Love & Grief

It's been awhile. I have no excuse. Just no inspiration ... I will apologize in advance for the length, but it's really not one I know how to shorten.

 

It's been a bit of a tough November/December. Some of the regular things; struggling not to overeat, wondering if I'm doing a good enough job parenting, feeling stressed, making myself too busy (hence the stress). All of these are self inflicted problems and there are times when my perspective is changed and I remember that.

One of those times was a life-altering string of moments that started on November 12th. My Grandpa passed away. </3 Oh how I miss him already.

 

It was somewhat expected, very peaceful and with his wife and all of his kids by his side. But it was still so rough. I've been very fortunate and I've never had to experience the grief of losing a loved one whom I was close to before, so this was a new emotion for me. Your body and brain do a really good job of taking you through the grieving process, so make sure you let them. I have learned that grief makes no sense and, in this case anyways, it is not a constant companion but rather one that strikes you at random. Like, when I was going through my list of who gets a Christmas card this year and I had to take Grandpa off the list. Or while driving to Ang's Pizza, I am hit with a memory of when I was a child and remembering the first time I realized my Grandpa's sense of humor was awesome and promptly burst into tears. In between these moments however; it just feels like he's still here, and that I'll get to go visit in a couple of days, you know?

 

In the last year and a half, my grandpa had been diagnosed with Temporal Cell Arteritis, causing a sudden permanent loss of vision in one eye, as well as Vascular Dementia and we slowly noticed a decline in his clarity. My uncle described it well; it's like a filing cabinet. All the information in the folders is still there, but it's as if someone knocked the cabinet over, so they are all mixed up.

 

At times he would know who I was, but not my name. Other times, he would know my name but not quite remember why he knew me. I'm sure there are so many of you who can relate to this, and for that I'm sorry. As a granddaughter it made sad and I can only imagine the depth of the emotion it stirred in his kids and my Grandma.

 

However, one of the really amazing parts in all of this, was that whenever I would bring my baby girl there.. he would be almost completely clear. To be fair, he always thought she was a boy and the fact that I named her Alex didn't help haha Maybe even caused it!

 Our conversation went like this: Me - 'Grandpa, he is actually a she.' Grandpa - 'she's a girl??' Me - 'Yes, even though her name is a boys name, she's a girl' Grandpa - 'oh boy. well, I'll just call her mine'  :')

But he knew he loved her and his sentences were clear and understandable every time he was with her.  Right up until 2 weeks before he passed away, they were still having a hoot together; playing soccer and giving kisses. It meant the world to me. And, in typical Grandpa fashion (this never changed) as soon as she would cry, he would tell us we could go home. haha!

One other amazing part of this time in my life, is the people around us. I didn't even think about what to expect in this area, but I have never seen or felt such an outpouring of love from so many of those who I know and even those who I don't. So many cards, flowers, prayers, kind words and hugs. It was absolutely overwhelming in such a beautiful way. Thank you. People need people, and you know what? That's a good thing.

 

Watching my Grandparents together was possibly the best and most painful part. It took my breath away. He was always looking for her and when sitting in his wheelchair and with her standing beside, he would hold on to her hand or finger. She sat beside his bed and held his hand, even when he couldn't open his eyes because she knew that he could feel it. This is love in one of it's purest forms and I will forever look to that as my inspiration.

 

I miss him. I miss his little chuckle, his cute face, the way he sang Johnny Cash to Alex, the way he and Grandma love each other, the way he sat at the window and waited when he knew we were coming, his jokes, his teasing and the face he made after because he knew there would be a retaliation and he loved that, and the fact that our center in our family is no longer complete. I miss him.

 

My sister put it really well. She said; although there is now a gaping hole in our family, it is a beautiful privilege to say good-bye to someone who lived such a full life. :')

 

We love you Grandpa, and we can't wait to see you again.