SEESTER - a post about my most favourite

Sunday was National Sibling Day. 

Yes, I realize I am late. But I've accepted that part of myself (for the most part) so let's forget that :) 

I posted a picture of mine and Carrie's sister tattoos on facebook but I really couldn't say what I wanted to in a simple facebook post. So here's an entire blog post about this girl :D 

For those of you that know her, you will understand why I need more space to say more things about her. She's not just a regular person.

Now this may seem ultra mushy, but it's just truth. I have never known anyone who inspires me as much as this girl. Not only does she continuously put others and their feelings first.. she is also always striving to better herself as a person. 

She constantly has a new book on the go; whether it's to learn about herself or the Lord or feminism etc. She takes the parts that matter and applies them to her life. She pushes herself to do things that her personality and experiences have ingrained in her and taught her not to do, simply because she is aware that it's good for her, that it's a positive thing and that she needs to. 

If she can do that, I mean.. that means I can too! For being the little sister, she sure has taught me more than I could ever imagine.

From the tangible things; such as camera functions, how to create a blog, the best way to hold your keys to do the most damage to a person, and that you can click 'Next' on most things when you're installing something on your computer ha

And then there are the emotional things; like the fact that I CAN say 'no' and I don't even have to explain myself, how and why feminism is a good good thing, that my art can be for me, and that she'll always be there.

I find that when I have a question about a belief or a spiritual matter or an existential crisis going on; I know that she's the person to hash it out with. Not only because she is wise beyond her years, but also because we think in almost exactly the same way.

There are so many times where we just finish each other sentences or feelings about things, even if we aren't in the same room. I often feel like we are twins, with a weird freaky sense about stuff. We are often even doing the same thing at the same time, despite the fact that she's over an hour way. 

The late night hour or two hour long phone calls are my favourite. We do a lot of soul searching and realizing together, but we also do a LOT of laughing. We are really quite funny people.. not necessarily witty all the time... (depends if we slept or not.. thats a thing too ha) but man, so funny. haha

When we are not having quiet parties, which consist of us showing each other new music while I work on art and she works on pictures, we are out exploring Winnipeg or hanging out with her friends at some kind of festival or party. Our sister dates are the best. and I love that they sometimes include others; my Winnipeg family. <3

I can't wait until Alex is a bit older and we get to have girls dates together.. she is a lucky girl to have such a wonderful Aunt and it's going to be beautiful watching her grow up and learning that for herself.

Below I have posted some photos of us through the ages.. just ignore our hair phases :S haha so many of my best memories include her and they always will. 

and yes, I realize there are like .. a lot of pictures, but as per my favourite piece of wisdom from Care "your blog, your rules".

My sister, my person. My best friend, my shrub. 

Love you :)

ps. these aren't totally in order of our life lol 

                                   
                                           thank you to Ariana Tennyson for these two pictures!

meeting her beautiful new niece for the first time <3

The Pregnancy Announcement 

family vacations......

sportsing

Care, you look like Alex!

again.... family vacations...

when I was pregnant, she always touched my stomach.. so I did the same to her ha

Care's work in a gallery! proud sister and niece <3

meeting my sister for the first time hehe

Music :)

Music.

One of my favourite things, in the world.

One song can change an attitude, a day, a heart, a mind, a life.

I’ve always wanted to write songs, but I just don’t seem to have that talent.. and so I love to sing everyone else’s. There are so many that have had such a significant impact on my life. Whether it was the lyrics, or where the music took me. . there is nothing about music not to love.

Praise and Worship is a whole ‘nother category. The spiritual aspect really brings the music to life. A living being. It moves through you and through others. We are all connected through it and to the Father. Something so beautiful and holy it cannot be described in words.

I used to be so afraid of singing in front of people. It’s a pretty common fear, but it’s hard to have a fear of something you love so much.  A few years ago, I was feeling like I should be on the Praise and Worship team at church, I knew they needed people but I was like NOPE. That’s a hard no, God. He kept pressing, so I told him that if someone from on the band heard me and asked me specifically to be on the team, then I would. Now I said this knowing that there were no opportunities for them to hear me, as I didn’t sing in public! So sneaky….

God is sneakier.  Lol

It just so happened that a girlfriend of mine asked me to sing at her wedding. . at the same time that our pastor (who was officiating the ceremony) was on the worship band for a short period. He heard me sing at the wedding (honestly, I didn’t do great.. I was so nervous and trying not to cry cuz she was walking down the aisle… put that together and I would like a do-over lol) and told me I should sing on the worship team. I laughed (so polite, I know.. sorry Pastor Tim).

Later, when I got home… I remembered my Gideon-like promise to God. Awwwww *insert light curse word here*. So I not-so-promptly signed up at church for an ‘audition’ to be on the team.

The day of the audition came and to be honest, I was so nervous that I actually considered taking an Advil, because they usually make me feel pretty good. Maybe that wasn’t my finest moment, but I resisted.  I went and did it on my own, with an incredibly shaky voice, and was signed on.

It’s been years since then, and it’s taken me all of those years to feel the same kind of freedom when I worship that I have in my own home, on the stage. And it’s still not quite there.. I can get pretty dramatic in my living room. Alex thinks its hilarious lol but I have never felt more free than I have this year. I can’t say enough about those who have mentored me and encouraged me and pushed me a little further out of my comfort zone, no.. a LOT further, then I wanted to be (ahem Jeff and Ronnie) .. I am so thankful.

To be able to do the thing that I love the most, to celebrate my Father. . with AMAZING musicians; I feel extremely blessed. I’m hoping, and it is one of my deepest desires, that this is the year that I completely and fully forget about the fact that people are listening, and just worship fully. No matter where I am.

Thank you Jesus, for music. 

Purpose(s)

Purpose.  pur·pose

noun

1. the reason for which something is done or created or for which something exists.

1. have as one's intention or objective.

My purpose in life. What is it? This is a pretty big question. Sometimes I get overwhelmed by the fact that I need to be one thing all the time. That I am a mother 24/7. I mean, I LOVE that I get to be a mommy. So very, very much. It’s one of my favorite things in the whole world. But sometimes, it is heavy. You fill yourself with ridiculous standards and unreachable expectations. You get so involved with being the ‘best’ parent you possibly can, that you try to do it the way everyone else is doing it all at the same time and you exhaust yourself. And then suddenly, being a parent has become tiring, and overwhelming.

So how can I combat this? I will never not be a mother again, and I wouldn’t want it any other way.. but I want my energy, and my best for her, to last. I don’t want to burn myself out. She deserves the best of me, all the time.

I was thinking about this the other day and feeling overwhelmed by the fact that I can’t be with her every minute of the day and what is she all missing out on and etc. etc. and then I realized that, it’s okay. I have more than one purpose. I have more than one calling. She needs to know all the parts of me, not just the part that says “Be gentle, don’t eat that, put that down, come here, let’s change your diaper, can I have a kiss?”

Do I believe that when you are a mother/father, your main purpose and your intense focus should be Mothering or Fathering? Yes. Not only does that child deserve your attention, love, teaching and example because you brought them into this world, but also their very life is essentially your responsibility. There are so many reasons to make sure the bulk of your Being is invested in your baby.. and there is nothing quite like that fierce love of a Mother or a Father for their child.

Do I believe that it’s easy to forget we have more than this one purpose? Yes. You can get swept up in the duties and the diapers and the naptimes and the tantrums and almost forget that anything else even happens in this world. *this could apply to your job, your hobby, your partner.. anything. I'm a mom so this is my worldview* 

Now, this doesn’t have to be a negative thing. There is nothing wrong with getting lost in your child’s world, because they need you there. Just make sure you come up for air every once in a while. There are still others that need you, or want to see you. You still have your own thoughts that need thinking.. which is sometimes hard to even imagine that you could think something other than; she looks so sweet when she’s sleeping or I can’t believe we’ve read this book 2198657 times today or oh my gosh I don’t know how to teach you not to scream without screaming myself.

I think it’s easy for us to forget sometimes that we even have other interests, other purposes. And this past year, I have been finding that when I take the time to explore those, my mind is in a better place. It’s expanded, it’s being used in a way other than trying to creatively make mushrooms super fun to eat. (which doesn't work by the way) And it feels good! 

Now, don’t get me wrong.. my main goal is still that my girl feels loved at all times, is developing well, eating properly (which includes a banana a day or else she refuses to go on) and having a blast. However, I have more than just those goals.

It’s almost therapeutic to actually sit down and do something that you just want to do because, well.. you want to! Once my baby goes to sleep at night, sometimes I”ll take the evening to draw, or to watch Netflix.. or both at once! *sings* “You get the BEEEEESSSST of both worlds!”.(to those of you who recognized the Hannah Montana theme song, you are my heroes).

I think there is something to be said for taking the time for yourself. Remember that you are a Mother or a Father, but you are also a Wife, a Husband, a Sister, a Friend, a Photographer, an Artist, a Cook, a Hockey Player, a Reader .. there are so many things that make up your Being. Things that you have to do, things you love, things you want to try.. all of these are you. All of these are important.

So remember to do them all. Don’t be overwhelmed by your main purpose, don’t be overwhelmed by all the things you feel are necessities. Go over your priorities, and sometimes you have to make some changes to them. Maybe the dishes aren’t as important this Thursday as you thought.. maybe playing a board game with your husband, or reading a book are more important. Be aware of what you’re putting in to You. You’re important.

And the best part is, the more You that you are.. the better Mother or Father that you are to your child. That alone is worth it.

<3

My Heartbeat

Teamwork.

Teamwork in marriage. It doesn’t always mean what you think it does. It’s not always when the two of you are working, side by side.

In marriage (or any kind of relationship really),  sometimes the one person can’t give. Can’t work. And that’s ok. That’s one of the reasons why there are two of you.

Does this mean it should stay like this forever? No, of course not.. and if it’s heading there, then maybe different help is required. But for some things; when one is weak, the other is strong. And vice versa.

I think this is simultaneously my favorite and least favorite part about marriage.

Because it’s hard to be the strong one. It starts out with good intentions. You want them to thrive and to be happy, so of course you will do anything possible to help. But eventually you get tired, and you want to feel loved like you did before, and maybe you are hurt and don’t even want to help anymore. But I encourage you; stick it out. (if its not toxic or unsafe). Because if both parties are doing their best, it WON’T last forever. And things will get brighter, and you will feel loved.

And then the tables will turn. And you will need help. And you will desperately want your partner to stick it out. Just like you did.  You need them to understand that you’re not yourself right now and to remember who you really are. Even when you forget for a little while. It might be a physical aide or an emotional aide. Or both! Either way, you will need them to be more than they’ve ever been.

And THAT is teamwork. That is love. That is beauty and sacrifice.

And it is SO worth it.

Because the days where you are both strong and you are both healthy, they are a whole other kind of beautiful. Since you have both learned to sacrifice for one another, you have a new depth to your love. And everything is just a little bit brighter, a little bit sexier, and whole lot more fun.

Guys, marriage.. it can really rock. :D

<3

Ps. Thank you husband, for teaching and showing me these things. You are the best.

Not a Summary: Part 5 (or 2)

The next morning (this Monday) I woke up and got Alex and I ready and halfway through breakfast I realized something felt different. I couldn’t pinpoint it exactly but I just felt.. happy! And excited for the day and how good everything was! Wooooooo! Alex and I had a blast together and then I headed to work.

Halfway through my 5 hour work day, I realized HEY! I haven’t had a headache at all today! Come to think of it, my whole entire head feels AMAZING! There is no pressure, there is no wooshing in my ears, I can even HEAR clearly!! Everything sounds so different!! And then it hit me; I was healed. I AM healed!! It was real!! I’m trying not to sob as I type this right now actually. Hahaha I spent almost every half hour that day thanking God and re-feeling how amazing I felt. I don’t know how to describe it. I felt like .. ME. I was happy, I was bubbly, I was laughing and looking forward to every moment of my day! Just like I used to :’) Oh how I had missed me. I can only wonder how many people have noticed that I’ve not been myself. . and isn’t that just truly fascinating? Talk about being derailed. From being my own person!

Now, fast forward to yesterday. Wednesday morning.. I felt a little something in my head. And panic reared. No, I thought to myself, it’s just nothing. ‘Normal’ people feel random stuff too, I’m sure.

Unfortunately, it wasn’t just once. Throughout the day, it got significantly worse. The pressure came back, the exhaustion set in, the excitement at every part of my day left, and I even started to see small flashes of light.. just like in the beginning of this journey.

How can this be? I’ve been healed, I even FELT it this time, it was not just a confession.

On top of all that, I’m still almost 20 pounds lighter from where I was in the beginning, as well as on thyroid pills! The discouragement would come in waves. I tried so hard to hold on to the feelings of the day before, but they just felt like a memory. It was getting harder to remember the Truth. I turned on my praise and worship and told God that I had believed. That I wanted that to stay. And I heard nothing from Him. But I started to feel my strength returning. I wanted my health to STAY. It has no right to leave me, or to be taken from me.

Shortly after, I headed out for coffee with a friend and we had such a lovely time that I managed to forget for a while, and then it returned full force when the pressure and rushing in my head came stronger then before and it didn’t go away when I stood up. It just continued, I couldn’t hear well at all out of that ear and I told her about it and tried not to freak out. I told her I was mad cuz I had been healed and she said well, you know that. So keep it. And then I remember; oh yeah.. I’m not alone. I’m not the only one whose been praying or who believes as I do. There is just something about having that kind of support that immediately makes you feel like it’s possible again.

I agreed with her and then I remembered; I was so happy yesterday, that I wanted to make sure everyone knew that Jesus did it. So I told someone, and I was so excited. And she was like; and that is the power of prayer. Yes, yes it is! Interestingly enough, I think that’s when things started to change. Which to me, then means, that this actually has nothing to do with me being healed or not. It only proves to me that I am. No way, after I tell someone my testimony, was this going to be the way things go. And I felt peace.

I thanked God for healing me and for my friends and family who have been so amazing and supportive and I told Him that I still wanted to FEEL the change and experience the healing, not just confess and believe it. Because I knew, that just because I told someone He did this wonderful thing, doesn’t mean the enemy can come back and steal my health again, my joy and DEFINITELY not my belief.

I didn’t get better immediately but I went to bed feeling good on the inside. My heart was at peace.

And this morning…. I’M BAAAAACK. Yes, I sang that. Lol I think I’m annoying my co-workers with my extra happiness today hahaha I feel amazing, I feel clear, I can hear properly, I am looking forward to everything! To working, to cooking supper (well that’s on the fence maybe hehe), to playing with my baby girl, to cleaning my house! I can’t wait to hug my husband and share how my today is going with him :’)

Despite what we often feel, see, hear, learn, experience or have been told… we have to have that confidence. When you know that you know what you know.. so many things can change. And it really has nothing to do with us! We are just finally trusting like a small child; faith. And that is when those mountains can move. Metaphorical, physical or the ones in your mind. 

All things are possible.

<3

Not a Summary: Part 4

This is an email I sent to my friend. I want you to read it because I typed it without thinking about anyone reading it except her. It's just my thoughts. And although I strive to do that on my blog as well, this is somehow just a little different. 

“you wanna know what i'm just rippin mad about?? health. its ridiculous that almost every person in the world has a health problem! whether its chronic migraines, weak immune system, hypothyroidism, cancer, bad back, Lyme disease, iron deficiency etc.  It takes away from SO much its unreal. I will never be convinced that the Lord wants that for us. 

The reason I say this is because today, for the first time in WEEKS, I am so very excited to play with my baby girl after work. *ensue heart breaking guilt for the last few weeks here*. Normally, although i'm so so happy to see her and want to squish her and everything, I am just so tired mentally and physically that I hope she has a nap first so that i can recharge to play before bedtime, and sometimes not even that. How sad is that?! There is nothing glorious or holy about it. 

Yesterday we had praise and worship night at Fusion. and it was so moving. I haven't let go and just worshiped like that in a very long time. and all I did was tell God how I was feeling; disconnected and worried and thinking of me and how I would sound and asked Him to help me. thats it. and I was so very free. I sang and belted it out for over an hour and I was so full of peace. i STILL am! its lasting! because i'm continuing to practice resting and listening to worship music every spare moment (good thing alex loves it ha).

A friend and youth leader prayed over me for healing last night after the worship part and the swollen protrusion in my neck (which I assume was my thyroid) went down immediately. And today I feel tired but also energetic enough mentally that i want to play lots before alex goes to sleep! it is SUCH a good feeling, and alex will benefit so much to have a mama thats so engaged and I just... yeah. thank you Jesus. its so important to pray for someone when you feel you should. i'm going to go let her know thats what the prayer did. 

also, i realized at lunch, i haven't worried about my health or my health's future once today. And that is a record. :') God is good.”

I sent that email last week Tuesday. It is now the next week Wednesday, and I can’t wait to tell you how I’m feeling now. J I realize that most of my blogs revolve around the same-ish topic, but as my wise sister keeps telling me: “Steph, it’s YOUR blog. You get to write whatever you want. Cuz it’s YOURS”. Haha and she is very right. And it’s because of that, that I get to tell you how wonderful I am feeling. And just how I got this way.

My last week was pretty good. I was a lot less stressed, my neck stayed un-swollen and I felt more encouraged than I had in a long time. I would say it was a 90 degree turnaround from the last many weeks. And then, we had church.

Our pastor’s son was preaching and he spoke on many things, but the few that stuck with me were this. He said: You just can’t listen to the lies. So many times, that faith that moves mountains, well the mountains are in your mind. And the devil wants you to believe them because it derails you from your purpose. 

And I thought to myself; I wonder what I’ve all been derailed from with these illnesses?

He talked about Youth’s praise and worship night, and how a number of the kids/teens had been healed right then and there, simply because someone else prayed over them and he asked us: How many of you need healing for something? 

My hand shot up. Because I know, in the deepest part of my heart, that I truly believe all that I have learned; that my Father is a Healer. Despite what I feel, despite what I see every day and despite all the questions and doubt. I am confident of that.

He asked those of us who needed healing to come to the front and I went, along with so many other people. And he reminded us; the bible states that every good and perfect gift comes from the Father and so that means the Lord doesn’t subcontract the devil to place upon us disease/perversion of health. Never. Only GOOD and PERFECT gifts come from above.  He asked those who weren’t there to receive healing, to come up and pray over us and lay hands on and support us. They did, and we all prayed.

I stood there with my arms up and out, waiting to receive. . and I felt .. absolutely nothing. So many around me were saying they could feel themselves getting better immediately and I stood there and continued to feel absolutely nothing. Even while singing, I felt nothing. I almost always feel something while singing. It’s my connector, the place I most easily feel my Father’s presence.

But the preacher said; Don’t worry if you aren’t feeling anything. Yet. It’s coming.

And I decided he was right. Normally I am a pretty emotional, feel-ey kind of person, so I figured that’s probably part of this. I will not be derailed and I believe I have been healed.  I walked back to my seat and the service ended.. we went home; and really, the rest of the day went on as per normal and I still felt the same. 

The next morning… TO BE CONTINUED (really soon, this just got super long ha)

The Grace to Start Over, Again

I had my blood test and my neurologist appointment these last two weeks. I was especially nervous this time around. (I know, I say that more often) You know when you can just feel that something's not quite right with your body? That was me these last two weeks and so I was dreading what the appointment would bring.

I was supposed to have lost another five pounds, only I had gained seven. I was discouraged. I knew that I had done some overeating over Christmas but all in all I felt like I had done really well and was also going to the gym almost every day.

Now, since I often struggle with productivity and progress being my measurement for value, when the good productivity levels don't produce the same kind of progress levels, it feels like complete failure. So on top of not feeling like things were right physically (headaches, exhaustion, pressure in the head etc.) I was now stressing out because I wasn't measuring up to my own standards. Which only increases the physical symptoms of whatever you're currently dealing with, or creates new ones.

It's also been just mood swings, left and right. Just ask my husband. Haha He's a patient man. When I ask for prayer, he does so and then tells me it's okay to have these feelings. And that's exactly what I need. While I'm aware the feelings and thoughts are irrational, they still come. So I have been feeling them, and then working on leaving them behind. So far, for me, this has been a more successful method than just freaking out that I'm having them. :)

Over and over in the last two weeks I have been reminded what stress and worry does to the body and mind. And over and over I have not been able to squash either one of them. The day of the appointment was especially difficult. He stated that I need to lose 15 pounds by March 9^th, in order to stay off medication. (yipes!)

My mom and Alex had come with me so that was a good distraction and to be honest, it was a better result than I expected. He said that I “hadn't changed, or maaaaaybe got a liiiiitle better.” Direct quote there. Ha! That was slightly encouraging as I thought I may have gone backwards and it re-motivated me to try a little harder to kick that food addict back out.

And so I did. Worked a little harder at the gym, and watched my food portions. Still not choosing the healthy foods as often as I should, but definitely better than before. And... I gained two more pounds.

Then the call came from the doctor; blood test results were back. My thyroid, which had been progressing, was back to not working so good. This was discouraging for me. It felt like I went in reverse a bit. I just wanted everything to be better, you know?

BUT. I'm a silver lining kind of person, and just because I'm tired and it takes more effort to be positive, does not mean I'm going to let that change my core; who I am. And SO, it is wonderful to have an explanation for the difficulty I've had in losing the weight and for the exhaustion. I am reassured that I am not as lazy, or 'failing' as much as I thought.

Another thing I was reminded of these last two weeks is that if I just practice resting, being at peace, seeking the Father.. most things tend to just fall in to place. To me, this includes breaking an addiction, finding healing, and just feeling better overall. (as well as many other things).

So that's my new plan. Worry about the food less. Stress about headaches less. Think about the natural medical facts less & Pray more. Sing more. Be silent more. The more aware I can be of who I really am; strong and spiritual, the more I will see changes in the natural. This might sound a bit wonky, but I have seen it and felt it to be true in my own life as well as others. It's time to go back there.

You don't need to feel bad for all the second chances you are getting. That's not the point of Grace. Grace means you don't need to feel condemnation or guilt. Just peace.

And the courage to start again.

<3