Not a Summary: Part 4

This is an email I sent to my friend. I want you to read it because I typed it without thinking about anyone reading it except her. It's just my thoughts. And although I strive to do that on my blog as well, this is somehow just a little different. 

“you wanna know what i'm just rippin mad about?? health. its ridiculous that almost every person in the world has a health problem! whether its chronic migraines, weak immune system, hypothyroidism, cancer, bad back, Lyme disease, iron deficiency etc.  It takes away from SO much its unreal. I will never be convinced that the Lord wants that for us. 

The reason I say this is because today, for the first time in WEEKS, I am so very excited to play with my baby girl after work. *ensue heart breaking guilt for the last few weeks here*. Normally, although i'm so so happy to see her and want to squish her and everything, I am just so tired mentally and physically that I hope she has a nap first so that i can recharge to play before bedtime, and sometimes not even that. How sad is that?! There is nothing glorious or holy about it. 

Yesterday we had praise and worship night at Fusion. and it was so moving. I haven't let go and just worshiped like that in a very long time. and all I did was tell God how I was feeling; disconnected and worried and thinking of me and how I would sound and asked Him to help me. thats it. and I was so very free. I sang and belted it out for over an hour and I was so full of peace. i STILL am! its lasting! because i'm continuing to practice resting and listening to worship music every spare moment (good thing alex loves it ha).

A friend and youth leader prayed over me for healing last night after the worship part and the swollen protrusion in my neck (which I assume was my thyroid) went down immediately. And today I feel tired but also energetic enough mentally that i want to play lots before alex goes to sleep! it is SUCH a good feeling, and alex will benefit so much to have a mama thats so engaged and I just... yeah. thank you Jesus. its so important to pray for someone when you feel you should. i'm going to go let her know thats what the prayer did. 

also, i realized at lunch, i haven't worried about my health or my health's future once today. And that is a record. :') God is good.”

I sent that email last week Tuesday. It is now the next week Wednesday, and I can’t wait to tell you how I’m feeling now. J I realize that most of my blogs revolve around the same-ish topic, but as my wise sister keeps telling me: “Steph, it’s YOUR blog. You get to write whatever you want. Cuz it’s YOURS”. Haha and she is very right. And it’s because of that, that I get to tell you how wonderful I am feeling. And just how I got this way.

My last week was pretty good. I was a lot less stressed, my neck stayed un-swollen and I felt more encouraged than I had in a long time. I would say it was a 90 degree turnaround from the last many weeks. And then, we had church.

Our pastor’s son was preaching and he spoke on many things, but the few that stuck with me were this. He said: You just can’t listen to the lies. So many times, that faith that moves mountains, well the mountains are in your mind. And the devil wants you to believe them because it derails you from your purpose. 

And I thought to myself; I wonder what I’ve all been derailed from with these illnesses?

He talked about Youth’s praise and worship night, and how a number of the kids/teens had been healed right then and there, simply because someone else prayed over them and he asked us: How many of you need healing for something? 

My hand shot up. Because I know, in the deepest part of my heart, that I truly believe all that I have learned; that my Father is a Healer. Despite what I feel, despite what I see every day and despite all the questions and doubt. I am confident of that.

He asked those of us who needed healing to come to the front and I went, along with so many other people. And he reminded us; the bible states that every good and perfect gift comes from the Father and so that means the Lord doesn’t subcontract the devil to place upon us disease/perversion of health. Never. Only GOOD and PERFECT gifts come from above.  He asked those who weren’t there to receive healing, to come up and pray over us and lay hands on and support us. They did, and we all prayed.

I stood there with my arms up and out, waiting to receive. . and I felt .. absolutely nothing. So many around me were saying they could feel themselves getting better immediately and I stood there and continued to feel absolutely nothing. Even while singing, I felt nothing. I almost always feel something while singing. It’s my connector, the place I most easily feel my Father’s presence.

But the preacher said; Don’t worry if you aren’t feeling anything. Yet. It’s coming.

And I decided he was right. Normally I am a pretty emotional, feel-ey kind of person, so I figured that’s probably part of this. I will not be derailed and I believe I have been healed.  I walked back to my seat and the service ended.. we went home; and really, the rest of the day went on as per normal and I still felt the same. 

The next morning… TO BE CONTINUED (really soon, this just got super long ha)

The Grace to Start Over, Again

I had my blood test and my neurologist appointment these last two weeks. I was especially nervous this time around. (I know, I say that more often) You know when you can just feel that something's not quite right with your body? That was me these last two weeks and so I was dreading what the appointment would bring.

I was supposed to have lost another five pounds, only I had gained seven. I was discouraged. I knew that I had done some overeating over Christmas but all in all I felt like I had done really well and was also going to the gym almost every day.

Now, since I often struggle with productivity and progress being my measurement for value, when the good productivity levels don't produce the same kind of progress levels, it feels like complete failure. So on top of not feeling like things were right physically (headaches, exhaustion, pressure in the head etc.) I was now stressing out because I wasn't measuring up to my own standards. Which only increases the physical symptoms of whatever you're currently dealing with, or creates new ones.

It's also been just mood swings, left and right. Just ask my husband. Haha He's a patient man. When I ask for prayer, he does so and then tells me it's okay to have these feelings. And that's exactly what I need. While I'm aware the feelings and thoughts are irrational, they still come. So I have been feeling them, and then working on leaving them behind. So far, for me, this has been a more successful method than just freaking out that I'm having them. :)

Over and over in the last two weeks I have been reminded what stress and worry does to the body and mind. And over and over I have not been able to squash either one of them. The day of the appointment was especially difficult. He stated that I need to lose 15 pounds by March 9^th, in order to stay off medication. (yipes!)

My mom and Alex had come with me so that was a good distraction and to be honest, it was a better result than I expected. He said that I “hadn't changed, or maaaaaybe got a liiiiitle better.” Direct quote there. Ha! That was slightly encouraging as I thought I may have gone backwards and it re-motivated me to try a little harder to kick that food addict back out.

And so I did. Worked a little harder at the gym, and watched my food portions. Still not choosing the healthy foods as often as I should, but definitely better than before. And... I gained two more pounds.

Then the call came from the doctor; blood test results were back. My thyroid, which had been progressing, was back to not working so good. This was discouraging for me. It felt like I went in reverse a bit. I just wanted everything to be better, you know?

BUT. I'm a silver lining kind of person, and just because I'm tired and it takes more effort to be positive, does not mean I'm going to let that change my core; who I am. And SO, it is wonderful to have an explanation for the difficulty I've had in losing the weight and for the exhaustion. I am reassured that I am not as lazy, or 'failing' as much as I thought.

Another thing I was reminded of these last two weeks is that if I just practice resting, being at peace, seeking the Father.. most things tend to just fall in to place. To me, this includes breaking an addiction, finding healing, and just feeling better overall. (as well as many other things).

So that's my new plan. Worry about the food less. Stress about headaches less. Think about the natural medical facts less & Pray more. Sing more. Be silent more. The more aware I can be of who I really am; strong and spiritual, the more I will see changes in the natural. This might sound a bit wonky, but I have seen it and felt it to be true in my own life as well as others. It's time to go back there.

You don't need to feel bad for all the second chances you are getting. That's not the point of Grace. Grace means you don't need to feel condemnation or guilt. Just peace.

And the courage to start again.

<3

Stop the Frenzy? Let's be Realistic

I'm just sitting down after a long, wonderful day. Is it over? Not even close. I still need to finish cleaning, finish a piece of art, and work on some spreadsheets. Yes, I realize that it's already 9pm and instead of doing any of those things, I'm writing a blog. :P

Normally, this would be because I am procrastinating doing anything. Because let's face it, that seems to be in my blood. But today, it's actually just because I'm having a good December right now and felt like sharing how I got to that point.

December is always insane. Every year, I tell myself we are going to keep things simple; plan less parties, promise to bring less baked goods and buy less presents. Every year, I do not do that.

Except, somewhat by accident, this year! We have three gatherings in January instead of December and that frees up some time and slows down the baking/cooking/dip making frenzy. This year, we shopped a little smarter, made a few more handmade things (simply because I wanted to) and proceeded to slow down the financial frenzy and up the personal touches :) Our Christmas parties have all been casual, slim on the decorating, and SO much fun with SO many amazing people. And we've just begun! This slowed down on the frenzy of getting ready (although I do enjoy that part, WHEN I HAVE THE TIME!) and the stress of being late and still only having some of my makeup done.

Our presents are all wrapped, under a Christmas tree that is already decorated - those of you that know me, know that that means my husband did it for me, as well as the wrapping. He is currently on holidays. God bless that man *insert tears of joy here*. I have tried to wrap many presents over the years and I wrapped Trav's this year. and let's just say.. I have not improved. Ever.

As I sit here in my clean living room, typing by the light of tree and feeling really good about the fact that I just had a workout and then got to snuggle my baby, I would say I feel pretty accomplished for this time of year.

Aaaaaaaand then I look up from this post and see the wrapping paper, bags, empty baby bottles, stack of things we are trying to sell and dirty dishes; all just in the kitchen! And I remember that I still have so many things to do today, and tomorrow and that I haven't stopped to rest today except for right now and the fact that Christmas is only 2 days away and I still have 2 presents to pick up and cookies to bake... etc. etc.

I suddenly don't feel so accomplished. I can feel the stress returning. My face muscles tighten, my stomach feels heavier and my brain actually feels like the pressure is increasing. Can we really even TRY to stop the frenzy that surrounds Christmas-time?

And you know what? I think the answer to that is, to a point, no. Realistically, we just have more things that need doing, making, buying, and places to be, at Christmas. Does this mean that I have to have a thousand thoughts per second and react physically in a negative way? Also no!

(Give me a moment here while I purposely relax my muscles and practice what I'm about to preach...)

I'm very glad we made a few decisions this year that helped tone things down a little, but other than that, it's still super busy, and super crazy. So, instead of worrying about everything, I'm going to focus on those moments that make this time of year my absolute FAVOURITE.

-Creating things, and buying things for people that I get to give to them, knowing they are going to be so excited to receive it, just fills me with joy. The process itself is something I find so fun (my husband, not so much; next year I'm going shopping alone lol) and then getting to give to someone is just the icing on the cake. Or would it be the cake? I don't actually understand that saying and I really don't like cake....

-Okay reigning it back in; I love that everywhere I go people are saying Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays and there's a feeling in the air as everyone gets in to the festive mood.

-THE CHRISTMAS CAROLS! <3 all day, every day, it's a Pentatonix Christmas at our house.

-I get to see so many loved ones who live so far away at this time of year and I can't express how much that means to me. <3

-And really, let's not forget the food. Ohhh the delicious food at this time of year. The traditional dinners, the dips, the Christmas baking, the Christmas coffeebreak we have at work EVERY SINGLE DAY. It's really quite amazing.

-And most of all, for me, the moments I get to spend with Alex. She's learning so many new words and tricks, becoming so interactive, that I just can't believe I get to be best friends with her :') I just spent about ten minutes on the rocking chair with her; giving her a bottle while she played with my fingers and my heart is just so happy. I can hardly wait to share her experiencing Christmas for the rest of my life.

Despite the fact that it's been a busy day and you may have so much on your mind, like I do, if you can (and you really really should) just put it all aside for a bit and focus on the people who matter, you will feel less frenzied. And you will remember to enjoy everything that's happening instead.

Thank you Jesus, for blessing me with my family and for what you've done to get us here. I love you!

May you all have a very Merry Christmas (or Happy Holidays) and be able to rest in the spirit of family, friends and, I hope, insane Joy :D

Love & Grief

It's been awhile. I have no excuse. Just no inspiration ... I will apologize in advance for the length, but it's really not one I know how to shorten.

 

It's been a bit of a tough November/December. Some of the regular things; struggling not to overeat, wondering if I'm doing a good enough job parenting, feeling stressed, making myself too busy (hence the stress). All of these are self inflicted problems and there are times when my perspective is changed and I remember that.

One of those times was a life-altering string of moments that started on November 12th. My Grandpa passed away. </3 Oh how I miss him already.

 

It was somewhat expected, very peaceful and with his wife and all of his kids by his side. But it was still so rough. I've been very fortunate and I've never had to experience the grief of losing a loved one whom I was close to before, so this was a new emotion for me. Your body and brain do a really good job of taking you through the grieving process, so make sure you let them. I have learned that grief makes no sense and, in this case anyways, it is not a constant companion but rather one that strikes you at random. Like, when I was going through my list of who gets a Christmas card this year and I had to take Grandpa off the list. Or while driving to Ang's Pizza, I am hit with a memory of when I was a child and remembering the first time I realized my Grandpa's sense of humor was awesome and promptly burst into tears. In between these moments however; it just feels like he's still here, and that I'll get to go visit in a couple of days, you know?

 

In the last year and a half, my grandpa had been diagnosed with Temporal Cell Arteritis, causing a sudden permanent loss of vision in one eye, as well as Vascular Dementia and we slowly noticed a decline in his clarity. My uncle described it well; it's like a filing cabinet. All the information in the folders is still there, but it's as if someone knocked the cabinet over, so they are all mixed up.

 

At times he would know who I was, but not my name. Other times, he would know my name but not quite remember why he knew me. I'm sure there are so many of you who can relate to this, and for that I'm sorry. As a granddaughter it made sad and I can only imagine the depth of the emotion it stirred in his kids and my Grandma.

 

However, one of the really amazing parts in all of this, was that whenever I would bring my baby girl there.. he would be almost completely clear. To be fair, he always thought she was a boy and the fact that I named her Alex didn't help haha Maybe even caused it!

 Our conversation went like this: Me - 'Grandpa, he is actually a she.' Grandpa - 'she's a girl??' Me - 'Yes, even though her name is a boys name, she's a girl' Grandpa - 'oh boy. well, I'll just call her mine'  :')

But he knew he loved her and his sentences were clear and understandable every time he was with her.  Right up until 2 weeks before he passed away, they were still having a hoot together; playing soccer and giving kisses. It meant the world to me. And, in typical Grandpa fashion (this never changed) as soon as she would cry, he would tell us we could go home. haha!

One other amazing part of this time in my life, is the people around us. I didn't even think about what to expect in this area, but I have never seen or felt such an outpouring of love from so many of those who I know and even those who I don't. So many cards, flowers, prayers, kind words and hugs. It was absolutely overwhelming in such a beautiful way. Thank you. People need people, and you know what? That's a good thing.

 

Watching my Grandparents together was possibly the best and most painful part. It took my breath away. He was always looking for her and when sitting in his wheelchair and with her standing beside, he would hold on to her hand or finger. She sat beside his bed and held his hand, even when he couldn't open his eyes because she knew that he could feel it. This is love in one of it's purest forms and I will forever look to that as my inspiration.

 

I miss him. I miss his little chuckle, his cute face, the way he sang Johnny Cash to Alex, the way he and Grandma love each other, the way he sat at the window and waited when he knew we were coming, his jokes, his teasing and the face he made after because he knew there would be a retaliation and he loved that, and the fact that our center in our family is no longer complete. I miss him.

 

My sister put it really well. She said; although there is now a gaping hole in our family, it is a beautiful privilege to say good-bye to someone who lived such a full life. :')

 

We love you Grandpa, and we can't wait to see you again.

Slow It Down

The last couple of weeks (years) I have found myself rushing. And I mean everywhere, all the time.

I’ve always been the kind of person to leave everything until the last minute. Hence, the rushing. Throughout these last two years I have come to learn why I do this.

I am a perfectionist. I am afraid of failure, of not measuring up. I feel that my self worth is somehow tied up in my successes and my ‘perfection’. And thus, the procrastination. The stress of trying to do everything perfectly, create and apply and finish; perfectly. . is just too much. So I put it off as long as possible, until I have no choice but to do it immediately.

Now, this has made me REALLY good at doing things under pressure, under a deadline, and super quickly. But I don’t know how much of a pro that really is. This makes for constant rushing; which leads to constant stress.

No matter how hard you try, if this is the way you live, that stress will seep into every single area of your life. Your home, your marriage, your kids, your relationships, your job… and everyone then needs a way to de-stress, to cope. Mine is to eat. THIS IS NOT OKAY. It’s also the need to do mindless things alone, until 3am, like watching Netflix. THIS IS ALSO NOT OKAY. I mean of course, we all need a good Netflix binge, but not every night….

So now that I am aware of why I do it, and what it does to me.. I need to change it. Awareness is really good, I am all for awareness. It’s so important. However, if you do nothing about what you are now aware of, well, obviously nothing will change. And I don’t know about you, but I love the idea of being stress-free and not rushed. At peace.

For those of you who believe and have a relationship with Jesus; a really really good way to slow things down is to be intentional with your relationship with Him. And I don’t mean that you have to sit down every day and be silent for an hour (although that would probably be REALLY beneficial so I do encourage it, I myself have not done that :S) just be intentional about telling Him how you are feeling at any given point in the day. Read the verse of the day and try to think of it during your work. Ask the Lord to put someone in your path who you need to listen to, hug or speak life to. It’s amazing what that does. Your whole day will be different; and by different, I mean better!

Another thing I have started to do, is to just practice relaxing my body. Start at the tip of your head and go down. Purposely relax your forehead, your nose, mouth, shoulders, hips, legs, and feet until you are like a noodle. It really shows you just how tense you are being; do this throughout the day as well!

And lastly, but not in any way the least, DO NOT PUT YOUR SELF WORTH IN YOUR LEVEL OF PRODUCTIVITY, PERFECTION, OR SUCCESS.

Besides, who even decided what is perfect or what is successful anyways? Nobody knows, so don’t try to prove yourself to Nobody, it’s just senseless. Trust me, I know this because I’ve wasted too much time doing just that!

I love me. I am pretty awesome; when I’m not forgetting my kids mittens or getting mad at my husband for no good reason. And all those other ‘flaws’ that I have? I have a load of people who love me no matter what, and will help me work on always being better. And in this case, being a better human means deciding my self worth is tied to how God views me. He says He views me just like His Son. And that’s pretty perfect.

<3

No Longer Risking It

This morning, was one beautiful morning. *insert beaming grin here*

I went in for my neurologist appointment – leaving at 630am with a 1 year old went surprisingly well – in the city today. I had been having a LOT less eye symptoms and feeling less pressure in my head in general. Still a few wooshes at night in my ears, but I was feeling pretty positive!

My optha-neurologist is just amazing, let’s first say that. He is so caring and encouraging, while never sugar coating the truth for me. And today, for the first time, I did not hear the words “this is risky” or “even though to continue this way is dangerous..” I only heard these beautiful words: “Oh wow, this is good.. see? This is what happens when I have a reliable patient and you listen to me, I will only need to see you every other month.. come back at the end of the year”

Wooooo! To further sweeten the morning, I asked him how far I had come and he stated that I am 75% healed!!!!! You guys, that’s only 25% left! I have almost cried with joy all day long.

The hard part, the scary part, the risky part, the you-could-lose-your-vision part.. is GONE. DONE. This is almost as exciting as a clean bill of health :)

In another 8 pounds, I will have hit his goal for me weight-wise, and I believe that at the end of December, I will hear the words that I no longer have Idiopathic Intracranial Hypertension.

I would like to lose another ten pounds on top of his goal so that I am no longer overweight and would be in a healthy position for everything. I have not treated this like a crazy regime which I will quit once I hit the goal; but rather, I have just been eating things that are better for me (sometimes), eating smaller portions, and going for more walks than I usually do. I don’t want this to be a phase, I don’t want this to be something I did only for this cause, I want it to be my lifestyle.. so I have tried to keep it realistic. Let's face it, I just really enjoy eating. :)

I am not a person who can cut out sugar or gluten or chips completely, and I am not a person (yet.. anything can happen. Well anything other than cutting out the delicious aforementioned foods) who likes to go to the gym and work out like crazy. Has it been slower this way? Yes. However, it will be lasting and my Loving Father has protected me on the way. I cannot express my gratefulness enough :’)

So, I’m going to end with a quote that I read the other day that really really resonated with me, because I’m usually an All-or-Nothing kind of gal. It goes:

'Sometimes you fall off the wagon for months. Sometimes you tell yourself you're gonna start fresh on Monday and by Wednesday you've already fallen back off. Sometimes you have to restart a hundred times and it's frustrating. But it will be okay. You can do this. One day at a time' :)

Love you guys!

Evicting the Food Addict in Me

This morning was a huge victory for me :)

As of today, I have lost a total of 20 pounds. 20 pounds! This may seem like a little or like a lot to some of you; but to me, it is a lot! Honestly, even ten pounds ago I didn’t feel like this was possible.

This means I am already ¾’s of the way to my neurologist’s goal for me, and halfway-ish to my own personal goal. I say ish because the number shouldn’t dictate how I feel about myself during this process or at the end.

I am feeling very happy, super proud of myself, and quite motivated not to do too much damage at the thanksgiving potluck at work today haha

It has taken me about 3 months to lose this weight and it has not been easy. To say I have had a problem with food would be accurate. I will not call myself a food addict any longer, because it’s no longer the Truth. However, to say I was one and that I definitely still have to fight the lingering lies and thoughts from that lifestyle, is a fact.

Now, being addicted to food is different than some other substances because you can’t quit cold turkey. You need the food to survive. I’m not saying this makes it harder or easier; just different. In order to live a healthy life, I have to put thought into what I’m eating, when and how much.

As a food addict, my thought process went a little something like this:

*Eats breakfast.* When’s lunch? *Eats lunch* When’s supper? *Eats Supper.* Ooo what should have for an evening snack?

I want to eat out.   *After just eating out*

Trav’s not home, I should quickly eat some popcorn and chocolate chips so he doesn’t see me do it

I don’t want to eat out, people will see a fat girl at McDonald’s and think they know me, but I have to have it

Hmm, I’ll be on the road for a few hours.. what if I get hungry? *panics* I have to bring something with.

I’ve been so good eating-wise for two days, I deserve a bag of chips

I’m sad, I’m going to eat

I’m mad, I’m going to eat

I need to celebrate, I’m going to eat

So many thoughts… always. Talk about being consumed. But then, that’s what addiction does. Consumes you. It’s embarrassing to type those thoughts out, but that’s what my life was. I’ve always tried to work out or eat better in between and sometimes I would make progress, but I would always backslide.

Even with this terrible lifestyle, I still never really went more than about 20 pounds overweight. Add hypothyroidism and BAM. Suddenly I’m considered obese. Things are so much different when you have so much stomach in the way. You sit different, you shave your legs different, your clothes obviously don’t fit anymore, you lose your energy, and often some confidence.

I don’t want to be that person anymore. I also don’t want to be someone who’s obsessed with her weight. Thanks to the thyroid pills and to a new-found attitude (being, don’t gain weight or you’ll lose your vision) I’ve been making progress! It’s a bit harder not to focus on the number when the number (at this point; due to the Intracranial Hypertension) is literally a direct relation to possibly losing your eyesight. However, because I’ve had to focus on my health too and going for walks to increase the weight loss.. I’ve been able to not need the sweets or the chips so badly. This does not mean that my plan when I hit my target weight isn’t to eat a small bag of chips. Haha I’m holding out for that :)

It’s been quite a journey to say no to the McDonald’s, to the ‘reward’ food, and to the evening snacks if I’m not hungry. Having one sip of coke as opposed to a whole can is definitely not what I want to do. I don’t always succeed.. but I do succeed more times than not. Watching the number on the scale creep down has helped, but is definitely not enough to keep me on the path. The support I have felt from my husband, however; has been a huge factor. He’s always so encouraging, so excited for me when I hit a new goal and makes me feel beautiful and attractive no matter what the scale or the lies are telling me. My friends and family have been an amazing sound board and encouragement too. Throw in some Praise and Worship when I’m struggling, and that’s a pretty great support system!

Thanks for listening everyone, now go and have a great thanksgiving without eating yourself into a food coma ;)

Before and During: