the top stuff, I promise. So whenever I’m showering, or just randomly when I remember throughout the day, I’ll place my hand on my stomach - because this is a part of me that has been the biggest change in the last few years. One of my biggest insecurities. So I grab it, I’ll even squish it around sometimes and just say “I’m so proud of you, body. You’re working so hard to keep me healthy and strong. You’re so cute. And no matter what I feed you, which vitamins I forget to take or what life throws at you, or how little sleep my kids let you have, you just keep pushing forward. I am so thankful for that.” Once I’ve said those things I truly AM in awe of what my body has all been able to do. and still. </div>
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So then I was surprised and delighted to find that after I said those things, I could GENUINELY say to my body “I love you, body.” This has been <u>life-giving</u> to me. </div>
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After doing this for only a couple of weeks I already noticed a change in myself.<o:p></o:p></div>
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I am no longer sucking in my stomach when I am walking down the street and run into people that I know. I am no longer nervous about the fact that while I am talking to someone my stomach fat has popped up out of my jeans and I’m no longer “tucked in”. I think a bit more before I eat that fourth handful of chips. (not always, work in progress). I find that I want to exercise, I want to help my body with all of the hard work it’s doing for me. I suddenly just couldn’t care less that when I sit I most definitely do not have a small roll, it’s a decent one. But I actually often don’t even try to make it look like I don’t have it. I do have it. Right now, that’s me. I’m fat. That word shouldn’t be scary or shameful. It’s descriptive, it’s true. And although I am not a healthy fat person, many are! I am an unhealthy fat person, whose disease affects weight gain in particular and whose weight affects the other health problems in particular, so I AM trying to lose weight.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<u>BUT</u> that doesn’t mean that in the process I can’t just be comfortable with who I am. And even love my body. truly love it. I can empty my mind of all those extra worried thoughts. I can wear cute clothes. I bought a crop top a few weeks ago, the day that I wear that this summer, and I WILL, is the day you will know that I have completely come to love my body in full. Not because it’s a shirt that shows a bit of my body part that I’m insecure about, but because it’s a style that I’ve loved but haven’t worn because I decided I couldn’t wear it because of what people would think. And partly because I felt that I wasn’t skinny enough. It is very exhausting to dress the way that you think others will approve of while trying to be yourself and in an industry that doesn’t really make a whole lot for your size.<o:p></o:p></div>
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So I decided that this was the year that I start to care more about what <b><i><u>I</u></i></b> think. Not others. I’m too tired for that. I too often let that dictate not only what I wear, but how I act and what I say. So I decided that my 2019 mantra was going to be “no more bullshit.” If I’m not saying how I’m feeling if someone has hurt me, or if I’m not stating my opinion on a matter that is very important to me, I’m actually being dishonest. I read that somewhere and it rattled me to my core because honesty is very important to me. I’m not being true to me, and why is that? Because if I don’t try to be a version that seems “perfect” of myself then someone might not love me? Every single one of you will have a different idea of what ‘perfect’ is anyways, that’s a lot to try and be and do. and none of you have asked that of me anyways! And who cares if someone doesn’t think I’m best?! I NO LONGER DO. well, a tiny part of me, sometimes a bigger part of me, still does. Hahahaha damn it, 2.<o:p></o:p></div>
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BUT anyways, this year I am trying to learn how to speak my mind, obviously still respectfully and kindly because of course, but I’m trying to learn when I know that my soul hurts if I won’t say it. And I have been finding that when I have the courage to do this, I feel very seen. Very heard. By myself <span style="font-family: "wingdings";">J</span> and turns out that this is one of the most liberating things that I can do for myself. I’m always so desperate for people to believe things I’m saying and to see and hear me. there’s a saying I heard once (on the Ellen show but I don’t remember if she just quoted Portia or if Portia quoted someone else lol) <i>“it is wonderful to be loved, but it is profound to be understood”</i>. I feel that so deeply. And I have slowly been learning in the last year that this doesn’t have to just mean from another person. I am learning to understand myself. I have a very long way to go, but this is it. This is the path I need to be on. We all need to be on a version of it. I am a person. I matter. You are a person, and you matter.<o:p></o:p></div>
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I feel like when I speak my mind, I’ve got my own back. I supported me. And sometimes when I am by myself later I feel kind of like clapping for me ha and giggling. Even if I know that maybe someone won’t see me the same anymore. I did it! I really did it! This is maybe sounding like something you can completely understand cuz you feel this one too, or maybe you think I sound like I’m waay off the deep end. You’re probably not a 2 then.. lol but you probably have a strong sense of self and I say wooop! You do you! I’m on my way there too <span style="font-family: "wingdings";">J</span><o:p></o:p></div>
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SO. Wow. Coming back around now.. lol since I started talking to my body like that, I realized I need to be doing that to my mind as well. It deserves thanking. I see that as a different piece of me. It deserves all the recognition. And this will include more than just thanking but also some rewriting of some toxic thoughts I’ve had and always believed about who I am and why I shouldn’t think I’m worthy of love. *The brain detox by dr. caroline leaf is extremely good at helping with that:<a href="https://21daybraindetox.com/" target="_blank">brain detox</a> She literally teaches you how to rewire your brain and your thinking. I need to be doing this, even just normally not in a program form, all the time.*<o:p></o:p></div>
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My mind is amazing. It does so much. I need to thank it, and I need to speak life to it. I need to remind me who I am, which right now is a lot of things and definitely is a person who is learning who she is.<u> I need to remember the good things about me that I like, not because it’s what makes others like me.</u> <b>Do you see the crucial difference between the two?</b> For so long, I just didn’t. this is amazing. I’m like getting pumped up as I’m typing because I’m an external processor and I’m literally having epiphanies as I write hahaha<o:p></o:p></div>
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I might as well start now. (also, this is seriously just for me. I don’t need validation from anyone, for once hahaha not until my husband reads it and I make him tell me these things are true right?? HA no no…)<o:p></o:p></div>
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I like me because..<o:p></o:p></div>
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-I am an optimist. it helps me get through, and it gives me so much excitement and anticipation.<o:p></o:p></div>
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-I am hopeful. Similar, I realize, but without that.. I’d have no joy. And no belief. But belief also creates it so… interesting circle there.<o:p></o:p></div>
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-I like me because I can be pretty funny. When I’ve slept enough and taken my iron. Hahahahaha<o:p></o:p></div>
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-because I’m always looking for ways to up my game on the parenting side of things. I want to know what’s going to be a healthy way of doing things for my kids so they grow up knowing they are loved no matter what, and that they want to be kind.<o:p></o:p></div>
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-I like me because I'm fairly I’m self-aware, and becoming more so. I genuinely like to learn about myself and see how I can change things. One of these things would be that I have a hard time hearing negative things about my character and apologizing and fixing them .. so I’m working on that ;)<o:p></o:p></div>
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-I like me .. hmm.. this is actually harder than I thought. Which is good. I’m learning to see me as me, not as someone for others to like.<o:p></o:p></div>
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-I like me because I have very deep emotions. Sometimes I’m embarrassed by them or feel like they shouldn’t be, or that others won’t understand them and therefore won’t believe them, but I’m learning that I’m thankful for them. That it’s enough that I know them. Everything is felt richly and I’m learning to work with the negative ones and accept and move through and then I’m able to feel the positive ones even MORE fully.<o:p></o:p></div>
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-I like me because I’m fun. I’m up for anything, unless it’s illegal or too high off the ground. Ha<o:p></o:p></div>
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-beCAUSE I follow the rules. I used to hate this about myself. Why couldn’t I just relax?? Be like other ‘normal’ kids and teens. But you know, I have nothing that I look back on and think.. I wish I had broken that rule. And I also have nothing I look back on and think oh shit I wish I hadn’t broken that one, cuz I didn’t. HAHAHHA and I’m ok with that. I am me and that’s just that. Love it or leave it people haha (although I am now ok with knowing we have broken the hotel limit of the amount of ppl per room.. HA)<o:p></o:p></div>
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-I like me because.. my hair. That’s it. All I got about that one. I will never stop talking about my hairdresser. Ever. Hahaha not a personality trait I realize but honestly, I used to not like my hair either. What a waste of time and emotion, not liking so many things about oneself.<o:p></o:p></div>
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So here’s to 2019! The Year of No More Bullshit. The year of becoming more genuine, not because I’ve been “fake” before, but because I’ll truly know me. And I’ll know what genuine looks like for me. The year of becoming more self-aware, more self-loving and in turn being able to love others more truly. A version of the Enneagram or someone writing about it (not sure) states that a 2 deep down, truly has just forgotten that they are loved in Christ, that Jesus loves them. . not because of what they do but literally just because. Imagine, an <i>unconditional</i> love. Your productivity, your ‘likeableness’, your knowledge, your things you do to ‘earn’ love, doesn’t affect the amount of love at all. My goal is to really get that. <u>Something that pure can only be genuine.</u> <u>Can only shape me for the better.</u> <u>There will be no room for any more bullsh*t.<o:p></o:p></u></div>
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I’m ready; Let’s see what 2019 Stephanie looks like. Who Stephanie really is. I'm excited to get to know me. Thanks for coming with me <3<o:p></o:p></div>
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me, life: </div>
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<span style="font-size: x-small;">Yes, I put this one first because it’s the one where I just saw my hairdresser and this is what’s gonna show up on facebook. Pride *shakes head at 2’s greatest sin but does nothing about it*</span><o:p></o:p></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhFox5Lz8ljJyIfjYEF_CdpxnWWzlYkdpzGRCOOK0qvvVAVrSMfl5gCuedKN87piTjNigq3HlzY6I5msMX93fGWBsBMF5yqedupH4w2dFbP_as0q1CyIM6yogNtyCQ4uzxw-pRLRv7E6RQE/s1600/1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1280" data-original-width="960" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhFox5Lz8ljJyIfjYEF_CdpxnWWzlYkdpzGRCOOK0qvvVAVrSMfl5gCuedKN87piTjNigq3HlzY6I5msMX93fGWBsBMF5yqedupH4w2dFbP_as0q1CyIM6yogNtyCQ4uzxw-pRLRv7E6RQE/s400/1.jpg" width="300" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-size: x-small;">that's a legitimate face i made when i thought the wind was going to blow me off the play center HA</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: x-small;">my baby (twin B)</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: x-small;">instagram vs. reality: marriage edition</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: x-small;">my girls (Twin A and big sis)</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: x-small;">sister <3</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: x-small;">my workout buddy, 3x a week, sometimes haha</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: x-small;">we live for walks</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: x-small;">when the 4 year old is the photographer</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: x-small;">we do this before bed every night, with baby boy jumping all over us ha</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: x-small;">we clearly rock at selfies </span></div>
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<span style="font-size: x-small;">middle of the night look; courtesy of the twins </span></div>
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<span style="font-size: x-small;">looooook at him aaaaaaack;ajgja;ldsf;lskdf *heart eyes*</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: x-small;">i am not tall</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: x-small;">watching daddy play hockey!</span></div>
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alright, i saved this one for last. honestly just because i knew maybe some of you wouldn't have made it this far. and it's still a better angle than real life because i'm just nervous. but this is me. and my beautiful, squishy, fat stomach that i've hidden for so long. i follow a woman on instgram (@thebirdspapaya) and she made a post about her body as well and said something to the effect of how once she had shared it for the world to see the shame was gone. the thing she'd been hiding now couldn't be hidden and suddenly she didn't need to anymore. and that's what i want. no shame. there's no reason. i have no reason to hide. i am not my weight. i am so many things. (the @iweigh movement is good for that too). i don't need comments of any kind about this, unless you want to share something with me personally, because this is just for me. and i'm scared, and i know that's why i need to do it. i know when i hit publish i will feel that shame lifting. i dont need to hide me and now i don't have to. </div>
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Stephanie Nicolehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03420543801568660140noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7781169229144641006.post-2232411078881797022018-09-16T02:06:00.002-05:002018-09-16T22:28:39.033-05:00Health Update (super original title)This is just a health update! first some stressful/negative point form notes yay lol then some explanation and a bit of good news too.<br />
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Things I already knew:<br />
- I have hyothyroidism<br />
- I have Intracranial Hypertension<br />
- My iron is low<br />
- I need to lose weight in order to fix the second one (which is difficult with the first one and being an emotional eater)<br />
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Things that I now know after numerous doctor appointments:<br />
- All the above are still accurate<br />
- I've now been diagnosed with chronic anemia<br />
- my spleen is enlarged<br />
- my liver is enlarged, and not working well<br />
- there are fatty deposits on my liver but no lesions (so no wound, ulcer, abscess or tumor)<br />
- my blood is breaking down too quickly; my blood cells are not living as long as they should.<br />
- i have an upcoming ultrasound to check for uterus cysts and to check my ovaries.<br />
- the reason my face has been going numb could be because of the low iron or anxiety attacks; I am leaning toward a combo but it definitely seemed anxiety related (this is a new level of anxiety for me.. that's a whole 'nother blog post)<br />
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My doctor thinks most of these things are caused by the low iron and the hypothyroidism. She is hoping that by taking iron, losing weight and continuing my current dosage of meds that my body should figure itself out for the most part.<br />
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She is referring me to an Internal Medicine Doctor and testing me for some autoimmune diseases. Hopefully that's just to rule out the major things. They also want to figure out why my liver is enlarged.<br />
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To say I'm a bit freaked out would be accurate. I don't enjoy going to the doctor or having blood tests done and it's basically all I've done the last couple of weeks, with more to come. I just want to be better and to be healthy. I want to focus on my family and enjoy my motherhood. I want to go to the doctor and hear some good news.<br />
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But most of all, i just want to be at peace.. not matter what the circumstances. Working on that through prayer and some very real conversations with the Father today. <3<br />
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My symptoms are all over the map. Exhaustion, muscle spasms, sharp pains, liver pain, nausea, headaches, anger, hot flashes, chills, mood swings, anxiety attacks, 16 day periods, did i mention exhaustion? lol<br />
HOWEVER.. I have been working on myself. About 1.5 weeks before my appointment that told me all of these things (around Aug 16), I noticed a shift. I have mostly stopped stress eating. My exercises and advice from my counselor were working without me noticing. We then went on a week long trip with gas station food and fast food.. then came home and it was chaos and kids and dr appts and now it's today. And somehow I've only stress eaten three times in the last month. This is insane for me. And one time was with an apple so it was great for me ha I have lost 9 pounds and my mind and my insides already feel better.<br />
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I have been drinking iron right out of the bottle and taking multivitamins, vitamin D and a liver cleanse pill. I can actually get out of bed in the morning almost right away and when the kids go down for a nap I don't sit the entire time. Things are changing for me.. it feels like in the right direction.<br />
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This makes my thought processes a little more complicated as I am noticing some improvements but know that I still have impending specialist, ultrasound and blood test appointments. I'm anxious but I'm hopeful. I'm afraid but I feel like maybe I don't need to be or maybe I should be more. It's confusing guys. lol<br />
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I'm basically just updating you all as a number of people have been asking me lately how I've been doing. And it actually feels good to have it all typed out instead of just thinking it all and having it fly around my head.<br />
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In order to be able to stay off medication for the pressure surrounding my brain, I have to lose another 17 pounds by the beginning of December . Those pills are something I never want to be on again due to the side effects I felt after using them for only 6 days. I have noticed a shift in how quickly I'm losing weight and it's definitely a mix of the fact that I'm eating healthier options (altho I've done this before with almost no results) and no stress eating and my blood tests showed that for the first time my thyroid levels are perfect (on medication, so we got my dose right this time yay!). I am extremely grateful for this. The rest is up to me and I finally feel like I'm doing my part. The rest of the rest is up to my body and Jesus.<br />
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I would 100% love to ask you for your prayers. Specifically that I am able to have the energy to keep on working on myself, that I will be able to keep the fear and anxiety under control and of course for healing. Thanks for being with me.<br />
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I am still tired. But I am moving forward.<br />
<3<br />
love you guys.<br />
<br />Stephanie Nicolehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03420543801568660140noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7781169229144641006.post-1893682318085964002018-08-01T22:09:00.001-05:002018-08-01T22:35:00.940-05:00Birthday Adventures<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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FILM! </div>
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I get so excited about it every time. We've had a bit of a busy last while, hence the reason these pictures are from March haha oops. BUT this was a milestone for me as I was really happy that I remembered some of the tips my sister taught me (check her out here: <a href="https://www.instagram.com/carrielynnungerphoto/" target="_blank">Carrie Lynn Unger Photography</a>) #shamelessadvertising .. and applied them. Most of these pictures actually turned out how I was imagining they would! ACK! personal win! ha </div>
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We had a full 2 day, 1 night weekend together in March for both of our birthdays. My birthday is in December so we were a bit late but I mean, twin babies. That's always why. ha It was <u>thee</u> perfect weekend; we each planned a day for the other and we hit the nail on the head. We actually ended up both planning surprise drinks with all of her friends (they're also my precious winnipeg friends hehe) for each night for each other LOL they kept both secrets well and were good sports with spending both evenings with us haha it was a blast :) </div>
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here is our adventure</div>
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Breakfast </div>
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quick photoshoot on top of the hotel - cost us another $2 in parking haha worth it.</div>
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I conquered a lot of fears to get here; elevators, heights & parkades. It was a rough few minutes man</div>
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hotel view - we were blessed with a free night :') it was magical.</div>
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a morning swim</div>
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tattoo: a jack pine that I drew from the street we grew up on together. I have the same one on my arm <3</div>
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tattoo: perfect love casts out all fear </div>
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supper</div>
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I took her to this stunning greenhouse (thanks to a friend for the suggestion)</div>
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I wish I didn't kill plants :'( I want them all.</div>
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We took a look at <a href="https://www.instagram.com/pepo.ceramics/" target="_blank">Pepo Ceramics</a> and <a href="https://www.instagram.com/lot.15/" target="_blank">lot.15</a> <3</div>
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PERSONAL FAVES - I MEAN, LOOK AT THE GOLD</div>
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and finally got a tour of our cousin's business! He creates and hand makes beautiful clothing: <a href="http://www.commonwealthmfg.com/" target="_blank">Commonwealth Mfg</a></div>
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on my bucket list; climb a fire escape. again with the heights but I did it!</div>
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MORE GREENHOUSE</div>
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She found a plant baby :)</div>
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we just cannot resist mirror selfies</div>
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she took me to the CONSERVATORY :') it was perfect.</div>
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pure magic.</div>
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also, cutest model alert</div>
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I shot black & white film for my first time! I have quite a bit to learn but i LOVED it. </div>
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it makes everything look like a totally different world</div>
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CACTI!</div>
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It was the most perfect weekend and I want to go back, all the time :) </div>
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Love you sister shrub.</div>
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<3</div>
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Ps. I am always open to tips/critique/advice for film! I do the very basics right now ha Also, location suggestions! Preferably outdoors or abandoned hehe</div>
<br />Stephanie Nicolehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03420543801568660140noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7781169229144641006.post-10050013745606916862018-04-16T21:53:00.002-05:002018-04-16T21:53:15.020-05:00The Black Hole: Part 2<br />
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0cm; orphans: 2; widows: 2;">
<u style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif;"><b>PART TWO</b></u></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0cm; orphans: 2; widows: 2;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0cm; orphans: 2; widows: 2;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">Easter Sunday was two
weeks away. </span></span>
</div>
<div style="font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0cm; orphans: 2; widows: 2;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">I was scheduled to sing
lead for praise and worship. I was supposed to worship. To declare
His victory and His Love for His people. While in a black hole. At
first I seriously thought about asking someone to switch with me,
wondered if I should even be up there at all anymore.</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0cm; orphans: 2; widows: 2;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">But thank the
Lord we do not have to be perfect in order to worship. In order to
inspire and in order to be used by God. We don't even have to have
complete confidence in what we are doing in order to worship. </span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0cm; orphans: 2; widows: 2;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">Singing is the MOST potent place for me. I connect to Father that way
the strongest. I feel Him there. I know He is with me and I”m
overwhelmed in so many ways when I do. So I knew that I needed to do
it. And although as a lead worshipper you are supposed to do exactly
that, I knew this one would be for me. And I asked the Father to use
that for others anyways as I would be focused elsewhere. </span></span>
</div>
<div style="font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0cm; orphans: 2; widows: 2;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm; orphans: 2; widows: 2;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">During these two weeks
before Easter Sunday I get sick. And it gets worse. And all the kids have been and are still sick. And nobody is sleeping. So i get worse. Well, by Wednesday I
didn't have much of a voice and could barely breathe in every few
seconds without coughing. No way on earth was I going to be able to
sing. So I emailed for a backup, someone to take my place. (by backup/replacement I mean another lead singer) And she said sure but wait to
decide till closer. So I prayed and I took everything I could
possibly take naturally and tylenols and more tylenols.</span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm; orphans: 2; widows: 2;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">By Saturday I was somehow just barely able
to sing through every song except one. So I told my replacement that
and how I really wanted to sing but I didn't want to ruin everyone's worship and blah blah. So much indecisiveness but inside I was
telling God that I desperately needed to sing. Because the song
Reckless Love was added a few days before... and that's the one. </span></span>
</div>
<div style="font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0cm; orphans: 2; widows: 2;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm; orphans: 2; widows: 2;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">I knew it. I felt it so
surely in me that I felt absolutely <b>panicked</b>. If I didn't sing that song,
I wasn't sure what was going to happen to me. No peace here. I tried.</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0cm; orphans: 2; widows: 2;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">I tried to believe He
would heal me in time. But man.... that's hard. And for something so
'unimportant' but so so important. And although my replacement had no
idea what I was all thinking and going through, she was like 'oh I'll
come to rehearsal but you try it out.' She was so willing to help but
try her hardest to get me to be able to sing. It was such a relief.
<i>Please God, make it work. I want to sing</i>. “You will.” I
heard that so many times, even as I wondered if I could be any more
selfish. </span></span>
</div>
<div style="font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0cm; orphans: 2; widows: 2;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0cm; orphans: 2; widows: 2;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">Rehearsal time. Sunday
morning. New songs so we practiced them over and over. Belting them
out. I knew immediately I wouldn't be able to do one of them for
sure, not if I wanted to sing Reckless Love. So my amazing
replacement said 'Oh well I can do that one and you do the others.'
Again, so willing to make it work .. and had no idea what this was
meaning to me. </span></span>
</div>
<div style="font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0cm; orphans: 2; widows: 2;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0cm; orphans: 2; widows: 2;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">The Easter service
started. We sang our songs, she sang the one.. and I did it! I was
able to sing them! And Reckless Love was beautiful and moving. And I
was so thankful. I really had heard Him say “You will.” it wasn't
just me. He listened, He answered. He knows my love language, He
knows how I connect with Him and He made sure that I was able to do
so. It proved something to me .. but it didn't break me (yet) like I thought
it would.</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0cm; orphans: 2; widows: 2;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0cm; orphans: 2; widows: 2;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">And all hell broke loose.
Now I'm not saying this was happening just because of my specific
situation but most definitely I believe the devil didn't want anyone
getting anything out of this Easter service. After a Spirit filled
worship, we had not one, but two people collapse and be taken to the
hospital. Right then and there. And what did our pastors do? They did
not sweep it under the rug, they did not preach their planned
sermons, they got us all praying together, everyone stretching out
their hands. We prayed for healing, for peace. The ambulance came and
they were taken away (to be safely and healthily released just a few
hours later!) and we spent the entire morning praising and
worshipping and praying!! and there's no possible way that should
have worked with my voice the way it was. And the point wasn't that
it was my voice that was needed for praise and worship. It was that I
needed to do it, for me. And He knew that.</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0cm; orphans: 2; widows: 2;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">And He used that for
others as well. Not just me. And nothing stopped us from having an
amazing morning of not just a regular Easter service with the story..
but <u>pure freedom</u>.</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0cm; orphans: 2; widows: 2;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0cm; orphans: 2; widows: 2;">
“<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">He called my name,
and I ran out of that grave”. I have NEVER felt that level of
freedom on stage ever. Or maybe anywhere in my life ever. We sang Reckless Love
two more times yet at the end and although I could not talk - ask the
band members baha I sounded like a growly scratchy barely there
whisper voice - BUT I SANG. And not only did I sing. I YELLED. I
moved. I cried! Hard. And sang still! I wish that I could convey
these feelings through these words but it's just not possible. It's
like I blacked out but was still able to feel, everything. I wish I
had video, so you could see me. So I could see what it looked like.
But it really doesn't matter. Because those who were there (for sure
some anyways) felt it. And felt their own freedom. </span></span>
</div>
<div style="font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0cm; orphans: 2; widows: 2;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">It was like nothing I had
ever experienced. The band is so so amazing and their music just
flows through the singers and the harmonies and the support from my
replacement who ended up just joining me (which is the best!) was
beyond magical. Strong and powerful and free. I both remember
everything and remember nothing except the feeling. It's amazing.</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0cm; orphans: 2; widows: 2;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0cm; orphans: 2; widows: 2;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">I was so happy. I told my
husband. This was it. I was finally pulled out of my black hole. No
more black holes. He fought for me and He was relentless and He made
sure He chased me down. I was loved. Secure. No matter what, I told
myself, I will always remember this moment.</span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0cm; orphans: 2; widows: 2;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0cm; orphans: 2; widows: 2;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">And I woke up the next
morning in so much pain. Still a nech-ache, still a headache (8 extra
strength tylenols throughout the day didn't touch it.. this is insane
for me, i usually take one in like an 8 hour stretch) still sick. And
I tried desperately to hold on to my feelings from the day before
because I knew that they were going to last. Just because my
situation wasn't much better than the day before, didn't mean I
couldn't be any better. And the next day.. the same. And Wednesday...
a bit better, but the kids were just... well.. they made a lot of bad
decisions. Ha. it was an extremely hard parenting day. And i worried.
I was scared the black hole was waiting for me. That i would be so
easily deceived and forget so quickly. </span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0cm; orphans: 2; widows: 2;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">But i made a decision on
Wednesday. I knew that there was a very big thing holding me back. </span></span>
</div>
<div style="font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0cm; orphans: 2; widows: 2;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">If you've been following
for a while you know that I'm constantly battling a food addiction;
emotional eating. You will know that I have breakthroughs and
setbacks. And the last month while everyone and myself have been
sick.. i haven't been able to work out. Almost at all. And its not
for lack of wanting to or even trying. Physically it was not
possible. And then my motivation to eat healthy disappeared too and i
ate emotionally basically every day. </span></span>
</div>
<div style="font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0cm; orphans: 2; widows: 2;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">And I knew that although
God had found me. And proven to me in more than one way just how
badly He wanted me to see His love for me, that it was time for me to
do something too. Not just for Him, although that was the most
important reason, but for myself. </span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0cm; orphans: 2; widows: 2;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0cm; orphans: 2; widows: 2;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">Although I still hurt too much to
workout, I could be healthier. I could honor His sacrifice and His
love by loving myself as well. Taking care of me. Just like a
Father/Mother wants for their child to do.. Father God/Mother God
wants us to do so too. </span></span>
</div>
<div style="font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0cm; orphans: 2; widows: 2;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0cm; orphans: 2; widows: 2;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">Since I couldn't show a
change immediately as it takes time and also I had just eaten so I
couldn't make any great decisions (other than not eating more while
full) I knew what I needed to do. I went through our house and threw
away the snacks. The junk. The things I wait to eat until everyone is
asleep and nobody can watch how much I'm actually consuming. Or see
that I'm eating yet again, while full. And its unhealthy. I threw it
into the garbage can. And I stayed up late making a meal plan.
Because i KNOW this about myself, that if I don't write it down, I
will eat everything and anything as opposed to what is written. So I
made the meal plan. I threw out the junk and as I was falling asleep
I realized hey... my head doesn't hurt anymore. </span></span>
</div>
<div style="font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0cm; orphans: 2; widows: 2;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0cm; orphans: 2; widows: 2;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">And here are the texts I
sent to my sister THIS MORNING. Thursday, April 5.: </span></span>
</div>
<div style="font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0cm; orphans: 2; widows: 2;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0cm; orphans: 2; widows: 2;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0cm; orphans: 2; widows: 2;">
<span style="color: #222222;">“<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">My
three week long headache and neckache and stiffness are comPLETELY
gone! I've been taking like 6-8 extra strength tylenols a day (which
for me is basically an overdose ha) and it was barely touching it and
today NOTHING</span></span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0cm; orphans: 2; widows: 2;">
<span style="color: #222222;"><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">I
have already played with the kids, cooked a brand new healthy meal,
made a meal plan and I'm still feeling GOOD</span></span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0cm; orphans: 2; widows: 2;">
<span style="color: #222222;"><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">Not
even exhausted!!!</span></span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0cm; orphans: 2; widows: 2;">
<span style="color: #222222;"><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">Still
coughing but not nearly as bad and EVERYBODY ELSE IS HEALTHY</span></span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0cm; orphans: 2; widows: 2;">
<span style="color: #222222;"><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">That
means I can finally start working out!!!!!</span></span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0cm; orphans: 2; widows: 2;">
<span style="color: #222222;"><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">I
feel so positive.</span></span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0cm; orphans: 2; widows: 2;">
<span style="color: #222222;"><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">I
felt amazing after Easter Sunday cuz of the service and then still
sick the next day and then yesterday was just that black hole all
over again and I cried like six times and felt overwhelmed and my
neck and head just hurt so bad and all I could think about was
drowning my sorrows in food and the kids were crying and clingy and
Alex was mean and destructive and I just felt like a mess and I
thought <u>no that's not what the point of my freedom was and what
the point of His story is..</u> Even if I feel like shit I can at
least still be out of this dark pit and feel hope and so VERY
BEGRUDGINGLY I turned on praise and worship and me and the kids
listened for like literally hours and slooooooowly I started crying
less and slowwwwwwly I started feeling, not good, but more ok ish and
then I decided to throw away all the junk away and into the garbage.
Enough was enough. You know you can go buy more but it's symbolic and
at least I won't eat my way through to them being Gone. And the day
ended great! Not bedtime but once the kids were finally sleeping by
midnight my headache and neckache TOTALLY disappeared and I had so
much energy and was up till 4am being productive and then watching
Netflix ha I was so scared this morning i would feel like crap cuz I
couldn't fall asleep till after 5 but i woke up from Alex at 9 am <b>and
I just.. GOT OUT OF BED! Like immediately! That NEVER happens.
ESPECIALLY not this last month. It was so cool!!!!! And still no
pain!!!!</b></span></span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0cm; orphans: 2; widows: 2;">
<span style="color: #222222;"><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">I
totally believe it's partly becuz of the decision I made to throw
away those snacks and then I made a meal plan so now I'm intentional.
SO COOL. I'm very happy! And believing it's gonna stay and I'm gonna
do my brain detox so I can be strong to make good habits” </span></span></span>
</div>
<div style="font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0cm; orphans: 2; widows: 2;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0cm; orphans: 2; widows: 2;">
<span style="color: #222222;"><span style="font-family: arial, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: x-small;"><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">**side
note.. this brain detox exercise is amazing and only takes like ten
minutes a day. You can re-wire your thinking and its very helpful if
you're a toxic thinker or have anxiety:
<a href="https://www.21daybraindetox.com/">https://www.21daybraindetox.com/</a>
it has saved me emotionally many times.**</span></span></span></span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">And
the whole day was amazing. There were timeouts for the toddler, there
was one clingy twin and one twin who had a hard time pooping. But I
felt great and I actually cooked a meal, and a healthy one, and I
kept my cool a whole lot better than normal (after the toddler dumped
all her cheerios on the coffee table and crunched them all with her
rubber boots on into a fine powder that went, well.. everywhere.. for
one example anyways). And I felt hope. </span></span>
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">And
I know it's here to stay. Because although the high of the Easter day
was real, it was also a peak moment. And now this was also something I
did as well. I chose something. I'm choosing this. To continue with
the good decisions. To be intentional. To read Romans. To believe He
is good. </span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">To pray for strength, wisdom and peace along <i>with</i> healing
instead of only healing. <u>I am confident that I am no longer lost. </u></span></span>
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><u><br /></u></span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">I
am confident that I will continue to have stress and hard times and
some dark days. BUT I am confident that I will still be found during
them and know that I am found and have the coping skills and the
strength to make it through. Oh what a wonderful thing to know you
are so deeply loved. I want to spend the rest of my life learning
more about it. And passing it on as well. <3 we are all so
important. So worthy. No matter what your character is, what your
life looks like. You are loved. I am loved. We are loved. </span></span>
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">Nothing
tops that :') </span></span>
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><3</span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">also,
holy crap if you read this far.. thank you. We are now friends for
life. :D haha </span></span>
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">but
seriously. I so appreciate it. You know me well now, and have helped
in my therapeutic way of handling things and getting things out.
Hopefully something in there will speak to you. That you are not
alone, or You are on the right track or even just the one line: You
are loved. <u>Never stop trying to believe that</u>. It is Truth. You
can do this. </span></span>
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">Since
I tend to ramble and maybe you didn't quite make it but scrolled to
the bottom (no judgements here ha): </span></span>
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">IN
SUMMARY – It's been almost a week since I wrote this and I am in a
good place. It's not a perfect place. I still have meltdowns, anger,
a migraine, another sick kid. I'm still not 'myself' yet.. but I've
changed my focus. Instead of expecting results immediately (whether
through prayer or through my decisions) I am working on being content
no matter the situation. My counselor put it really well and I will
paraphrase here: “There will always be pain in this world. It's a
fact. However.. you can decide you will either spend all your time
and energy and stress trying to change the outcome of an
uncontrollable pain or you can spend it on drawing strength from
whatever it is you do (prayer, God, meditation, self care etc.) and
learning to healthily get through the pain. Feel it and be able to
handle it and move forward. It's when you try to change the outcome
(of something over which you have no control) then you yourself add
the suffering.”</span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">So..
my prayers have changed. I finally/still believe God is good. I saw
Him come after me; prove He was listening. He does love me. I still
believe in miracles; have seen some and will continue to pray for
them. HOWEVER. I am now going to focus on asking Him for strength and
peace, patience and contentment. That I will love and enjoy
motherhood, that I will stop worrying about all the things. That
instead of healing my food addiction (altho i'm always open to that
lol) to make me more aware so I can change my habits easier.</span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">Awareness
and strength. Even though there is pain, I don't want to add the
suffering. And I've already seen a difference. I'm a bit more calm..
although I still feel some anxiety when i hear a cough or someone wake
up at night. . I can remember that it's ok that not everything is
alright. I have a Father who is with me. I'm never alone. And His
purpose is to Love me, and that means carry me through. <i>Not just to
survive, but to move forward, no matter what the circumstance.</i></span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">I've
also, as a practical measure, decided to start a Gratitude &
Revelation Journal. I will not try to summarize or write the whole
story down when I journal. I will simply write the good things, the
hard but necessary things, the lessons learned, the epiphanies and
kind moments I noticed every day. This will help me to go back during
the rough times and the confusing times. Remind me what I know to be
True and what I all have to be thankful for. For some reason it's
easy to forget, probably because it's so uplifting and we need it.
This will help. </span></span>
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">And
forward I will move :) </span></span>
</div>
<br />Stephanie Nicolehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03420543801568660140noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7781169229144641006.post-28702170051734917622018-04-15T22:09:00.003-05:002018-04-16T21:25:07.306-05:00The Black Hole: Part 1<br />
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="color: #222222;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: xx-small;"><u><b><span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">PART
ONE</span></span></b></u></span></span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm; orphans: 2; widows: 2;">
<br /></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0cm; orphans: 2; widows: 2;">
<span style="color: #222222;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">The
black hole.</span></span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0cm; orphans: 2; widows: 2;">
<span style="color: #222222;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">Endless.
Dark. Frightening and Exhausting. A never-ending, swirling heaviness.</span></span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm; orphans: 2; widows: 2;">
<br /></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0cm; orphans: 2; widows: 2;">
<span style="color: #222222;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">You
guys. Although I've obviously had so many beautiful and amazing times
this last year, I've also honestly just been stuck there. In this
black hole.</span></span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm; orphans: 2; widows: 2;">
<br /></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0cm; orphans: 2; widows: 2;">
<span style="color: #222222;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">I
can't really describe it. I'm sure you've seen my posts and that they
are a bit up and down. Finding the positive and then sinking back
down. Disappearing for a while then coming back. Maybe the best way
to explain it would be that my happiness has been heavily situation
based, as opposed to joy coming from within no matter what. I've had
tastes of that here and there but really.. I've just been in this pit
that I'm climbing, trying to get to the top but I'm so tired and
nothing is going right because I never sleep. Just when I think I can
see the top, someone gets sick or we have three weeks of two hour
nights or my prayers - that I felt were a necessity - were not
answered how I thought they should have been. Healing didn't come,
sleep didn't come, help didn't come. At least not as much as I
thought it should.</span></span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm; orphans: 2; widows: 2;">
<br /></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0cm; orphans: 2; widows: 2;">
<span style="color: #222222;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">I
started to wonder why God didn't care about my basic needs. My
sanity.</span></span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm; orphans: 2; widows: 2;">
<br /></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0cm; orphans: 2; widows: 2;">
<span style="color: #222222;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">I've
had so many up and down moments with the Father this last year. I
didn't totally notice for the first long while.. everything is so
blurry. Two babies and no sleep, honestly it just really does a
number on you.</span></span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm; orphans: 2; widows: 2;">
<br /></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0cm; orphans: 2; widows: 2;">
<span style="color: #222222;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">None
of these things are “serious”. None of them are life threatening.
None of them are really even bad. It was a just slow seeping
exhaustion that took over me.</span></span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm; orphans: 2; widows: 2;">
<br /></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0cm; orphans: 2; widows: 2;">
<span style="color: #222222;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">And
suddenly a few weeks ago I found myself in a place where I didn't
believe that when I prayed for my babies at night that they would be
calm, pain-free. I found myself in a place wondering why I bothered
to pray at all. Although I knew I couldn't deny the Father's
existence due to SO many incredible and some even almost unbelievable
experiences in my life, I just didn't know where I stood past that.
I've seen Him heal people I've prayed over. So why, why wouldn't my
babies just SLEEP. Why weren't they as important as those others? Why
is anyone?</span></span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm; orphans: 2; widows: 2;">
<br /></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0cm; orphans: 2; widows: 2;">
<span style="color: #222222;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">But
I know God isn't a God of favourites. I was reeling. This meant I
truly would most likely never have an answer to why certain prayers
go unanswered. Or whatever it's called when you don't see an
immediate result how you expect. I am an optimist at heart so to feel
so pessimistic and to realize that your everlasting hope has been
dying for a year and you just realize it now, it hits hard.</span></span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm; orphans: 2; widows: 2;">
<br /></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0cm; orphans: 2; widows: 2;">
<span style="color: #222222;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">And
so it hit. Boom. Just like that. I spent the day crying off and on,
being incredibly snappy, feeling completely dark on the inside of my
soul. I couldn't see my beautiful children right in front of me. I
only saw the hard. The disobedience. The lack of sleep. The messy
house. The unkempt me. My lack of response to my encouraging husband.
My failures as a mother. As a wife. As a homemaker. What on earth
made God decide that I was to be a mother, never mind to twins? I
spent the day questioning His wisdom. I spent the day wondering why
He never listens to my desperate pleas in the night. Why He doesn't
care. Why doesn't He love me? What do I need to do to make Him just
love me? Why was I so unworthy of His attention?</span></span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm; orphans: 2; widows: 2;">
<br /></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0cm; orphans: 2; widows: 2;">
<span style="color: #222222;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">And
I did nothing about it. I didn't listen to music. I didn't journal. I
didn't meditate. I didn't ask for help. I just felt. And it was
honestly so horrible. I will never forget this day. I DID go for a
walk with the family. Which eased some of it. But I still went to bed
with zero joy. Almost zero hope. And lots of dark.</span></span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm; orphans: 2; widows: 2;">
<br /></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0cm; orphans: 2; widows: 2;">
<span style="color: #222222;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">The
next morning, of course, was a Sunday. Church. Yeaaaaah not in the
mood. But I don't like to not do things just because I'm in a bad
mood, especially when they're things my family looks forward to.</span></span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm; orphans: 2; widows: 2;">
<br /></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0cm; orphans: 2; widows: 2;">
<span style="color: #222222;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">And
Lo and Behold; the message was ALL about the character of God. And
how Good He is. I spent the first half being really snarky and
sarcastic in my head. And also really despondent and questioning.
Responding to everything the pastor said in my mind with a “yes BUT
then WHY this..”. It got me nowhere. And then he said something.
Something about how we can't let situations take over. We can't let
something or anyone deceive us into believing that God is different.
He never changes. His goodness always is, no matter what kind of negative things this world bears down on us. Now, these are words of a man, inspired
by the bible and I believe the Holy Spirit. Take what you want/need
from them.. research yourself. But they moved me. They shook my core.
Here are the notes I took:</span></span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm; orphans: 2; widows: 2;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm; orphans: 2; widows: 2;">
<span style="color: black; font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="color: #222222;">“</span><span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">The
character of Jesus,His life we see in the new testament; None of it
shows the life or mindset of a God who creates and then destroys or
gives and takes away. Job said that. Not Jesus. That's just his
perspective. Don't rewrite who Jesus' character is .. He is the exact
representation of the Father. The trinity is one. One didn't come to
give and take away and one come to give life and life more abundantly
.. He is only One.</span></span></span></span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0cm; orphans: 2; widows: 2;">
<span style="color: black;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif; font-size: small;">When
you believe wrongly about the character of God, when you listen to
the whispers, even though He has never changed, then you lose that
intimacy with Him (just like if a spouse believes a lie of their
partner)</span></span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0cm; orphans: 2; widows: 2;">
<span style="color: black;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif; font-size: small;">Never
let your life define how amazing He is. Jesus is the measuring stick
of Gods love. What He did and didn't do is what is Truth.</span></span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0cm; orphans: 2; widows: 2;">
<span style="color: black;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif; font-size: small;">God
didn't make the world the way it is now, sin did.</span></span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0cm; orphans: 2; widows: 2;">
<span style="color: black;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif; font-size: small;">You
need to be strong in the Word not strong in opinion.</span></span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0cm; orphans: 2; widows: 2;">
<span style="color: black;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif; font-size: small;">You
need to create a foundation on the Word and from your time you've
dedicated to and with Him, not one you've pieced together from
opinions and bits of others.”</span></span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm; orphans: 2; widows: 2;">
<br /></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0cm; orphans: 2; widows: 2;">
<span style="color: black;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">It
dawned on me that that is exactly what I had done. I had spent this
entire last year being extremely unaware of most things spiritual and
putting in next to nothing with my relationship with Jesus. It had
been completely one-sided. Him providing peace when I would let Him,
providing help when I reached out and asked others for it.. and when
I couldn't have it or when the kids didn't sleep, well.. I'm still
here aren't I? Clearly I've made it through.</span></span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm; orphans: 2; widows: 2;">
<br /></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0cm; orphans: 2; widows: 2;">
<span style="color: black;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">And
there've been moments, conveniently always after a day where I
actually spent time listening to praise and worship or praying
something other than a request or f-word (altho thankfully He listens
and cares about those prayers too) and actually being part of the
relationship, where I've had happiness or calm despite the escalating
situation.</span></span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0cm; orphans: 2; widows: 2;">
<span style="color: black;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">I
also spent that year looking at others. Comparing how their lives
looked like they were doing as opposed to mine. Which is never smart
and is completely inaccurate. Literally nobody I know has the same
life. Cuz that's the point. So it does me no good to determine my
failures because of other people's “successes”.</span></span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0cm; orphans: 2; widows: 2;">
<span style="color: black;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">What
is success anyways? What is love? I have most definitely been seeing
it as immediately answered prayers that mean a perfect life.</span></span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0cm; orphans: 2; widows: 2;">
<span style="color: black;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">THIS
IS UNATTAINABLE. He has never said there would not be hard times.
“God didn't make the world the way it is, sin did.” There's going
to be shit thrown at you all the time. In the form of anything and
everything! And honestly.. had I even once just asked Him for
strength to get through something?? No, I don't think so. All I did
was beg Him to change everything so that it would all just go
perfectly so I could be happy. And cry and yell and swear when He
didn't make my life perfect or answer with a yes within 30 seconds.
And then I would feel guilty that I even wished for anything better
when I have it so good if I actually stop to think about it. SO so
good. So what was wrong with me? Why was I like this? So ungrateful.
So so so tired.</span></span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm; orphans: 2; widows: 2;">
<br /></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0cm; orphans: 2; widows: 2;">
<span style="color: black;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">And
I decided I did still believe He was good. I still don't understand
basically anything about a lot of the unanswered (or so it seems)
prayers. But I have fresh eyes. When I look back now I see the extra
hour of sleep here or there. I see the answered prayers that didn't
happen within 30 seconds but did within an hour. I see the viral
infections that only lasted 1.5 weeks as opposed to the 'regular' 3
according to the doctor. I see that I have made it till today. And my
kids know they are loved. They've seen me cry and heard me yell and
heard me apologize. But they are stable and confident in knowing they
are loved.</span></span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm; orphans: 2; widows: 2;">
<br /></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0cm; orphans: 2; widows: 2;">
<span style="color: black;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">Nothing
lasts forever. My mantra after having my first child when I had some
mild postpartum depression was <i>'It can't last forever'</i>.
Everything I've ever been upset about has either ended or I've at
least been given breaks in between to refuel for the next fight.</span></span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0cm; orphans: 2; widows: 2;">
<span style="color: black;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">Also,
My husband is phenomenal. He has helped as much as he can, while
still working full-time, getting our business off the ground, and
loving/handling this woman who most likely he hasn't recognized for
half this time (or more). . All while being a wonderful dad who the
kids can't get enough of.</span></span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0cm; orphans: 2; widows: 2;">
<span style="color: black;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">I
look and I see the village that has helped and supported us. Both
physically by doing things or bringing me coffees when they know I
didn't sleep or mentally and spiritually by checking in and by
praying and following God's prompting to send me encouraging
notes/texts. He has been there through His people. Day in and day
out.</span></span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm; orphans: 2; widows: 2;">
<br /></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0cm; orphans: 2; widows: 2;">
<span style="color: black;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">I
was far too focused on the hurts and the tiredness and the
overwhelming forever-feeling-ness of it all that I couldn't see those
things.</span></span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm; orphans: 2; widows: 2;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm; orphans: 2; widows: 2;">
<span style="color: black;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">But
it doesn't end here. It's not just a happy fairy-tale after that. I
left the service deciding that I still believed He was good. But I'm
like Gideon and I always need proof. I still felt isolated. Like He
was far away and maybe didn't love me as much as I had always been
taught. And I was too tired to go seek Him. That's what they tell you
right; seek and you shall find. Which IS true. Don't get me wrong.
BUT. I was just still too tired. And the day before had really broken
and exhausted me. And so I prayed a song over myself; <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PKooXwwk6bs&list=RDPKooXwwk6bs" target="_blank">RecklessLove</a>. (worth the listen, till the end) </span></span></span></span></span><br />
<span style="color: black;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">“Oh
the overwhelming, never-ending, reckless love of God. Oh it chases me
down, fights till I'm found, leaves the 99. I couldn't earn it, I
don't deserve it, still You give yourself away. Oh the overwhelming,
never-ending, reckless love of God”.</span></span></span></span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm; orphans: 2; widows: 2;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm; orphans: 2; widows: 2;">
<span style="color: black;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">God.
I need you to do that. Chase me down. Fight for me. Please leave the
99 and come find me.</span></i><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;"> and
we left church and I cried some more. A piece of my soul was settled.
I had the future hope because I knew that deep down I knew what I
believed. But half of me still felt so very lost, feeling alone and
unloved. As if He hadn't already proved enough by dying, defeating
evil and rising again. . Or through many other instances in my life.
No, I needed more. </span></span></span></span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm; orphans: 2; widows: 2;">
<br /></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0cm; orphans: 2; widows: 2;">
<span style="color: black;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">Not
even two hours later I received a text from a friend. She says she
normally never does things like this.. but she felt compelled to send
me a prayer. She SPECIFICALLY mentioned that even if I read it later,
it was for right now. And while I won't type out the whole thing as
it's personal, one line just shot to my inner being: “Help her to
know you won't ever forget her” COULD THAT BE ANY MORE EXACT?! My
biggest fear. Rejection. That i'm unworthy. Unloveable. Easily
forgotten. Not important.</span></span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm; orphans: 2; widows: 2;">
<br /></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0cm; orphans: 2; widows: 2;">
<span style="color: black;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">NOT
TRUE. He has left the 99. He is chasing me down. I cried some more.
SHEESH WHY ALL THE CRYING ALL THE TIMES.</span></span></span></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0cm; orphans: 2; widows: 2;">
<span style="color: black;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">Another
weight lifted off of me. I could breathe easier. <b>But you
guys</b>. The fight for a soul, for a spirit, for Love and for a life
is not easily won. (and this is a tame story compared to so many I
have heard in the fight for a soul. But it doesn't feel that way, not
when it's you. And when you're aware of it.) I still was not entirely
sure. I still felt that pieces of me were in that pit. The black hole
was still swirling and although shafts of light were piercing it and
breaking it up, I could feel my grip was shaky on the edge of that
pit. I was at the top but I couldn't pull myself out. I knew what was
going to do it. I needed to sing that song. I knew He was going to
fight till I was found. And somehow I knew when it was going to
happen.</span></span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm; orphans: 2; widows: 2;">
<br /></div>
<div style="font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0cm; orphans: 2; widows: 2;">
<span style="color: black;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">Easter
Sunday.</span></span></span><br />
<span style="color: black;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span></span></span>
<span style="color: black;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">-</span></span></span><br />
<span style="color: black;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">-</span></span></span><br />
<span style="color: black;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span></span></span>
<span style="color: black;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">Stay tuned for Part 2 :)</span></span></span></div>
<br />Stephanie Nicolehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03420543801568660140noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7781169229144641006.post-4342931170239647982018-02-15T03:00:00.001-06:002018-02-15T03:00:30.937-06:00Welcome Back, Me <div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
Hey guys! So.. it's been awhile.
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
Short Story: 8 days of sickness for
myself, 2 sick kids, broken dishwasher and oven, hosting, IF
Gathering conference, counseling and regular home life.
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
Long Story: I've been a little lost.
I've been in survival mode for a year now. There have obviously been
both good and hard times. Between two babies at once, hormone
changes, health problems and stress.. I haven't been myself and I
haven't always recognized this person who I have become. When all the
above mentioned in the Short Story happened in two weeks I just got
overwhelmed. Exhausted and overwhelmed.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
To top it off; due to the sickness, I
wasn't working out anymore and wasn't eating a whole lot at all. My
anxiety really took off and I started to freak out about every day
life things. Even though I KNOW that my worth doesn't come from my
productivity or my level of 'success', I couldn't handle that I was
so behind on dishes and meals weren't being made etc. I was
envisioning the worst every time one of my kids sniffled or tripped
or woke up crying in the night. And I do mean the worst. This is not
how I want to live. It's impossible to keep going like this.
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
In the midst of it all (nothing even
earth shattering has happened this whole time.. it really is a battle
in the mind for me) I just really felt, as I have so many times this
last year, that God wasn't holding up His end of this relationship.
Never mind the fact that I spend not a whole lot of time with Him and
when I do it's mostly just Why and a few swear words peppered in with
loud requests of sleep for all. I felt like He didn't listen, He
didn't care. He just left me on my own to see how I would do. And I
felt inadequate. In motherhood, as a wife, a homemaker and a friend.
All the while feeling guilty because I'm well aware that nothing is
even seriously wrong, with anybody or anything. Why can't I cope like
a healthy human being?</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
My husband finally said to me
(paraphrasing here).. “You just can't do this. You have to trust.
You're not supposed to do it all and handle it all. Just trust.”</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
And in my desperate state I somehow decided to
do just that. I sat down on the rug in the living room after everyone
was asleep and I cried and I cried. And I told the Father exactly how
I felt. That I was alone, exhausted, overwhelmed, unable to keep up.
That I felt like He didn't love me anymore and that I was a failure.
Like I had no support even though I know that's not true. That I
could only see and feel things that weren't the Truth. (like the no
support thing, and that I suck if I don't do enough things in one day
and that everyone I love is all going to die at the same time...
don't worry I'm in counseling and I'm learning healthier ways to
manage my thoughts ha).
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<b>-inserting a note here that although
so far this is not happy, it gets better ha-</b></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<b><br /></b></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
I told him how
flawed I felt and how behind I was .. in both my dish-washing and my
personal growth. And after I got that all off my chest and cried out
about how broken my heart was in other things as well .. all He said
was this:
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
“I love ALL of
you”</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
And that was
enough. A peace washed over me. The state of my house was the same.
The state of my personal growth hadn't moved. But my mind was
changed.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
I sat down and
wrote. Expressed myself; a strange poem that ended up being two pages
of basically just descriptive words, a list, a reason, a motive, some
things beautiful and others painful. And it felt so good. I love that
He has created us as Beings of expression. He knew we would need that
in this life. For ourselves and for our relationships.
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
I was certain now.
I was not alone. So I asked Him for some help, physically here on
earth. . because I couldn't bring myself to ask for it. And did He
ever bring me help. </div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
He sent someone to help me with the kitchen, He
sent someone to fix the oven, He sent someone with an Oreo Frappe. He
sent a babysitter/angel, He sent someone to help with the kids and
the groceries at the same time. He sent someone via Facebook message
who told me she had noticed my absence and was cheering for me even
in my silence, He sent my husband who prayed the perfect prayer for
me and wished for me the things I couldn't even voice on my own and
loved me no matter what. He sent me a handwritten card of
encouragement through the mail from a Mama friend who gets it. He
sent us health, He even sent me a full night of sleep.
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
There were more
things but this was all in just a couple of days. I wanted to crumple
under the pressure of His love. In a good way. I asked for a sign,
for some visible help and I couldn't have seen more answers than I
did. To top it all off, I was able to go (kid-free, thank you
husband) to the IF Gathering; a gathering of woman all around the
globe listening to christian women speakers and the topic (lo and
behold) was about persevering when you're stuck in the middle. The
encouragement and the friendship that was there was a bright spot
that will not be dimmed for me.
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
I am believing again. Believing I will be able to move forward instead of backward. Both emotionally
and physically. That I will seek out the joy and the things to be
thankful for instead of demanding them. That I will never forget
this; because although there are sure to be just as difficult if not
harder times ahead, I will know that I am not alone. I have strength
in Him and I have hope in Him. I can enjoy life no matter what the
situation or the feeling that surrounds me.
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
As I ended my
poem, I will end this post:
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="color: black;"><span style="font-family: Calibri, Helvetica, sans-serif, EmojiFont, Apple Color Emoji, Segoe UI Emoji, NotoColorEmoji, Segoe UI Symbol, Android Emoji, EmojiSymbols;">I
have hope. Because I am never alone.</span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="color: black;"><span style="font-family: Calibri, Helvetica, sans-serif, EmojiFont, Apple Color Emoji, Segoe UI Emoji, NotoColorEmoji, Segoe UI Symbol, Android Emoji, EmojiSymbols;">He
IS hope.</span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="color: black;"><span style="font-family: Calibri, Helvetica, sans-serif, EmojiFont, Apple Color Emoji, Segoe UI Emoji, NotoColorEmoji, Segoe UI Symbol, Android Emoji, EmojiSymbols;">I
will find myself. I know I'm here.</span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="color: black;"><span style="font-family: Calibri, Helvetica, sans-serif, EmojiFont, Apple Color Emoji, Segoe UI Emoji, NotoColorEmoji, Segoe UI Symbol, Android Emoji, EmojiSymbols;">I
am scared.</span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="color: black;"><span style="font-family: Calibri, Helvetica, sans-serif, EmojiFont, Apple Color Emoji, Segoe UI Emoji, NotoColorEmoji, Segoe UI Symbol, Android Emoji, EmojiSymbols;">I
am anxious.</span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="color: black;"><span style="font-family: Calibri, Helvetica, sans-serif, EmojiFont, Apple Color Emoji, Segoe UI Emoji, NotoColorEmoji, Segoe UI Symbol, Android Emoji, EmojiSymbols;">I
don't want to.</span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="color: black;"><span style="font-family: Calibri, Helvetica, sans-serif, EmojiFont, Apple Color Emoji, Segoe UI Emoji, NotoColorEmoji, Segoe UI Symbol, Android Emoji, EmojiSymbols;">I
will move forward.</span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="color: black;"><span style="font-family: Calibri, Helvetica, sans-serif, EmojiFont, Apple Color Emoji, Segoe UI Emoji, NotoColorEmoji, Segoe UI Symbol, Android Emoji, EmojiSymbols;">I
will really REALLY live.</span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="color: black;"><span style="font-family: Calibri, Helvetica, sans-serif, EmojiFont, Apple Color Emoji, Segoe UI Emoji, NotoColorEmoji, Segoe UI Symbol, Android Emoji, EmojiSymbols;">I
will be well.</span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="color: black;"><span style="font-family: Calibri, Helvetica, sans-serif, EmojiFont, Apple Color Emoji, Segoe UI Emoji, NotoColorEmoji, Segoe UI Symbol, Android Emoji, EmojiSymbols;">I
will fight.</span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="color: black;"><span style="font-family: Calibri, Helvetica, sans-serif, EmojiFont, Apple Color Emoji, Segoe UI Emoji, NotoColorEmoji, Segoe UI Symbol, Android Emoji, EmojiSymbols;">I
will win.</span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="color: black;"><span style="font-family: Calibri, Helvetica, sans-serif, EmojiFont, Apple Color Emoji, Segoe UI Emoji, NotoColorEmoji, Segoe UI Symbol, Android Emoji, EmojiSymbols;">I
will fight again.</span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="color: black;"><span style="font-family: Calibri, Helvetica, sans-serif, EmojiFont, Apple Color Emoji, Segoe UI Emoji, NotoColorEmoji, Segoe UI Symbol, Android Emoji, EmojiSymbols;">Darkness
against Light. Good against Evil.</span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="color: black;"><span style="font-family: Calibri, Helvetica, sans-serif, EmojiFont, Apple Color Emoji, Segoe UI Emoji, NotoColorEmoji, Segoe UI Symbol, Android Emoji, EmojiSymbols;">I
am a warrior.</span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="color: black;"><span style="font-family: Calibri, Helvetica, sans-serif, EmojiFont, Apple Color Emoji, Segoe UI Emoji, NotoColorEmoji, Segoe UI Symbol, Android Emoji, EmojiSymbols;">And
I am ready.</span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<br />
</div>
<br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="color: black;"><span style="font-family: Calibri, Helvetica, sans-serif, EmojiFont, Apple Color Emoji, Segoe UI Emoji, NotoColorEmoji, Segoe UI Symbol, Android Emoji, EmojiSymbols;"><3</span></span></div>
Stephanie Nicolehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03420543801568660140noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7781169229144641006.post-47139238010882434062017-12-21T03:15:00.002-06:002017-12-21T03:15:39.881-06:00The Last Time<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
Alright, first things first. I don't
feel like writing this one! Haha not because it's too vulnerable
(well maybe in some ways <i>(ok this is me coming back after writing
it.. its a lot more vulnerable than i thought ha)</i>) but mostly
because it just feels like I'm writing the same thing over and over
again. I'm writing it hoping that it's my very <u>last one</u> like
this.
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
A health update. I'm going to do it in
“point form” because it's 2:26am and even though I'm not tired at
all, I know that I need to get to bed cuz someone's waking up crying
for a bottle in about 1or 4 hours ha
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<br />
</div>
<ol>
<li><div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
Hypothyroidism – still there.
Went off my meds after the twins were born, gained back all the
weight I had lost (and then some, thanks to using food as my stress
reliever), lost most of my energy, my eyelashes and hair started
falling out, mood wings, bursts of anger and some other random
things. On the POSITIVE – even though, it took a solid 4.5 months
to come out of that, I am now currently in a pretty good place with
the medication (I went back on, and after three months was
prescribed an even higher dose) and my numbers are where they are
should be. I have seen a lot of my energy come back and the anger is
less and the hair and most of the eyelashes are coming back/stopped
falling out. Still working on the weight, because apparently my
metabolism is now shot and also... STILL EATING WHEN STRESSED.
</div>
</li>
<li><div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
Intracranial Hypertension – I am
still not 'out of the woods' yet. My neurologist (whom I saw a week
ago) told me that it is looking pretty good right now but since I
still have one symptom and because I'm right back to the same weight
as the beginning he is still worried. He wants me to come back in
2.5 months and to lose 15 pounds by then. Thankfully my only symptom
is that I hear the pressure in my ears (wooshing when I lay down)
and not every day. Nothing serious yet and I plan to not get past
that. NEED NEW STRESS HANDLING TECHNIQUES
</div>
</li>
<li><div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
After-Baby Health and New
Diagnosis – in most ways I am healed from giving birth. I am
sleeping a lot more, I can handle a lot more, the slight post-pardum
is mostly gone. I'm never really sure whether I'm hormonal, it's
thyroid or babies causing my moods LOL still, they are better..
despite my last post haha I currently am also dealing with a low
cervix. Mostly this is pain-free except for a new kind of cramp once
a month and just in general I don't like to think about it cuz ack.
Basically my pelvic floor muscles need help. I was told this is
common for women who've given birth multiple times (or twins too)
that have a retroverted uterus (which I learned last week is what I
have). So back to pelvic floor therapy I will go.. and also lose
weight. SHEESH WHO KNEW at this point I am sensing a theme.</div>
</li>
<li><div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
Weight-Loss. Now, I am not here to
say that every person who is bigger than a size *insert any number
here*, needs to lose weight. No way. Nuh-uh. Health looks extremely
different on every single person. For my specific body (inside), how
I currently feel, and how heavy I am.. it is imperative that I lose
weight. Since I have the crappy misfortune of hypothyroidism (still
believing somehow I'm going to kick that), and now a wrecked
metabolism, as well as the self inflicted destruction of a food
addiction (which I'm also kicking. Slowly.. but surely? Yes. Surely.
Sometimes. But will be forever. Ugh. Yay. Ugh. ) losing weight is
NOT easy at this point. In the past it always has been for me, my
body is like yes! Let's get back to a healthy weight! Bam! This time
it's like.. nah. And then i'm discouraged so I eat nachos. Ugh.
Literally there's no positive to this that I can currently see haha
But read on! I am doing good things to fix this!</div>
</li>
</ol>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
Solutions: Continue with the thyroid
medication, finally connecting with a counselor for venting/help with
better coping techniques/to break this problem, and I just signed up
for a years worth of Beachbody On Demand.
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
Now... normally I'm not into stuff like this.
(selling fitness things or products that seem unrealistic or can be propositioned in a way that shames you into buying them) I give loads of props to people who do the selling because that's hard and it's a business and I just couldn't do it. And not because I don't believe
it works for people, but because I've had so many not awesome experiences with people who inbox me on
insta (who i dont know) and are like 'Hey, you're a mom.. I have this
workout program you should try.' or 'Hey you're a mom, congrats!
Wanna get rid of your stretch marks? I have the perfect thing to get
rid of those!' and I'm over here like <i>There's nothing wrong with
them.. they're just like a freckle to me. I kinda like them even</i>...
so needless to say I get annoyed. ANYWAYS.. Someone messaged me but
she'd been reading my blog and seemed to genuinely care. Parts of
her story were the same as mine and she said the best part, and the part that
makes it work, is that you become part of an online group of women
doing the same thing and they encourage, and vent and check in and
share recipes. And she, as your coach, checks in every day. This seemed personal and she seemed lovely.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
Also, you have
to do it. You have to workout. I also get shakeology for a month but
honestly, after that you have to pay quite a bit to keep that part up
so I'll just stick with my “netflix of fitness” and the
accountability group hah! Just watch, I'm going to love it..
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
After saying 'No' twice and doing some
serious soul searching, I signed up. The group starts right away and
I think I get the stuff in a few weeks..</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
You guys. I am so afraid. I've tried to
do things with people before and be accountable but it just has never
worked out. This is not the fault of anyone but my own. And this was
something that has a specific amount of time, a coach checking in, I
paid money, and get a whole support group.. and will help others
(hopefully) at the same time. Also, now I'm going to document it here
and on insta so that's a lot of eyes on me ha I have never committed
to something like this before because that means I really do have to
give up my comfort, my food. I really have to cut the bad/delicious stuff out, have to
hate the addiction, have to eat in a healthy manner, have a healthy
relationship with food. I have to workout! In the morning is the only
time its going to work, before the kids are up.. THIS MEANS WAKING UP
FLIPPING EARLY.. which means going to bed early, which means no alone
time at night, which is my favourite :'( I'm so afraid to fail, to
disappoint myself and others, to share here that I'm starting this
thing and then to have to say I'm sorry I haven't done it perfectly
or I totally messed up.
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
BUT. (what a good sentence, I can
imagine how hard some of you are cringing hahahaha) BUT. I am also SO
excited! I'm at a point in life where I simultaneously am doing my
worst with this problem, but to a point where I'm SO ready to do
whatever it takes to fix it. To be healthy; mentally and physically.
To not pass this on to my kids, to be able to model to them what it
looks like to love yourself completely. To be strong! To go to my
neurologist appointment and hear him say;<i> “</i>I
never want to see you again!”, to never hear that sound in my ears
or have that fear for my eyesight again. I am so ready to actually
fit into some of my favorite clothes (not unrealistic high school
body goals, just pre-twins goals ha) and to feel comfortable. And to buy new clothes! To get
on the floor easier to play, to be super active in the summer, to
not have to go to pelvic floor therapy hopefully ever again. lol
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
Most
of all, I'm so excited that by this time next year, even though I'm so
scared to type because there's always that doubt, I'll be able to
say.. <i>Wow, look what I accomplished this last year</i>.
No more wishing I was healthier or stronger or more capable. No more
desperately needing some control, but just free from it all. I will
be strong, healthy and free from the hold of stress and the constant
need to snack and overeat. I will have so much more space in my mind
and I will be able to give so much more of myself to my family, to
those I love, and even to strangers that may need help, who maybe I
haven't been seeing lately because of my focus.I cannot wait to have less Doctor/Neurologist/Physiotherapy appointments :D I cannot wait to
feel, instead of shame or guilt or hopelessness, to feel pride and
excitement and hope in this area. </div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
2018
is going to be an extremely difficult year for me in this regard,
kicking an addiction and forming new habits always will be. I will be
working harder than ever both physically with this and mentally
through counseling and so it's also going to be an extremely
<b>beautiful</b> year. I'm going to grow and I want to share that journey
with you. Thank you for always reading and supporting and praying and
sending good thoughts. I appreciate it more than you know <3
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
Here's
to the New Year! (also to now, because I'm already signed up and the
group starts haha)</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<br />
</div>
<br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
Love
you all.</div>
Stephanie Nicolehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03420543801568660140noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7781169229144641006.post-2237538346596478962017-12-14T00:23:00.000-06:002017-12-14T00:23:16.286-06:00THIS DAY<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjBMaf6BruJ8KJualyItka73yGOzo66qcLkbId5X4Mrr6unp1aX0NpaS7A1xFd12MRd46HSIctQafe1NjcSXPD_0K8RHjHo6gMSpIwcUbuYq5SVxQc0stb8CbNsvH3TuvD_c4tIb7y7Ray3/s1600/you+can%2527t.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="715" data-original-width="715" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjBMaf6BruJ8KJualyItka73yGOzo66qcLkbId5X4Mrr6unp1aX0NpaS7A1xFd12MRd46HSIctQafe1NjcSXPD_0K8RHjHo6gMSpIwcUbuYq5SVxQc0stb8CbNsvH3TuvD_c4tIb7y7Ray3/s320/you+can%2527t.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<br />
<div align="LEFT" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="color: #1d2129;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">TODAY!
laugh, cry, laugh, cry, go silently into the bedroom and scream into
a pillow, wipe runny noses approximately 35+ times, five - FIVE -
poopy diapers, all three in bad moods, spilled alfredo all over the
fridge, sweet and sour sauce on the floor, formula powder in the
element, (thats like $34,861,554 there), missed the garbage can with
the old food and had to clean that up, stepped in a puddle with my
socks, (like movie type things to go wrong alllll day).</span></span></div>
<div align="LEFT" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="color: #1d2129;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">The
spills were actually all done by me, the adult, and i dropped two
dirty, messy lids because the floor was clearly missing being spilled
on, banged my kneecap into the corner of the wall, split my toenail
in half (again) on my own pantleg, (HOW IS THIS POSSIBLE) and forgot to shower.. AGAIN. And
i'm way too tired to now. ew. This was the first half of the day. Ha!</span></span></div>
<div align="LEFT" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<br />
</div>
<div align="LEFT" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="color: #1d2129;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">There
was so much sass from the toddler it was on another level, and the
twins mobility has got them in each others' faces (and accidental
throat, stomach and head bops or hits) ALL day and nothing and nobody
is safe. The toddler finally realized she can pick up the babies so I
literally cannot take my eyes off of them at all, all day, because
you know she doesn't always listen to the 'no picking up your
siblings' rule. Twin B is also trying to cut four teeth at once... so
imagine that. :S </span></span>
</div>
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<br />
</div>
<div align="LEFT" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="color: #1d2129;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">Honestly,
and i say this for those of you who've known me from before having
kids and this may shock you, i definitely said the F word today. Not
in front of my kids, but definitely out loud. And not just once. I
actually included it in my prayer to the Father. MULTIPLE TIMES. And
this is most definitely not the first time. It was like Nighttime
Stephanie from before, after just having the babies and never sleeping came back
(did I ever talk about that version of me on here? I can't remember.
That was like 8 month ago.) and during the day! Go ahead and judge if
you need to, but I am so very thankful that He lets me be that real with Him.
Also, He knows my heart. Lol but for real. I am learning about His
level of Love for me (in EVERY situation.. some much less and some much
worse than this) and the tiny moments when I can glimpse it, blows me
away. He truly is the God of 'No Matter What, I Love You'.</span></span></div>
<div align="LEFT" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<br />
</div>
<div align="LEFT" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="color: #1d2129;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">I
am not the same person that I was before having these babies. And
some of that is fine, some is actually quite good and was needed, and
a good swear word here and there is better than some other
alternatives, but I have never been an angry person until now. Like,
never. So this is new, I don't know how to handle this healthily –
i'm working on it, don't worry, both on my own, and with working on
getting my thyroid and hopefully hormones under control and referring
myself to a counselor, yay I actually can't wait to start that! - so
to say today was rough was an understatement. Thankfully nothing is
serious or wrong with the kiddos.. and there actually are days that really are bad, but just mentally I didn't handle
today. Basically at all. And you know it just makes you feel shitty!
In so many areas! So I'm writing this in order to stop stuffing my
face with chocolate chips because that is not helping. So thank you,
you are helping me make at least one good decision today. Also,
re-living it is reminding me that it wasn't all bad, even tho it
kinda felt it was..</span></span></div>
<div align="LEFT" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<br />
</div>
<div align="LEFT" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="color: #1d2129;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">In
the midst of all that, me just not handling it AT all, my three year
old (after hitting me and then saying sorry ON HER OWN YAY - that
happened at least one of the times today so progress hopefully LOL
*insert hysterical laughing crying here*), my three year old, touches
my face while i cry and says "its ok its ok, you're ok" and
we hugged and then we asked Jesus to help us not be grumpy together.
And we ended up having a lovely hour in the evening where we played
and cleaned up and played some more together, happily! Hallelujah!
(thank you husband for taking care of the twins and their shnot)</span></span></div>
<div align="LEFT" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="color: #1d2129;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">Later
on before bed, when I asked her what she was thankful for (we try to
do this every night so that on days like today it ends happily and
with many snuggles ha) today she said "Jesus made us happy!"
and when I asked her who she wanted to pray for today, she said
"You!". And that cancels everything else out. Even if I'm
still wrestling with the bad mood later as I think about the day, I
remember those moments (as well as moments when the twins giggle at the same time, or sing at the same time) and suddenly I know that it's going to be ok.</span></span></div>
<div align="LEFT" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<br />
</div>
<div align="LEFT" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="color: #1d2129;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">I'm
far from a perfect mom, wife, friend etc., but I'm trying and I thank
the Lord our kids (and my husband) somehow see and feel that. She will grow up knowing
she is loved and based on her empathy level - being kind to others.
And that matters the most. </span></span>
</div>
<div align="LEFT" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<br />
</div>
<div align="LEFT" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="color: #1d2129;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">Oh
sidestory: After a timeout I always tell her that no matter what she
does, even though i want her to listen, if she doesn't.. i still love
her. nothing can change that. I don't know how much of that she
understands yet but the other day my husband gave me a hug and she
comes running up and hugs both of us and says, very seriously, "no
matter what, i love you mommy and daddy" :') if she doesn't
already, she will understand it one day and I know she will feel it. </span></span>
</div>
<div align="LEFT" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<br />
</div>
<br />
<div align="LEFT" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="color: #1d2129;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">May
tomorrow be completely different :) Except for the love parts. haha</span></span></div>
Stephanie Nicolehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03420543801568660140noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7781169229144641006.post-13824392701869523662017-12-05T00:20:00.001-06:002017-12-05T00:20:16.264-06:00Sister LoveMy sister and I recently celebrated her birthday... and her birthday was in March. #twinlife<br />
<br />
But it doesn't matter how long it took me to make this day work, because it was AMAZING. One of my favourite things is to plan our sister date for her birthday.. It's become our thing for me to take her somewhere she hasn't been so we can just shoot together. Be creative and relax and have fun together, just us.<br />
<br />
I realize that a lot of my photography has Carrie as my subject and honestly, I'm not even going to apologize for that. Because I know that none of you mind and I can't believe how blessed I am to have the world's most beautiful, photogenic model ready whenever I want to go exploring and let me take pictures .. all while she gives me advice and teaches me about my camera! It's really just a birthday present to myself baha sorry care, love youuuu<br />
<br />
My sister, if you know her you already know most of this, is the one of the kindest human beings on the planet. She is gorgeous, because look at her, but also even more so because her character and her heart are made of pure gold. She is always thinking of others, questioning things to make herself stronger, teaching me as if she were the oldest, being the best auntie ever to my kids, constantly bettering herself, exploring God, making people laugh and being my best friend. my kindred spirit. my shrub.<br />
<br />
Here are some pictures of her beautiful self (and the new locations we were able to shoot at.. thank you to <a href="http://www.mrskrahndashian.com/" target="_blank">Mrs Krahndashian</a>!) as well as some other rolls of film after that.. i'm finding that the more we go out and shoot, the happier I am with more of the pictures on the roll! I used to like a handful of the pictures I took but I'm both learning to love film more, and getting a bit better and closer to what I want to be like with taking the pictures! It's addicting :D<br />
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the next few are of my toddler, playing in the leaves. loving it and then hating it ha!</div>
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Twin A & Twin B lookin messy & cute as usual</div>
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and my backyard; which I'm obsessed with in Fall <3</div>
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no, we did not swim when it was like this lol</div>
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<br />Stephanie Nicolehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03420543801568660140noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7781169229144641006.post-70111251775827960852017-10-21T10:32:00.000-05:002017-10-21T10:32:35.887-05:00Happy HeartI got some film baaaack :) some of it didn't work, as per usual. But some of it turned out exactly as I had imagined <3 People's faces and landscapes/nature are turning into some of my favourite things to photograph for the sake of capturing an image I have in my head, but I have lots of candids in here for the memories side of things. All of it makes my heart happy <3<br />
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First of all. Look at his face. ACK *heart eyes* I get to be married to this guy!<br />
Second of all.. the liiiiight and the shadows, yay! he patiently walked around and stood in many spots until I was happy haha<br />
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these next few are from a family member's home. THE WOODS <3</div>
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My parents backyard is THEE place to be</div>
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Shadows & Light</div>
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My toddler found a bag of grass seed .. so our sandbox turned into a grassbox ha</div>
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<span id="goog_933764584"></span><span id="goog_933764585"></span>The kiddos and summertime <3</div>
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We had a big celebration for my Aunt's 55th, it was a special year as she received a successful bone marrow transplant :') <3</div>
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my daughter and her great-grandma. i could not love this more</div>
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this year, my parents added a 3 season deck to their magical backyard.. it was like a giant playpen ;) my dad did everything himself, (well, my mom is the decorator!) he never ceases to amaze me! even the brickwork!</div>
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just some randoms</div>
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and finally a few from last Christmas .. it was a surprise roll of film I forgot I had haha she's so little :')</div>
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<br />Stephanie Nicolehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03420543801568660140noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7781169229144641006.post-57991074461745728942017-07-22T11:12:00.000-05:002017-07-22T11:12:49.512-05:00The NumberThe number. Why oh why does it always matter? I ask myself this every day that I climb on the scale. And while one answer is purely because for medical reasons I have to watch the number, the other answer is one that I don't like.<br />
<br />
Because, when I let it, watching that number becomes an important part of my life. I'm not good at controlling that number, or making it go down. I'm not good at letting that number go, or not comparing it to my husband's number.. because girls are supposed to be smaller right? and lighter? and feel tiny next to their partner, isn't that what you read and see?<br />
<br />
I don't like the other answer because it means that I've gone a bit backwards.. from feeling pretty good about myself no matter what, to wondering what people are thinking of me and my size when I meet them uptown. What a waste of energy. It's embarrassing that that's what I spend my precious time thinking about.<br />
<br />
<i>Ooo she's really let herself go... does she realize how big she's gotten.. yikes she's gotten fat.. she would look a lot better if she just lost some weight... she shouldn't be wearing that, doesn't she know how gross it looks with her belly looking like that?</i><br />
These are the things I hear in my head and imagine that people are thinking about me while I'm just walking past people in the store, meeting an old acquaintance at the pool, or even in the safe space of my own home.<br />
<br />
I don't like the answer because it means that I've gone from seeing food, exercise and the number as all pieces of an important story on my journey to a healthy mom/wife/person to the reason I either feel accomplished and happy or upset and like a failure. From seeing the number as something that just isn't that important other than for medical reasons (see this blog post for an explanation on that: <a href="http://fireandstone.blogspot.ca/2015/08/not-summary-part-1.html" target="_blank">Not a Summary: Part 1</a>), but rather to something I place my self-worth in. It's just not okay.<br />
<br />
SO .. after a solid two weeks of silent self pity and loathing that I can't seem to put the flippin chips down, or stop at one helping of a full plate (which of course puts me on the path of eating more to feel better while I'm angry for doing exactly that .. ugh. ridiculous) I am writing this blog. Not only to share what my real thoughts are and to let others who struggle with food addiction and body image know that they are not alone, but also to kick that self pity to the curb. ENOUGH. I don't like that look on me. It's not beautiful. (not that the goal is just to be beautiful physically, but I hope you're getting what I'm saying here people lol)<br />
<br />
What IS beautiful is the fact that I'm deciding to sit down tonight and decide what is beautiful about me. I'm not going to imagine what others think is beautiful about me.<br />
What is beautiful is that I'm going to wake up tomorrow and I'm going to check the number, because it's creeping into the extremely unhealthy territory, and I'm going to make a goal. A healthy, attainable, realistic goal.. and I'm going to get to that goal in a positive way.<br />
What is beautiful is that after I see the number, I'm going to change my first reaction of despair and disgust. I'm going to tell myself that it doesn't matter. That I am strong and that the number itself is not what defines me.<br />
What is beautiful is that despite the fact that I can eat as healthy as I want, and exercise as often as I want and still gain weight (thank you Hypothyroidism for not being gone like I thought you were) is that there is medication for that part of this. And even though I've managed to gain 17 pounds in less than a month due to it, it is reversible and it is not life threatening. Untreated it could threaten my brain pressure and vision yet again.. but I'm educated now, I"m aware now, I've seen the doctor and it won't get to that point. Knowing that I"ll be okay, that I will still have great vision, that I can be helped.. that is what is beautiful, even if I'm not at the end of that yet.<br />
What is beautiful is that despite the fact that I am struggling to believe my own words about body positivity and being confident no matter how I feel about myself currently, is the fact that I know I can get there. I am going to repeat the words to myself over and over again. and I know that I WILL believe them. I have before, I get glimpses now what I put my mind to it, and it will soon be second nature, because deep down that is my base.<br />
What is beautiful is that despite the struggle, I still bought my first bikini (also first high-waisted article of clothing) and put that darn thing on and went to the pool. And although I had to remind myself time and time again that it didn't matter if anyone was thinking anything negative about me, I still did it. I put it aside and spent my energy playing with my daughter and making memories with her that didn't involve her seeing me tuck in and suck in and walk awkwardly just to look a tiny bit smoother or smaller, but rather memories that involve a lot of giggling, jumping and sliding.<br />
What is beautiful is that I wore that shirt with the sheer back, despite the fact that I knew my back 'flaps' could be seen and that people may assume that having those makes a person ugly or less worthy. I wore it because I just wanted to wear it! I like the shirt. Why can't I wear the shirt? I can. I can wear the fashion that I want to. FINALLY. And knowing that I did it, that I didn't put it back and say <i>oh I'll just wait till I'm twenty pounds lighter</i> or <i>I wish I was small enough to wear the clothes I like</i>, felt beautifully empowering.<br />
What is beautiful is that I am consciously making an effort, despite the thoughts and the feelings, to put my mind and my kids memories first. And I should be proud of that. The feelings of beauty will come (and already do sometimes) when I just focus on this beautiful life and treating myself like I want to live in it for a very long and healthy time. For me and for my family.<br />
What is beautiful is that hopefully I can train up my children to have a healthy attitude towards their bodies, as well as others. To treat both theirs and others' bodies with respect.<br />
What is beautiful is that despite the fact that I don't always treat mine kindly, it continues to strive to be it's best for me. It continues to sustain not only me, but two babies as well. It lets me move around, carry and chase children, have dance parties with the toddler and feed the baby twins. It continues to let me love my husband and work hard during the day, no matter how little sleep it got. The survival and smarts and strength that come from this body continue to astound me, and that is just so. very. beautiful.<br />
What is beautiful is that I have a husband who loves and has loved me and told me how beautiful I am at every different size I've been at. He's also told me that it doesn't matter what size I am, or what the number is, as long as I'm trying to do the best by my health, that is what is attractive.<br />
<br />
Love doesn't see a number. Love sees the person.<br />
<br />
So, love your person. Do what it takes to healthily love yourself. You are your very own self. It's really so amazing!<br />
<br />
You are beautiful. I am beautiful.<br />
And it has nothing to do with the number.<br />
<br />
<3<br />
<br />
Ps. Thank you for listening to my nighttime ramblings. Despite the fact that I'll most likely be up in an hour to feed a baby or two, I am so very glad that I did this. I am already feeling renewed in my spirit and my mind for the 786,523rd re-start on my journey to a healthy body and mind. lol<br />
<br />
Ps#2. I did not write this to elicit sympathy or compliments or judgment (obviously ha). Please don't feel that you have to give any of those things. (altho, like, I totally do accept compliments ;P) Please just have read this with an open heart, as I know you will, and send up some prayers or send me some positive vibes for continued strength and motivation as I wait for both my thyroid meds to kick in and as I actively work on conquering my food addiction.Stephanie Nicolehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03420543801568660140noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7781169229144641006.post-58599893102030828092017-01-01T09:31:00.000-06:002017-01-01T09:31:13.412-06:00The End of 2016Ok so I know I just posted a blog but I finally got my film back where I was actually trying to put to use a few things I had learned about my camera. Carrie and Luke make such great subjects and my little girl well, obviously she is too cute :) So here are a few more film pictures from fall and current! Slowly but surely, I am learning more.<br />
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Also, my sister's Christmas gift to me was a bunch of film, and the promise for a few days of shooting together and mini workshops from her! I can hardly wait! Gonna have to do that asap as walking is getting harder with this big growing belly :P<br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">A Day in the Winter Wonderland</td></tr>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Christmas Party 2016</td></tr>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">A Day in the Leaves</td></tr>
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<br />Stephanie Nicolehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03420543801568660140noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7781169229144641006.post-50208628481093828412016-12-31T11:49:00.000-06:002017-01-01T13:53:01.396-06:00Twinformation<div style="background-color: white; color: #212121; font-family: arial; font-size: 10pt; padding: 0px; word-wrap: break-word;">
What a whirlwind these past two months have been! As probably most of you, if not all of you know.. we found out on November 1st that we are having twins!! We could not be more thrilled, shocked, excited and terrified lol </div>
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We spent the first week laughing every hour.. <em>this doesn't happen to us</em>.. <em>this happens to other people, you know?</em> <i>TWO babies?!</i> We also spent it sharing the good news and just being excited.<br />
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The Father answered both our prayers at the same time; I had been telling Trav that I never wanted to be pregnant again, but he was trying to convince me otherwise as we had wanted more than two kids. So, twins! ha! </div>
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These last few weeks have been a roller coaster of excitement - as we imagine our daughter meeting the both of them, and how we will watch them grow together - to overwhelming feelings of how are we going to do this? - how do you feed two at once, how are we all going to fit in our house, will we sleep?? </div>
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I have been so very blessed with a friend and family member who has done this before; she lets me ask her any kind of question and shares her experience. It has already made me feel more informed, and I know that if they can do it.. so can we! and really, look how many people have done it.. we shall prevail lol</div>
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Now another concern I had about this, pregnancy-wise, was.. now that it's two babies in me, how is this going to affect my brain pressure? I was already nervous about what to expect with one and now I feel like it's a whole new ball game, again. </div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #212121; font-family: arial; font-size: 10pt; padding: 0px; word-wrap: break-word;">
I had another neurologist appointment at the end of November and somehow I hadn't gained any weight as of then (I was six months along) but the twins are supposedly a good size (yay!). He took a look at my optic nerves and the pictures were the best we had seen yet :') I truly believe that the Lord has healed me. I look forward to the day where I can be off my thyroid pills as well. While I'm sure I will gain in these last three months, I want them to be as healthy as possible and I will continue to trust that the Lord will balance things out just how it needs to done.<br />
*update: I am now 30 weeks and have gained 7 pounds but have still no symptoms of the pressure around my brain going up; my next neurologist appointment is at the end of January and I have no concerns :')</div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #212121; font-family: arial; font-size: 10pt; padding: 0px; word-wrap: break-word;">
<br /></div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #212121; font-family: arial; font-size: 10pt; padding: 0px; word-wrap: break-word;">
To answer a few of the questions some of you might have, but haven't had a chance to ask.. (these seem to be the popular ones hehe)</div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #212121; font-family: arial; font-size: 10pt; padding: 0px; word-wrap: break-word;">
<br /></div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #212121; font-family: arial; font-size: 10pt; padding: 0px; word-wrap: break-word;">
-No, as far as we know there are no twins in the family. It would come through the mother's side and there are no twins through my mother, grandmother, great-grandmother etc. We are calling them our spontaneous fraternal twins. :)</div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #212121; font-family: arial; font-size: 10pt; padding: 0px; word-wrap: break-word;">
-Twin A is a girl, Twin B is a boy. We are very happy. :) <span style="font-size: 13.3333px;">I'm so excited about the fact that Ali will have a brother AND a sister! We get to pick two names instead of one, and we get to experience what it's like to have cute little boy clothes :)</span></div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #212121; font-family: arial; font-size: 10pt; padding: 0px; word-wrap: break-word;">
-I will be having them in Winnipeg, as Winkler does not deliver twins. </div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #212121; font-family: arial; font-size: 10pt; padding: 0px; word-wrap: break-word;">
-my due date is March 7th; however, I'm expecting to have them in February.. they will consider me full term and induce if I haven't had them at 38 weeks (Feb 21st)</div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #212121; font-family: arial; font-size: 10pt; padding: 0px; word-wrap: break-word;">
-it is very wild to feel two humans inside of you. Often it just feels like I'm at the end of a pregnancy with one baby but sometimes I get kicked in two very opposite spots and then i know, that was two separate people <3 pray for my ribs. lol Hearing two heartbetas.. that was wild. Two very different places on my body, two totally different babies.... all growing right there. <3 Creation is so amazing. We love them so much already.<br />
-our most recent fetal assessments showed no concerns and both are growing healthily. The girl was kicking the boy in the face haha we love that we will get to see them grow, as we have many more ultrasounds (assessments) yet before they are born. </div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #212121; font-family: arial; font-size: 10pt; padding: 0px; word-wrap: break-word;">
-I don't really know much more other than that. I have lots to learn, and I am looking forward to it.. and so very happy that I am not alone in this. I have the most wonderful and supportive partner who is already the best dad ever. :D</div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #212121; font-family: arial; font-size: 10pt; padding: 0px; word-wrap: break-word;">
<br />
Some prayer requests if you are wanting to do so:<br />
-continued health for me and the babies, and that I am able to do the necessary things while I stay home with Alex until they are born (I am on leave already). It's getting difficult to do daily things<br />
-supernaturally quick iron increase in my body<br />
-that the labor and birth will be at the right time and go great<br />
-good weather on the days we need to be in the city, especially the day they are born<br />
-strength & health for trav as he continues to do so many things for me<br />
-mental health/stability for both of us when these kiddos arrive and that Alex transitions well to the additions <3<br />
<br /></div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #212121; font-family: arial; font-size: 10pt; padding: 0px; word-wrap: break-word;">
Also, we just want to say thank you. It is very humbling to have so many people be so happy for you, we feel your love. And to those who have already offered help, given us things and told us they are praying; thank you so much. It doesn't go unnoticed and is much appreciated :)</div>
Stephanie Nicolehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03420543801568660140noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7781169229144641006.post-19351211710912723582016-11-08T09:36:00.000-06:002016-11-08T09:36:00.616-06:00Carrie & LukeMy first attempt at actually learning to use my film camera.. and it turned out pretty decent! I had two great looking subjects so I'm lucky that way; and they were willing to take the time while I fiddled with the camera in between and listened to some words of wisdom from Care.<br />
<br />
The first one is from a different time (family zoo trip) but they were just too cute together not to post hehe<br />
<br />
My personal favourites I have saved for last.. the lights and shadows on their face made me so happy! I can't wait to keep practicing!<br />
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Stephanie Nicolehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03420543801568660140noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7781169229144641006.post-79165449782591156082016-10-25T20:56:00.001-05:002016-10-25T20:56:36.546-05:00Where do I Begin? Right Here.<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="color: black;"><span style="font-size: small;">I'm
not really sure how to even begin this one. It's something that
weighs heavy on me, so very often. It's such a big conversation to
start and I'm so thankful that there are so many others starting it
as well. I don't really know how you would label it but it falls
somewhere under the Objectifying Women, Rape Culture, Feminism Is
Necessary category. Now before you start thinking 'oh goodness,
another feminist rant' .. remember that it's me here. A feminist. A
friend. A woman. And so much more.. please, read.</span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="color: black;">And since I don't really know how
to start or how exactly I even want this to come across, I'm just
going to share with you what I have been learning these last few
years of my life.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="color: black;">We do normalize and
minimize the things we go through so often that no wonder there are a
lot of people who do not know what it's like or have a hard time
understanding our reactions to 'small' things. Let's see if we can start talking.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="color: black;">Boys, Men .. you are so very
important in the shaping of a young woman's future outlook on life
and herself. And vice versa. Girls, Women.. you need to treat men the
same way you want and should be treated.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="color: black;">I have recently been discovering,
now that I"m a married adult with 1 little girl and a baby on
the way (took me long enough.. and yet, I feel thankful that I'm
learning this earlier than some), just how much the comments and
actions of boys/men throughout my life have affected me, my trust and
how I view my own gender and others. Both for the negative and the
positive.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="color: black;">Now you have to understand, I am
very fortunate. And because of this, I never really thought I had
much to add to the conversation when it came to people's views on
these topics. I have never been raped. I have never had a family
member or close family friend treat me inappropriately. My father, my
aunts & uncles, my grandparents.. everyone was exactly like they
should be. Loving and kind and treated me how people should. It never
even occurred to me growing up that people had to deal with family
members being the ones to cause torment in their lives. And I no
longer take that for granted. I'm so thankful every day for the
amazing family I have been blessed with.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="color: black;">Now, the more articles I read and
the more experiences I hear people share about, make me realize that
in many, many other ways I have been objectified and it has
<i>completely</i> shaped who I am today. When you've lived a life
like mine, this can be a startling discovery and completely change
your view on your past and your present person.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="color: black;">I now suddenly understand why
certain comments made/make me feel uncomfortable and certain actions
did/do too, but I also felt powerless to speak up or do anything
about it and just went about my day. Through our whole lives we have
heard all those sayings that everyone knows and accepts as reasonable
explanations: "Well, they're just being boys" or "That's
just how boys are" or "She shouldn't have dressed like
that, then she wouldn't have had these problems" or "Don't
wear that, the boys won't be able to concentrate" etc. etc.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="color: black;">I'm sure you've heard this all
before and are maybe annoyed to be reading them again but remember,
this is my personal experience. It matters because I matter. And so
do you. and so does your wife and your child and your friend.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="color: black;">These sayings are not reasonable
explanations. They are just complete fabrications. They entitle boys
to grow up thinking of girls as a view, or an object and that it's
okay. They tell girls that how they are treated is not the fault of
the person treating them wrongly, but because of their appearance.
And unless you've felt that way, you can in no way understand the
pressure, the guilt and the conflicting emotions that makes you feel.
<b>Most of all, like your person just doesn't matter.</b> And I think
it's safe to say that that is one of the worst feelings a person can
have.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="color: black;">This will get a little happier
yet, I promise.. but it's a serious discussion and it's not usually a
happy subject.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="color: black;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="color: black;">-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
I mentioned I would share
some specific things that happened in my life to shape who I am and
my worldview today; both negative and positive. I like to end on a
happier note so let's start with the negative.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="color: black;">I hit puberty fairly early, around
age 11, and I was so innocent. I grew up in a bit of a bubble, that
I'm thankful for that, but it made other people's actions even more
confusing to me.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="color: black;"><span style="font-size: small;">When I was 12, I remember someone
telling me that the guys had watched me walk away and comment that
'Steph had a nice ass'. and it made me nervous to walk, anywhere. I
remember feeling ashamed that I had felt so confident in my favourite
pants when maybe if I had worn something a little baggier, I wouldn't
have had to hear those words. And I remember feeling bad that a
little part of me felt good about it, yeah I did have a nice butt.
<u>And thats supposed to mean something, right?</u></span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="color: black;">When I was 13, I walked in on a
group of people and the room went silent. They all kind of looked
awkwardly away and I hurried out of there. Later I found out, they
had been discussing.. DISCUSSING with EACH OTHER, what they could all
see me wearing. And trust me when I saw, it wasn't much and it was
imaginative. I remember feeling embarrassed to see any of them the
next day because I felt naked, in my sweater. . knowing that they had
been imagining together, what I looked like without my clothes. I
remember feeling silly, like maybe it shouldn't matter so much to me
because "boys are just hormonal" and "they can't help
it". And since there were no actions involved, only words, maybe
I was overreacting. But I still didn't want to walk past them. And
there were so many of them, and only one of me.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="color: black;">When I was 14, I wore a shirt that
had the work 'Rock' on it. This ignited the question, to my face, if
that meant my nipples were hard as rock. I just stood there, with my
mouth open. To be fair, he looked ashamed and ran quickly away. I
have never understood why a boy can be completely kind when he's
alone, but say things he never normally would when surrounded by a
group. I remember never wearing that shirt again, and looking through
all my other shirts that I owned to see if there was anything that
invoke such a comment again. Unfortunately I missed one. That story
is similar.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="color: black;">When I was 15, I got smacked in
the ass with a tennis raquet by a male friend. Everyone laughed it
off and I was confused because I felt like I didn't like that, but
that I shouldn't make a big deal of it because it wasn't his actual
hand so I probably shouldn't care. And if everyone else thought it
was funny, I probably should too. I managed to keep my distance for
the next few games but I didn't enjoy that class as much anymore.
Plus I should have been able to have fun playing, not trying to avoid
physcial touch that was uninvited. </span>
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="color: black;">When I was 15, an adult in a
position of authority touched my butt. He claimed it was an accident,
that he was just picking something up.. so I didn't say anything. But
the object he was picking up was a good couple of feet from me. I
felt violated and powerless to do anything because I knew it would
just be me saying something had happened. I didn't want to see him
again or walk past him again either, but this was not an option. I
remember wondering just how many people did things like this. I later
heard other stories from other girls about similar incidents and now
that I'm older I wonder if that could have been stopped had I spoke
up.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="color: black;">When I was 17, I met my future
husband. Well, to be fair.. he saw me from a distance and found me on
facebook later and connected with me. (He was friends with some of my
family, so it's not as out there as it sounds haha). When he
contacted me, wanting to talk and get to know me, I remember my very
first thought being: why? what did he see? I mentally went through
the evening he had seen me and the only reason I felt assured enough
to even talk to him was because I had been sitting the entire evening
and wearing a jacket. So it couldn't have been my body that had
attracted him. It still took me over a month to trust any of his kind
words, and I didn't understand why. He was/is a total gentleman, a
man who isn't just a "boys will be boys" kinda guy.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="color: black;">Now these are just a few
instances, the ones that cross my mind now and again. Never mind the
adult males who check you out so often in one conversation while your
still a teen, that you often hold things in front of you just to make
it stop. and 'smaller' things like that. I often wish I could go back
now and handle those situations differently. Because oh how I would.
I have grown, I am confident in my worth as a person, and I know that
none of that is okay. And I'm allowed to do what I can to put a stop
to it.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="color: black;">These people are grown now too and
maybe they don't remember any of it, maybe they do. Maybe they shrug
it off as hormonal or immature years, or maybe they feel badly about
it. The important thing is, now that I understand that these are the
reasons that it took me so long to trust my future husband, and the
reasons why I still feel uncomfortable if my pants are tight, even
though thats how I like them, or am afraid to walk past males because
I assume they are checking out my behind and I just feel stripped.
Without consent. . now that I understand, I can do my best to change
it. </span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="color: black;">I can teach my daughter to tell
someone, to take a stand if these things happen to her. I pray she
has an even better experience as a woman then I have had, but I want
her to feel in control. And not ashamed. If our next baby is a boy, I
can't wait to teach him how important he is and that he has the power
to help change a woman's world, or a man's. He can be the one to lead
by example and to one day cherish his wife like his Dad loves me :)</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="color: black;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="color: black;">Now, here's some positive
examples! finally! lol</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="color: black;">Through all these years of all
these things, 90% of the males in my life never said anything
inappropriate to me or made me uncomfortable in any way. Hearing
other people's stories, I have been very fortunate and protected. My
heart aches for those who've dealt with much worse and by people
close to them.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="color: black;">Throughout high school I had a
couple of male friends who were wonderful. They were protective, and
I often found out about instances later where they actually
approached guys who said perverse things to me and told them to stop
or else. I cannot thank them enough, not only because it worked, but
because they showed me what a boy could be, should be.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="color: black;">When I was in my later teens, a
couple of guys were asking me about my physical relationship with
Trav (my future husband) and if we did this or that all the time and
proceeded to describe in detail how they imagined it going down. I
just stood there in shock and didn't know how to respond. I just
wanted them to shut up. And then my male teacher came up and he
yelled at them. He told them to stop and that if anyone one day
treated his daughter this way and were this disrespectful to her, he
would have something to do about it. They hung their heads and left
quickly. I don't think I ever even thanked him, I was just so
surprised that someone had said something. He showed me that it
doesn't take many words to put someone in their place (sometimes) and
that I could trust him, and maybe others too.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="color: black;">My husband was, and is, fantastic.
He never pressured me, we were and are best friends, he is protective
but not jealous, and he respects my decisions so much that even if I
waver, he takes the stand that he knows I want to take. And when I'm
strong, I am so, so thankful for that because I can see it so
clearly.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<a href="https://www.blogger.com/null" name="OWAEmoji303289"></a>
<span style="color: black;">And all my life, my amazing Dad,
showed me what love means. The way he has taken care of and treated
my mom was all the example I ever needed. Without knowing it, he's
the reason that I knew I was supposed to be treated with respect,
that I was to be emotionally taken care of, that I mattered. And the
reason that I married someone just as wonderful, who does those
things :')</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="color: black;">I'll probably write more one day,
on a similar vein, because there's just so much about this topic I
could say.. but this was a lot for now. I hope that ladies, you read
this and know that you are worth so so much, and that you can tell
someone if you're treated wrongly. And men, I hope you read this and
know how important you are and that you are teaching your sons the
same. </span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="color: black;">Thanks for listening guys, it means the world <3</span></div>
<br />
<br /><br />
Stephanie Nicolehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03420543801568660140noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7781169229144641006.post-43589611102561746642016-10-16T23:38:00.001-05:002016-10-16T23:38:18.746-05:00Trials & Praise <span style="color: #454545; font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; font-size: 17px; text-decoration: -webkit-letterpress;">Yesterday was a little bit rough. Nothing bad happened.. There were even a few really good things. But I still, at the end of the day, felt sad. My stomach was feeling icky and my back hurt and I was just tired of not feeling like myself. And I thought what I always do: tomorrow will be better. </span><br />
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; font-size: 17px; text-decoration: -webkit-letterpress;">
<br /></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; font-size: 17px; text-decoration: -webkit-letterpress;">
But you know, I woke up sad. Still just feeling down. </div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; font-size: 17px; text-decoration: -webkit-letterpress;">
Those of you who know me, know that this is not my default. It is, however; something I've dealt with before. I've never been diagnosed with depression or anxiety but I would say I've had bits and pieces of both throughout my life. Never severe and I've always come out of it with natural methods.. *But that's just my story. Everyone's is different and your methods of healthy coping or healing should look like what's right for you.*</div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; font-size: 17px; text-decoration: -webkit-letterpress;">
<br /></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; font-size: 17px; text-decoration: -webkit-letterpress;">
Needless to say, I don't like it when it returns and when I didn't wake up feeling like it was a new day and a new chance to not feel any morning sickness, I was discouraged. And mentally prepared to feel that way all day. I didn't have the emotional or mental strength to even try to combat it. And so a bunch of little things annoyed me all morning, I was exhausted just thinking of all the things I needed to do, and I really did not want to go to church. </div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; font-size: 17px; text-decoration: -webkit-letterpress;">
<br /></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; font-size: 17px; text-decoration: -webkit-letterpress;">
Buuut we went lol and wouldn't you know it, the pastor talked about not focusing on the trials, even though they are real, and to fix our eyes above and just praise anyways. And then there were a bunch of people who went up and just shared how they got to the point they are currently at in their lives and how sometimes you just have to look back and see how many times God has pulled you through or put you in the right spot at the right time so that you know that your current journey/struggle will end and will end joyously. </div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; font-size: 17px; text-decoration: -webkit-letterpress;">
<br /></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; font-size: 17px; text-decoration: -webkit-letterpress;">
So I said to the Father: I'm sorry and I really don't want to feel like this. Truly I feel much better than the beginning of this pregnancy and I'm going to focus on that instead. I got through those months and I'll get through this and all this really means is I have a healthy baby and I just couldn't be thankful enough for that. Help me with this day. </div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; font-size: 17px; text-decoration: -webkit-letterpress;">
<br /></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; font-size: 17px; text-decoration: -webkit-letterpress;">
And you know I'm just now realizing.. Apparently it takes me awhile lol.... I've had a really great day. I haven't felt sad since then and my stomach is even a bit more relaxed. I enjoyed good food, wonderful family and felt happy right till the night. And as I'm lying here in the dark texting this out (it takes forever but I'm too lazy to go get my laptop) I don't even feel afraid for tomorrow :) </div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; font-size: 17px; text-decoration: -webkit-letterpress;">
<br /></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; font-size: 17px; text-decoration: -webkit-letterpress;">
Tomorrow will be even better <3 </div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; font-size: 17px; text-decoration: -webkit-letterpress;">
<br /></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; font-size: 17px; text-decoration: -webkit-letterpress;">
Ps. I feel like that was somewhat directionless but I really just wanted to let the world know that im thankful, thankful for where I'm at today.</div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; font-size: 17px; text-decoration: -webkit-letterpress;">
Ps2. My husband has just done super awesome handling me and my moods and lack of energy and clingyness ;) shoutout to him lol 😜👌🏻💕</div>
Stephanie Nicolehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03420543801568660140noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7781169229144641006.post-91754675029613055072016-08-29T19:58:00.002-05:002016-08-29T20:06:19.717-05:00Film - My Very OwnI have bought a camera!! a film camera :')<br />
<br />
I am so excited. But, also pregnant and ill... so... I have used it. But learned nothing about it. ha!! Soon, when my energy returns, my photographer sister (check her out here, some serious talent: <a href="http://carrielynnunger.ca/blog/" target="_blank">Carrie Lynn Unger</a> ) shall teach me things and I shall become involved and artsy ;) <3<br />
<br />
Here are the following first few pictures I took. Some of them turned out awesome, some of them pretty bad. lol I'm posting them anyway because, despite the flash, I have the cutest little family :)<br />
<br />
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picture cred: my mother-in-law<br />
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Stephanie Nicolehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03420543801568660140noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7781169229144641006.post-92215412492200477832016-07-22T11:47:00.004-05:002016-07-22T11:47:40.422-05:00Neurology & Pregnancy<div class="MsoNormal">
As many of you already know; my husband and I have recently
found out that we are pregnant <span style="font-family: Wingdings; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-char-type: symbol; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-symbol-font-family: Wingdings;">J</span></div>
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This is a wonderful thing and I’m so very happy that Alex will have a sibling
sometime early next year. This was also, however, a very nervous thing for me.
It was a little earlier than planned and I didn’t know what this would mean for
my health; brain-pressure wise. <o:p></o:p></div>
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I’ve been dealing with morning sickness for a while now and
honestly believe it’s been so bad because of how stressed I have been about my,
then, upcoming neurologist appointment. Well, that appointment is over now and
I’m doing much better! It’s more like regular morning sickness now (with the
help of Diclectin from the Dr. as well) and I’m very happy to post about my appointment
today!<o:p></o:p></div>
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After taking a look at the pictures of my eyes, my
Neurologist was very pleased. He said both eyes were doing much better and they
looked good. I was so relieved to hear that and then I shared the news. <i>I’m pregnant. What does this mean for me?</i>
<i>What
does this mean for Baby?</i><o:p></o:p></div>
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Well, he was very excited for us <span style="font-family: Wingdings; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-char-type: symbol; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-symbol-font-family: Wingdings;">J</span> And promptly told me I should
find out what I’m having haha This is why I like him.. he’s so genuine! He
congratulated me and said that he was very happy with the fact that we are
starting out with things fairly under control.</div>
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He advised me to follow my
Doctor’s curve of weight gain but to do my very best not to go over it, as he
expects as I gain weight, the disease will come back. He’s hoping not to the
extent that it was, but said we would deal with it then. <o:p></o:p></div>
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As the pills for lowering the pressure around your brain
have not been completely proven to be safe for babies, I will not be taking
them even if necessary in the later stages of this pregnancy. If I think about
that for too long, it gets scary. My vision could be at risk; however, it’s not
my life or my baby’s life and I’m just so very thankful for that. <o:p></o:p></div>
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The plan is, once morning sickness is over and I am not
repulsed by all random things on the planet, to eat extremely healthily during
this pregnancy.. in the hopes that I gain only what is healthy for the baby and
also won’t be too much for me. Some prayers would be much appreciated as this
is a different journey than the last time <3 <o:p></o:p></div>
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On another positive note; many women whose hypothyroidism is
caused by a first pregnancy (this is me), is often reversed and set back to
normal after a second pregnancy. I am very hopeful that this will be the case
for me and that after this beautiful second baby, all my Winnipeg appointments and
daily pills can stop! Wouldn’t that be amazing?? Yes. Yes it would <3<o:p></o:p></div>
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Thanks for listening, yet again! Sorry this one was a bit
more factual than fun ;)<o:p></o:p></div>
Stephanie Nicolehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03420543801568660140noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7781169229144641006.post-92072119562922102832016-06-27T14:26:00.005-05:002016-06-27T14:34:28.879-05:00Anxiety's Enemy<div class="MsoNormal">
Anxiety. So many of us know the word. So many of us know the
feeling. I’m willing to bet that most of us, hate it. If you’re anything like
me, anyway.</div>
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<o:p></o:p></div>
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I didn’t use to think that I was an anxious person. In fact,
I would say that I was probably one of the most care-free people… ever! <o:p></o:p></div>
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And then I had a baby. And this, was a wonderful thing.
However; it changed my body. My hormones.. whacked. My thyroid.. whacked. My
intracranial pressure… whacked. My iron levels… sooooo low. (I bet you thought
I was gonna say whacked.. ha SURPRISE)<o:p></o:p></div>
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And what do you know, a symptom of every single one of these
things? Mood swings. Irritability. Fatigue. All of those things together;
anxiety.<o:p></o:p></div>
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So it’s been a very interesting road for me these last
almost two years. I didn’t really realize it until probably half a year ago. .
I’m not sure why it took that long but suddenly I realized that hey, I’m
feeling stressed about basically every single thing, I freak out a lot easier
than most people about very small things.. or things that haven’t even
happened. I realized that it took me a really long time to relax, like probably
2 or 3 hours into a kid-free date. And sometimes, I just get so wound up that I
cannot see past what is currently happening. It hit me; I must be a person who
deals with anxiety! It sounds silly, I know.<o:p></o:p></div>
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Once I figured that out, it changed my perspective a bit.
Instead of constantly being in that mode of tense, I tried to remember that
this is why I was feeling this way. And to stop and breathe, and relax my
muscles, and take more time for myself. And to work out. This is a huge one!<o:p></o:p></div>
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However, although that sometimes works a bit in the moment,
my default is/was just still always STRESS.<o:p></o:p></div>
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And you know, that gets pretty tiring. And frustrating. And
your body just wasn’t made for that! <o:p></o:p><br />
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Now, I understand that my level of anxiety is probably on
the smaller scale.. and I haven’t been diagnosed with anything so of course, I’m
always going to encourage people to see a doctor, therapist, naturopath or
whatever you feel you need to do. But, here’s what happened to me this weekend:<o:p></o:p><br />
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It was Friday.. and I spent it sewing curtains (yes, you can
laugh) until 1am with my mother-in-law (who is a saint for teaching me for that
long). This was a good experience, I learned to surge and sew and practiced my
ironing skills which had been dormant for quite some time. I even enjoyed it!
This surprised me haha<o:p></o:p></div>
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However, in between all of that.. I just kept thinking about
how busy tomorrow was going to be. And how I didn’t think I could finish my
to-do list in the day. And that it just would be the end of SOMETHING if I
didn’t get it all done like I wanted to. And I was pre-stressing about how stressed
I was going to be tomorrow and just imagining my brain exploding or my body
falling into pieces! And finally I just said “God, I need help tomorrow doing
all that. A;sdlkgh” or some kind of sound ha and then I continued to iron.<o:p></o:p></div>
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Fast forward to tomorrow. We took something off the list,
which took another something off the list, and decided to go watch our nephews
play ball instead. Alex played happily with her Nana and cousin and I actually
sat and watched because of that. Then I went home and took a shower and
realized.. I feel strange. Something’s different. LET’S ANALYZE <o:p></o:p></div>
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I… Was… Relaxed!! ;asldkj;falkjdf! <o:p></o:p></div>
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A miracle! In the middle of the day, haven’t been kid-free
yet, my to-do list did not get done, and I was on my way to a get-together in a
few minutes; if I could get ready in time. Wow! I just stood there and let the
water wash over me and almost felt like crying. What a wonderful, warm
feeling.. to feel peace in the middle of what is normally chaos for you. <o:p></o:p></div>
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And then I realized.. Ohhhhhhh… I asked for help yesterday.
It was not an eloquent prayer. Hence the ‘aha;sdfhak’. It was not well thought
out, or filled with pre-thanks or worship. It was a desperate,
throw-your-hands-up, YOU GOTTA DO SOMETHING LORD’ kind of thing…for a ‘non-big’
problem. Just rolled into one word:
Help.</div>
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And He did <span style="font-family: "wingdings"; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-char-type: symbol; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-symbol-font-family: Wingdings;">J</span><o:p></o:p></div>
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<span style="font-family: "wingdings"; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-char-type: symbol; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-symbol-font-family: Wingdings;"><br /></span></div>
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Something so simple, yet so easy to forget when you spend
every day in your own world and thinking about things you need to remember.
Just ask for help. The supernatural kind of help is unexplainable but oh so
wonderful. Also, ask a person.. or a therapist , or a doctor. Help. <o:p></o:p><br />
<br />
I always thought that I wasn't trying to do things on my own, because I pray all the time. For other people, and thanking Him for things..... I was forgetting that crucial part of what He loves to do. Help! lol okay I think I've got that word in your minds now ;)</div>
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And remember to keep asking. It’s not a bad thing; we were
created to love and help one another. And this world and we are not perfect.
It’s okay not to have it all together, and it’s most definitely ok not to
pretend that you do. <o:p></o:p></div>
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I’m still going to write my to-do lists. They help me with
my memory. Lol and my sanity.<o:p></o:p></div>
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But I’m going to try to remember to ask for help, so that I
don’t fall apart when I think about my list, or don’t finish it. <o:p></o:p></div>
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Peace in the middle of it all. Anxiety’s enemy.<o:p></o:p></div>
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It’s worth everything. <o:p></o:p></div>
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To anyone else who lives like me: You got this <3<o:p></o:p></div>
Stephanie Nicolehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03420543801568660140noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7781169229144641006.post-5620413521695996912016-05-25T10:11:00.000-05:002016-05-25T10:11:39.578-05:00Ok, Real Talk Time<div class="MsoNormal">
Alright; real talk time. <o:p></o:p></div>
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I haven’t posted a health update in a long time. This isn’t
because I haven’t had news. It’s been because I’ve felt like a failure. <o:p></o:p></div>
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This seemingly never-ending struggle with food has brought
me down too many times. I still <i>feel</i> pretty
great (thank you Jesus) but my last neurologist appointment only went partially
well. It was on May 9<sup>th</sup>.<o:p></o:p></div>
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He said my one eye was even better than ever, but that the
other eye was bleeding (or had bled, I mostly panicked and couldn’t understand
much after that). He showed me the spot on the picture and said very sternly
that I needed to lose ten pounds by my next apt (July 20<sup>th</sup>) or he
was going to be forced to put me on meds. <o:p></o:p></div>
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Now, I did not lie to him when he asked if I had lost
weight. I said no. However, we continued talking after that and I did not tell
him that I had actually gained 12 pounds. (So now I need to actually lose 22
pounds.) This was probably a very bad idea. But I was just so ashamed. It
happened so slowly. I was feeling so great after my last appointment having had
lost 20 pounds in total that I relaxed. And fell right back into old habits.
That, coupled with never knowing if my thyroid medication is working, equaled
weight gain. NOT OK.<o:p></o:p></div>
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Part of me was so sad when I walked out of there. Really, I
did this to myself. And that is just so… wrong. And disrespectful .. my body
does everything in it’s power to work for me, to heal itself, to allow me to do
such amazing things and this was how I treated it. Plus, it just never feels
good to feel like something owns you. And I know this is wrong, but I always
feel like it’s so unfair. I know that I’m bigger, but I would never have
guessed that I was big enough to cause damage to myself, you know? Many other
people don’t have this problem so why me? But I know that that is not the right
way to think; I recognize that that’s whiny and selfish and that the problem is
in my heart. Time to fix that I guess :P<o:p></o:p></div>
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The other part of me was so relieved when I walked out of
there, because the dreaded appointment was over. And because my one eye is
looking super great. And because now I feel flippin motivated to treat my body
well. And because, despite my weaknesses and bad judgment, my vision has still
been protected. Not a sparkle in sight. I don’t deserve that. <o:p></o:p></div>
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And therein lies the problem; I so often feel like I don’t
deserve all the protection and health I have been given, despite my choices and
despite what Life has handed to me. But God doesn’t work that way. Ours is not
a work-based relationship. He looks at me and He sees His Daughter. Made
blameless by the Son. It’s almost impossible to fathom. <o:p></o:p></div>
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So my goal is, of course to stop eating so much ice cream
and just so much in general lol, but more importantly; it is to remember to
practice resting. Rest in the Father. In His Word and His Promises. In His
Love. With the better understanding of the depth of His Love for me, I believe
my actions will start to change automatically. It’s happened before. When there
is Peace and Love, there is much less of a ‘need’ for addiction. I look forward
to having more strength to make better decisions. <o:p></o:p></div>
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Thanks for taking the time to read these things guys; they
aren’t always easy to post because it’s like; HERE. HERE’S MY SOUL. Lol <o:p></o:p></div>
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and for those of you who are praying or sending good vibes..
it’s MUCH appreciated.</div>
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<o:p></o:p></div>
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Love you all <3<o:p></o:p></div>
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Oh! PS. I have since then, lost 5.5 pounds. Only 16.5 to go!
*fist pump*<o:p></o:p></div>
Stephanie Nicolehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03420543801568660140noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7781169229144641006.post-45206861936427749562016-05-12T23:09:00.000-05:002016-05-13T10:28:17.510-05:00A New Exploration<div style="background-color: white; color: #212121; font-family: arial; font-size: 10pt; padding: 0px; word-wrap: break-word;">
Kenora; oh this place. </div>
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I never knew just how magical it really was. I took my sister there a few weekends ago, for her birthday. To visit our dear friend Chenoah, and to shoot! (no, not guns lol picture that for just a second haha)</div>
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We had been here once before when we were young; too young to really remember anything. So it was time to explore!</div>
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This was also an exciting weekend for me because Care borrowed me her film camera and I shot film for the first time. Needless to say, I. AM. HOOKED. Check out my very first ever film pictures below *me beaming*</div>
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Sidenote: there may have been a few accidental shots where I wasn't ready but my finger hit the button anyway lol</div>
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Carrie - "Steph, don't press the button in all the way." Steph - *presses it in all the way*</div>
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and voila; we have a dashboard photo hehe</div>
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Sassy Seagull<br />
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another accident<br />
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Stephanie Nicolehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03420543801568660140noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7781169229144641006.post-91325016197121961702016-04-12T23:52:00.000-05:002016-04-12T23:56:39.221-05:00SEESTER - a post about my most favourite<div style="background-color: white; color: #212121; font-family: arial; font-size: 10pt; padding: 0px; word-wrap: break-word;">
Sunday was National Sibling Day. </div>
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Yes, I realize I am late. But I've accepted that part of myself (for the most part) so let's forget that :) </div>
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I posted a picture of mine and Carrie's sister tattoos on facebook but I really couldn't say what I wanted to in a simple facebook post. So here's an entire blog post about this girl :D </div>
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For those of you that know her, you will understand why I need more space to say more things about her. She's not just a regular person.</div>
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Now this may seem ultra mushy, but it's just truth. I have never known anyone who inspires me as much as this girl. Not only does she continuously put others and their feelings first.. she is also always striving to better herself as a person. </div>
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She constantly has a new book on the go; whether it's to learn about herself or the Lord or feminism etc. She takes the parts that matter and applies them to her life. She pushes herself to do things that her personality and experiences have ingrained in her and taught her not to do, simply because she is aware that it's good for her, that it's a positive thing and that she needs to. </div>
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If she can do that, I mean.. that means I can too! For being the little sister, she sure has taught me more than I could ever imagine.</div>
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From the tangible things; such as camera functions, how to create a blog, the best way to hold your keys to do the most damage to a person, and that you can click 'Next' on most things when you're installing something on your computer ha</div>
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And then there are the emotional things; like the fact that I CAN say 'no' and I don't even have to explain myself, how and why feminism is a good good thing, that my art can be for me, and that she'll always be there.</div>
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I find that when I have a question about a belief or a spiritual matter or an existential crisis going on; I know that she's the person to hash it out with. Not only because she is wise beyond her years, but also because we think in almost exactly the same way.</div>
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There are so many times where we just finish each other sentences or feelings about things, even if we aren't in the same room. I often feel like we are twins, with a weird freaky sense about stuff. We are often even doing the same thing at the same time, despite the fact that she's over an hour way. </div>
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The late night hour or two hour long phone calls are my favourite. We do a lot of soul searching and realizing together, but we also do a LOT of laughing. We are really quite funny people.. not necessarily witty all the time... (depends if we slept or not.. thats a thing too ha) but man, so funny. haha</div>
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When we are not having quiet parties, which consist of us showing each other new music while I work on art and she works on pictures, we are out exploring Winnipeg or hanging out with her friends at some kind of festival or party. Our sister dates are the best. and I love that they sometimes include others; my Winnipeg family. <3</div>
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I can't wait until Alex is a bit older and we get to have girls dates together.. she is a lucky girl to have such a wonderful Aunt and it's going to be beautiful watching her grow up and learning that for herself.</div>
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Below I have posted some photos of us through the ages.. just ignore our hair phases :S haha so many of my best memories include her and they always will. </div>
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and yes, I realize there are like .. a lot of pictures, but as per my favourite piece of wisdom from Care "your blog, your rules".</div>
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My sister, my person. My best friend, my shrub. </div>
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Love you :)</div>
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ps. these aren't totally in order of our life lol </div>
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thank you to <a href="http://arianatennyson.com/" target="_blank">Ariana Tennyson</a> for these two pictures!<br />
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meeting her beautiful new niece for the first time <3</div>
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The Pregnancy Announcement </div>
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family vacations......</div>
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sportsing</div>
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Care, you look like Alex!</div>
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again.... family vacations...</div>
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when I was pregnant, she always touched my stomach.. so I did the same to her ha</div>
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Care's work in a gallery! proud sister and niece <3</div>
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meeting my sister for the first time hehe</div>
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Stephanie Nicolehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03420543801568660140noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7781169229144641006.post-17539583495881266272016-03-30T22:24:00.000-05:002016-03-31T12:24:29.341-05:00Music :)<div class="MsoNormal">
Music. <o:p></o:p></div>
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One of my favourite things, in
the world. <o:p></o:p></div>
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One song can change an attitude,
a day, a heart, a mind, a life. <o:p></o:p></div>
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I’ve always wanted to write
songs, but I just don’t seem to have that talent.. and so I love to sing
everyone else’s. There are so many that have had such a significant impact on
my life. Whether it was the lyrics, or where the music took me. . there is
nothing about music not to love. <o:p></o:p></div>
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Praise and Worship is a whole
‘nother category. The spiritual aspect really brings the music to life. A
living being. It moves through you and through others. We are all connected
through it and to the Father. Something so beautiful and holy it cannot be
described in words. <o:p></o:p></div>
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I used to be so afraid of singing
in front of people. It’s a pretty common fear, but it’s hard to have a fear of something
you love so much. A few years ago, I was
feeling like I should be on the Praise and Worship team at church, I knew they
needed people but I was like NOPE. That’s a hard no, God. He kept pressing, so
I told him that if someone from on the band heard me and asked me specifically
to be on the team, then I would. Now I said this knowing that there were no
opportunities for them to hear me, as I didn’t sing in public! So sneaky…. <o:p></o:p></div>
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God is sneakier. Lol <o:p></o:p></div>
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It just so happened that a
girlfriend of mine asked me to sing at her wedding. . at the same time that our
pastor (who was officiating the ceremony) was on the worship band for a short
period. He heard me sing at the wedding (honestly, I didn’t do great.. I was so
nervous and trying not to cry cuz she was walking down the aisle… put that
together and I would like a do-over lol) and told me I should sing on the
worship team. I laughed (so polite, I know.. sorry Pastor Tim). <o:p></o:p></div>
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Later, when I got home… I
remembered my Gideon-like promise to God. Awwwww *insert light curse word
here*. So I not-so-promptly signed up at church for an ‘audition’ to be on the
team. <o:p></o:p><br />
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The day of the audition came and
to be honest, I was so nervous that I actually considered taking an Advil,
because they usually make me feel pretty good. Maybe that wasn’t my finest
moment, but I resisted. I went and did
it on my own, with an incredibly shaky voice, and was signed on. <o:p></o:p></div>
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It’s been years since then, and
it’s taken me all of those years to feel the same kind of freedom when I
worship that I have in my own home, on the stage. And it’s still not quite
there.. I can get pretty dramatic in my living room. Alex thinks its hilarious
lol but I have never felt more free than I have this year. I can’t say enough
about those who have mentored me and encouraged me and pushed me a little
further out of my comfort zone, no.. a LOT further, then I wanted to be (ahem
Jeff and Ronnie) .. I am so thankful. <o:p></o:p></div>
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To be able to do the thing that I
love the most, to celebrate my Father. . with AMAZING musicians; I feel
extremely blessed. I’m hoping, and it is one of my deepest desires, that this
is the year that I completely and fully forget about the fact that people are
listening, and just worship fully. No matter where I am.<o:p></o:p></div>
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Thank you Jesus, for music. <o:p></o:p></div>
<br />Stephanie Nicolehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03420543801568660140noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7781169229144641006.post-43485489263214341862016-02-26T12:04:00.003-06:002016-02-26T12:08:08.361-06:00Purpose(s)<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white;">
Purpose<span style="font-size: 10.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt;">.
</span><span style="color: #222222; font-family: "arial" , "sans-serif"; line-height: 115%;">pur·pose</span></div>
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<i><span style="color: #222222; font-family: "arial" , "sans-serif"; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">noun</span></i></div>
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<span style="color: #222222; text-indent: -0.25in;"><span style="font-stretch: normal;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif;">1.</span></span><span style="font-family: "times new roman"; font-size: 7pt; font-stretch: normal;"> </span></span><span style="color: #222222; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; text-indent: -0.25in;">the reason for which something is done or created or for which
something exists.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; text-indent: -0.25in;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , sans-serif;">1. h</span></span><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; text-indent: -0.25in;">ave as one's intention or objective.</span></div>
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<span style="background: white; color: #222222; font-family: "arial" , "sans-serif";">My purpose in life. What is it? This is a pretty big
question. Sometimes I get overwhelmed by the fact that I need to be one thing
all the time. That I am a mother 24/7. I mean, I LOVE that I get to be a mommy.
So very, very much. It’s one of my favorite things in the whole world. But
sometimes, it is heavy. You fill yourself with ridiculous standards and
unreachable expectations. You get so involved with being the ‘best’ parent you
possibly can, that you try to do it the way everyone else is doing it all at
the same time and you exhaust yourself. And then suddenly, being a parent has
become tiring, and overwhelming. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="background: white; color: #222222; font-family: "arial" , "sans-serif";">So how can I combat this? I will never not be a mother again,
and I wouldn’t want it any other way.. but I want my energy, and my best for
her, to last. I don’t want to burn myself out. She deserves the best of me, all the
time. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="background: white; color: #222222; font-family: "arial" , "sans-serif";">I was thinking about this the other day and feeling
overwhelmed by the fact that I can’t be with her every minute of the day and
what is she all missing out on and etc. etc. and then I realized that, it’s
okay. I have more than one purpose. I have more than one calling. She needs to
know all the parts of me, not just the part that says “Be gentle, don’t eat
that, put that down, come here, let’s change your diaper, can I have a kiss?” <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="background: white; color: #222222; font-family: "arial" , "sans-serif";">Do I believe that when you are a mother/father, your main
purpose and your intense focus should be Mothering or Fathering? Yes. Not only
does that child deserve your attention, love, teaching and example because you
brought them into this world, but also their very life is essentially your responsibility.
There are so many reasons to make sure the bulk of your Being is invested in
your baby.. and there is nothing quite like that fierce love of a Mother or a
Father for their child. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="background: white; color: #222222; font-family: "arial" , "sans-serif";"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="background: white; color: #222222; font-family: "arial" , "sans-serif";">Do I believe that it’s easy to forget we have more than this
one purpose? Yes. You can get swept up in the duties and the diapers and the
naptimes and the tantrums and almost forget that anything else even happens in
this world. *this could apply to your job, your hobby, your partner.. anything. I'm a mom so this is my worldview* </span></div>
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<span style="background: white; color: #222222; font-family: "arial" , "sans-serif";">Now, this doesn’t have to be a negative thing. There is nothing
wrong with getting lost in your child’s world, because they need you there. Just make
sure you come up for air every once in a while. There are still others that
need you, or want to see you. You still have your own thoughts that need
thinking.. which is sometimes hard to even imagine that you could think
something other than; <i>she looks so sweet
when she’s sleeping</i> or <i>I can’t
believe we’ve read this book 2198657 times today</i> or <i>oh my gosh I don’t know how to teach you not to scream without
screaming myself.<o:p></o:p></i></span></div>
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<span style="background: white; color: #222222; font-family: "arial" , "sans-serif";">I think it’s easy for us to forget sometimes that we
even have other interests, other purposes. And this past year, I have been
finding that when I take the time to explore those, my mind is in a better
place. It’s expanded, it’s being used in a way other than trying to creatively
make mushrooms super fun to eat. (which doesn't work by the way) And it feels good! </span></div>
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<span style="background: white; color: #222222; font-family: "arial" , "sans-serif";">Now, don’t get me wrong..
my main goal is still that my girl feels loved at all times, is developing
well, eating properly (which includes a banana a day or else she refuses to go on)
and having a blast. However, I have more than just those goals. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="background: white; color: #222222; font-family: "arial" , "sans-serif";">It’s almost therapeutic to actually sit down and do something
that you just want to do because, well.. you want to! Once my baby goes to
sleep at night, sometimes I”ll take the evening to draw, or to watch Netflix..
or both at once! *sings* “You get the BEEEEESSSST of both worlds!”.(to those of
you who recognized the Hannah Montana theme song, you are my heroes). <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="background: white; color: #222222; font-family: "arial" , "sans-serif";">I think there is something to be said for taking the time for
yourself. Remember that you are a Mother or a Father, but you are <u>also</u> a
Wife, a Husband, a Sister, a Friend, a Photographer, an Artist, a Cook, a
Hockey Player, a Reader .. there are so many things that make up your Being. Things
that you have to do, things you love, things you want to try.. all of these are
you. All of these are important.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="background: white; color: #222222; font-family: "arial" , "sans-serif";">So remember to do them all. Don’t be overwhelmed by your main
purpose, don’t be overwhelmed by all the things you feel are necessities. Go
over your priorities, and sometimes you have to make some changes to them.
Maybe the dishes aren’t as important this Thursday as you thought.. maybe
playing a board game with your husband, or reading a book are more important.
Be aware of what you’re putting in to You. You’re important.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="background: white; color: #222222; font-family: "arial" , "sans-serif";">And the best part is, the more You that you are.. the better
Mother or Father that you are to your child. That alone is worth it.</span><o:p></o:p></div>
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Stephanie Nicolehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03420543801568660140noreply@blogger.com0