Welcome Back, Me

Hey guys! So.. it's been awhile.

Short Story: 8 days of sickness for myself, 2 sick kids, broken dishwasher and oven, hosting, IF Gathering conference, counseling and regular home life.

Long Story: I've been a little lost. I've been in survival mode for a year now. There have obviously been both good and hard times. Between two babies at once, hormone changes, health problems and stress.. I haven't been myself and I haven't always recognized this person who I have become. When all the above mentioned in the Short Story happened in two weeks I just got overwhelmed. Exhausted and overwhelmed.

To top it off; due to the sickness, I wasn't working out anymore and wasn't eating a whole lot at all. My anxiety really took off and I started to freak out about every day life things. Even though I KNOW that my worth doesn't come from my productivity or my level of 'success', I couldn't handle that I was so behind on dishes and meals weren't being made etc. I was envisioning the worst every time one of my kids sniffled or tripped or woke up crying in the night. And I do mean the worst. This is not how I want to live. It's impossible to keep going like this.

In the midst of it all (nothing even earth shattering has happened this whole time.. it really is a battle in the mind for me) I just really felt, as I have so many times this last year, that God wasn't holding up His end of this relationship. Never mind the fact that I spend not a whole lot of time with Him and when I do it's mostly just Why and a few swear words peppered in with loud requests of sleep for all. I felt like He didn't listen, He didn't care. He just left me on my own to see how I would do. And I felt inadequate. In motherhood, as a wife, a homemaker and a friend. All the while feeling guilty because I'm well aware that nothing is even seriously wrong, with anybody or anything. Why can't I cope like a healthy human being?

My husband finally said to me (paraphrasing here).. “You just can't do this. You have to trust. You're not supposed to do it all and handle it all. Just trust.”

And in my desperate state I somehow decided to do just that. I sat down on the rug in the living room after everyone was asleep and I cried and I cried. And I told the Father exactly how I felt. That I was alone, exhausted, overwhelmed, unable to keep up. That I felt like He didn't love me anymore and that I was a failure. Like I had no support even though I know that's not true. That I could only see and feel things that weren't the Truth. (like the no support thing, and that I suck if I don't do enough things in one day and that everyone I love is all going to die at the same time... don't worry I'm in counseling and I'm learning healthier ways to manage my thoughts ha).

-inserting a note here that although so far this is not happy, it gets better ha-

I told him how flawed I felt and how behind I was .. in both my dish-washing and my personal growth. And after I got that all off my chest and cried out about how broken my heart was in other things as well .. all He said was this:

“I love ALL of you”

And that was enough. A peace washed over me. The state of my house was the same. The state of my personal growth hadn't moved. But my mind was changed.

I sat down and wrote. Expressed myself; a strange poem that ended up being two pages of basically just descriptive words, a list, a reason, a motive, some things beautiful and others painful. And it felt so good. I love that He has created us as Beings of expression. He knew we would need that in this life. For ourselves and for our relationships.

I was certain now. I was not alone. So I asked Him for some help, physically here on earth. . because I couldn't bring myself to ask for it. And did He ever bring me help. 

He sent someone to help me with the kitchen, He sent someone to fix the oven, He sent someone with an Oreo Frappe. He sent a babysitter/angel, He sent someone to help with the kids and the groceries at the same time. He sent someone via Facebook message who told me she had noticed my absence and was cheering for me even in my silence, He sent my husband who prayed the perfect prayer for me and wished for me the things I couldn't even voice on my own and loved me no matter what. He sent me a handwritten card of encouragement through the mail from a Mama friend who gets it. He sent us health, He even sent me a full night of sleep.

There were more things but this was all in just a couple of days. I wanted to crumple under the pressure of His love. In a good way. I asked for a sign, for some visible help and I couldn't have seen more answers than I did. To top it all off, I was able to go (kid-free, thank you husband) to the IF Gathering; a gathering of woman all around the globe listening to christian women speakers and the topic (lo and behold) was about persevering when you're stuck in the middle. The encouragement and the friendship that was there was a bright spot that will not be dimmed for me.

I am believing again. Believing I will be able to move forward instead of backward. Both emotionally and physically. That I will seek out the joy and the things to be thankful for instead of demanding them. That I will never forget this; because although there are sure to be just as difficult if not harder times ahead, I will know that I am not alone. I have strength in Him and I have hope in Him. I can enjoy life no matter what the situation or the feeling that surrounds me.

As I ended my poem, I will end this post:

I have hope. Because I am never alone.

He IS hope.

I will find myself. I know I'm here.

I am scared.

I am anxious.

I don't want to.

I will move forward.

I will really REALLY live.

I will be well.

I will fight.

I will win.

I will fight again.

Darkness against Light. Good against Evil.

I am a warrior.

And I am ready.

<3

The Last Time

Alright, first things first. I don't feel like writing this one! Haha not because it's too vulnerable (well maybe in some ways (ok this is me coming back after writing it.. its a lot more vulnerable than i thought ha)) but mostly because it just feels like I'm writing the same thing over and over again. I'm writing it hoping that it's my very last one like this.

A health update. I'm going to do it in “point form” because it's 2:26am and even though I'm not tired at all, I know that I need to get to bed cuz someone's waking up crying for a bottle in about 1or 4 hours ha

1. Hypothyroidism – still there. Went off my meds after the twins were born, gained back all the weight I had lost (and then some, thanks to using food as my stress reliever), lost most of my energy, my eyelashes and hair started falling out, mood wings, bursts of anger and some other random things. On the POSITIVE – even though, it took a solid 4.5 months to come out of that, I am now currently in a pretty good place with the medication (I went back on, and after three months was prescribed an even higher dose) and my numbers are where they are should be. I have seen a lot of my energy come back and the anger is less and the hair and most of the eyelashes are coming back/stopped falling out. Still working on the weight, because apparently my metabolism is now shot and also... STILL EATING WHEN STRESSED.
2. Intracranial Hypertension – I am still not 'out of the woods' yet. My neurologist (whom I saw a week ago) told me that it is looking pretty good right now but since I still have one symptom and because I'm right back to the same weight as the beginning he is still worried. He wants me to come back in 2.5 months and to lose 15 pounds by then. Thankfully my only symptom is that I hear the pressure in my ears (wooshing when I lay down) and not every day. Nothing serious yet and I plan to not get past that. NEED NEW STRESS HANDLING TECHNIQUES
3. After-Baby Health and New Diagnosis – in most ways I am healed from giving birth. I am sleeping a lot more, I can handle a lot more, the slight post-pardum is mostly gone. I'm never really sure whether I'm hormonal, it's thyroid or babies causing my moods LOL still, they are better.. despite my last post haha I currently am also dealing with a low cervix. Mostly this is pain-free except for a new kind of cramp once a month and just in general I don't like to think about it cuz ack. Basically my pelvic floor muscles need help. I was told this is common for women who've given birth multiple times (or twins too) that have a retroverted uterus (which I learned last week is what I have). So back to pelvic floor therapy I will go.. and also lose weight. SHEESH WHO KNEW at this point I am sensing a theme.
4. Weight-Loss. Now, I am not here to say that every person who is bigger than a size *insert any number here*, needs to lose weight. No way. Nuh-uh. Health looks extremely different on every single person. For my specific body (inside), how I currently feel, and how heavy I am.. it is imperative that I lose weight. Since I have the crappy misfortune of hypothyroidism (still believing somehow I'm going to kick that), and now a wrecked metabolism, as well as the self inflicted destruction of a food addiction (which I'm also kicking. Slowly.. but surely? Yes. Surely. Sometimes. But will be forever. Ugh. Yay. Ugh. ) losing weight is NOT easy at this point. In the past it always has been for me, my body is like yes! Let's get back to a healthy weight! Bam! This time it's like.. nah. And then i'm discouraged so I eat nachos. Ugh. Literally there's no positive to this that I can currently see haha But read on! I am doing good things to fix this!

Solutions: Continue with the thyroid medication, finally connecting with a counselor for venting/help with better coping techniques/to break this problem, and I just signed up for a years worth of Beachbody On Demand.

Now... normally I'm not into stuff like this. (selling fitness things or products that seem unrealistic or can be propositioned in a way that shames you into buying them) I give loads of props to people who do the selling because that's hard and it's a business and I just couldn't do it. And not because I don't believe it works for people, but because I've had so many not awesome experiences with people who inbox me on insta (who i dont know) and are like 'Hey, you're a mom.. I have this workout program you should try.' or 'Hey you're a mom, congrats! Wanna get rid of your stretch marks? I have the perfect thing to get rid of those!' and I'm over here like There's nothing wrong with them.. they're just like a freckle to me. I kinda like them even... so needless to say I get annoyed. ANYWAYS.. Someone messaged me but she'd been reading my blog and seemed to genuinely care. Parts of her story were the same as mine and she said the best part, and the part that makes it work, is that you become part of an online group of women doing the same thing and they encourage, and vent and check in and share recipes. And she, as your coach, checks in every day. This seemed personal and she seemed lovely.

Also, you have to do it. You have to workout. I also get shakeology for a month but honestly, after that you have to pay quite a bit to keep that part up so I'll just stick with my “netflix of fitness” and the accountability group hah! Just watch, I'm going to love it..

After saying 'No' twice and doing some serious soul searching, I signed up. The group starts right away and I think I get the stuff in a few weeks..

You guys. I am so afraid. I've tried to do things with people before and be accountable but it just has never worked out. This is not the fault of anyone but my own. And this was something that has a specific amount of time, a coach checking in, I paid money, and get a whole support group.. and will help others (hopefully) at the same time. Also, now I'm going to document it here and on insta so that's a lot of eyes on me ha I have never committed to something like this before because that means I really do have to give up my comfort, my food. I really have to cut the bad/delicious stuff out, have to hate the addiction, have to eat in a healthy manner, have a healthy relationship with food. I have to workout! In the morning is the only time its going to work, before the kids are up.. THIS MEANS WAKING UP FLIPPING EARLY.. which means going to bed early, which means no alone time at night, which is my favourite :'( I'm so afraid to fail, to disappoint myself and others, to share here that I'm starting this thing and then to have to say I'm sorry I haven't done it perfectly or I totally messed up.

BUT. (what a good sentence, I can imagine how hard some of you are cringing hahahaha) BUT. I am also SO excited! I'm at a point in life where I simultaneously am doing my worst with this problem, but to a point where I'm SO ready to do whatever it takes to fix it. To be healthy; mentally and physically. To not pass this on to my kids, to be able to model to them what it looks like to love yourself completely. To be strong! To go to my neurologist appointment and hear him say; “I never want to see you again!”, to never hear that sound in my ears or have that fear for my eyesight again. I am so ready to actually fit into some of my favorite clothes (not unrealistic high school body goals, just pre-twins goals ha) and to feel comfortable. And to buy new clothes! To get on the floor easier to play, to be super active in the summer, to not have to go to pelvic floor therapy hopefully ever again. lol

Most of all, I'm so excited that by this time next year, even though I'm so scared to type because there's always that doubt, I'll be able to say.. Wow, look what I accomplished this last year. No more wishing I was healthier or stronger or more capable. No more desperately needing some control, but just free from it all. I will be strong, healthy and free from the hold of stress and the constant need to snack and overeat. I will have so much more space in my mind and I will be able to give so much more of myself to my family, to those I love, and even to strangers that may need help, who maybe I haven't been seeing lately because of my focus.I cannot wait to have less Doctor/Neurologist/Physiotherapy appointments :D I cannot wait to feel, instead of shame or guilt or hopelessness, to feel pride and excitement and hope in this area. 

2018 is going to be an extremely difficult year for me in this regard, kicking an addiction and forming new habits always will be. I will be working harder than ever both physically with this and mentally through counseling and so it's also going to be an extremely beautiful year. I'm going to grow and I want to share that journey with you. Thank you for always reading and supporting and praying and sending good thoughts. I appreciate it more than you know <3

Here's to the New Year! (also to now, because I'm already signed up and the group starts haha)

Love you all.

THIS DAY

TODAY! laugh, cry, laugh, cry, go silently into the bedroom and scream into a pillow, wipe runny noses approximately 35+ times, five - FIVE - poopy diapers, all three in bad moods, spilled alfredo all over the fridge, sweet and sour sauce on the floor, formula powder in the element, (thats like $34,861,554 there), missed the garbage can with the old food and had to clean that up, stepped in a puddle with my socks, (like movie type things to go wrong alllll day).

The spills were actually all done by me, the adult, and i dropped two dirty, messy lids because the floor was clearly missing being spilled on, banged my kneecap into the corner of the wall, split my toenail in half (again) on my own pantleg, (HOW IS THIS POSSIBLE) and forgot to shower.. AGAIN. And i'm way too tired to now. ew. This was the first half of the day. Ha!

There was so much sass from the toddler it was on another level, and the twins mobility has got them in each others' faces (and accidental throat, stomach and head bops or hits) ALL day and nothing and nobody is safe. The toddler finally realized she can pick up the babies so I literally cannot take my eyes off of them at all, all day, because you know she doesn't always listen to the 'no picking up your siblings' rule. Twin B is also trying to cut four teeth at once... so imagine that. :S

Honestly, and i say this for those of you who've known me from before having kids and this may shock you, i definitely said the F word today. Not in front of my kids, but definitely out loud. And not just once. I actually included it in my prayer to the Father. MULTIPLE TIMES. And this is most definitely not the first time. It was like Nighttime Stephanie from before, after just having the babies and never sleeping came back (did I ever talk about that version of me on here? I can't remember. That was like 8 month ago.) and during the day! Go ahead and judge if you need to, but I am so very thankful that He lets me be that real with Him. Also, He knows my heart. Lol but for real. I am learning about His level of Love for me (in EVERY situation.. some much less and some much worse than this) and the tiny moments when I can glimpse it, blows me away. He truly is the God of 'No Matter What, I Love You'.

I am not the same person that I was before having these babies. And some of that is fine, some is actually quite good and was needed, and a good swear word here and there is better than some other alternatives, but I have never been an angry person until now. Like, never. So this is new, I don't know how to handle this healthily – i'm working on it, don't worry, both on my own, and with working on getting my thyroid and hopefully hormones under control and referring myself to a counselor, yay I actually can't wait to start that! - so to say today was rough was an understatement.  Thankfully nothing is serious or wrong with the kiddos.. and there actually are days that really are bad, but just mentally I didn't handle today. Basically at all. And you know it just makes you feel shitty! In so many areas! So I'm writing this in order to stop stuffing my face with chocolate chips because that is not helping. So thank you, you are helping me make at least one good decision today. Also, re-living it is reminding me that it wasn't all bad, even tho it kinda felt it was..

In the midst of all that, me just not handling it AT all, my three year old (after hitting me and then saying sorry ON HER OWN YAY - that happened at least one of the times today so progress hopefully LOL *insert hysterical laughing crying here*), my three year old, touches my face while i cry and says "its ok its ok, you're ok" and we hugged and then we asked Jesus to help us not be grumpy together. And we ended up having a lovely hour in the evening where we played and cleaned up and played some more together, happily! Hallelujah! (thank you husband for taking care of the twins and their shnot)

Later on before bed, when I asked her what she was thankful for (we try to do this every night so that on days like today it ends happily and with many snuggles ha) today she said "Jesus made us happy!" and when I asked her who she wanted to pray for today, she said "You!". And that cancels everything else out. Even if I'm still wrestling with the bad mood later as I think about the day, I remember those moments (as well as moments when the twins giggle at the same time, or sing at the same time) and suddenly I know that it's going to be ok.

I'm far from a perfect mom, wife, friend etc., but I'm trying and I thank the Lord our kids (and my husband) somehow see and feel that. She will grow up knowing she is loved and based on her empathy level - being kind to others. And that matters the most.

Oh sidestory: After a timeout I always tell her that no matter what she does, even though i want her to listen, if she doesn't.. i still love her. nothing can change that. I don't know how much of that she understands yet but the other day my husband gave me a hug and she comes running up and hugs both of us and says, very seriously, "no matter what, i love you mommy and daddy" :') if she doesn't already, she will understand it one day and I know she will feel it.

May tomorrow be completely different :) Except for the love parts. haha

Sister Love

My sister and I recently celebrated her birthday... and her birthday was in March. #twinlife

But it doesn't matter how long it took me to make this day work, because it was AMAZING. One of my favourite things is to plan our sister date for her birthday.. It's become our thing for me to take her somewhere she hasn't been so we can just shoot together. Be creative and relax and have fun together, just us.

I realize that a lot of my photography has Carrie as my subject and honestly, I'm not even going to apologize for that. Because I know that none of you mind and I can't believe how blessed I am to have the world's most beautiful, photogenic model ready whenever I want to go exploring and let me take pictures .. all while she gives me advice and teaches me about my camera! It's really just a birthday present to myself baha sorry care, love youuuu

My sister, if you know her you already know most of this, is the one of the kindest human beings on the planet. She is gorgeous, because look at her, but also even more so because her character and her heart are made of pure gold. She is always thinking of others, questioning things to make herself stronger, teaching me as if she were the oldest, being the best auntie ever to my kids, constantly bettering herself, exploring God, making people laugh and being my best friend. my kindred spirit. my shrub.

Here are some pictures of her beautiful self (and the new locations we were able to shoot at.. thank you to Mrs Krahndashian!) as well as some other rolls of film after that.. i'm finding that the more we go out and shoot, the happier I am with more of the pictures on the roll! I used to like a handful of the pictures I took but I'm both learning to love film more, and getting a bit better and closer to what I want to be like with taking the pictures! It's addicting :D

the next few are of my toddler, playing in the leaves. loving it and then hating it ha!

Twin A & Twin B lookin messy & cute as usual

and my backyard; which I'm obsessed with in Fall <3

no, we did not swim when it was like this lol

Happy Heart

I got some film baaaack :) some of it didn't work, as per usual. But some of it turned out exactly as I had imagined <3 People's faces and landscapes/nature are turning into some of my favourite things to photograph for the sake of capturing an image I have in my head, but I have lots of candids in here for the memories side of things. All of it makes my heart happy <3

First of all. Look at his face. ACK *heart eyes* I get to be married to this guy!
Second of all.. the liiiiight and the shadows, yay! he patiently walked around and stood in many spots until I was happy haha

these next few are from a family member's home. THE WOODS <3

My parents backyard is THEE place to be

Shadows & Light

My toddler found a bag of grass seed .. so our sandbox turned into a grassbox ha

The kiddos and summertime <3

We had a big celebration for my Aunt's 55th, it was a special year as she received a successful bone marrow transplant :') <3

my daughter and her great-grandma. i could not love this more

this year, my parents added a 3 season deck to their magical backyard.. it was like a giant playpen ;) my dad did everything himself, (well, my mom is the decorator!) he never ceases to amaze me! even the brickwork!

just some randoms

and finally a few from last Christmas .. it was a surprise roll of film I forgot I had haha she's so little :')

the end.