August 16, 2015

Not a Summary: Final Part (3)

This is the 'ending' to my summer life story. If you need to catch up, here's Part 1 and here's Part 2.

That next week (Tuesday, July 28th) I went to see my neuro-ophthalmologist and he took some pictures of the back of my eye and did more neurology tests on me (making me repeat words and then remember them five minutes later, asking me how much 9 quarters is.. Lol). He explained the picture to me and how it told him there was pressure in the brain (when he saw the amount of pressure from the report his response was; “woah!” Not exactly reassuring ha) but that there was no hemorrhaging and since I had no vision loss, this was good. He said that because we had a reason for the weight gain (thyroid) and since I had just started those pills and would be able to lose it soon, he was taking me off the brain pressure drugs and just prescribing weight loss!! He said if he kept me on the meds I would have to commit to a year and three times the amount I was on now.  I couldn’t have been more surprised and happy to hear that I could stop taking them. I hated how they made me feel and if I can just do this by losing weight, that would be amazing. He said if my insurance covered another kind of test, he wanted to do that because it would give him a better look at everything but if it didn’t then we wouldn’t do it. He didn’t want me to have to pay out of my own pocket. I think this is the first doctor I’ve met who wanted me off medication immediately and was caring about not only my health, but also my finances! It was so refreshing. He said because we aren’t doing that extra test, we are driving a little bit in the dark, but not too much in the dark. Haha So now I have an even better reason to trust Jesus and not drugs. I left that office with even more of a spring in my step than before. Every time I go see someone it seems to be better news!! I go back to see him in a month where he will monitor the pressure and I will need to have lost 10-15 pounds by then. Losing a total of 25-30 is the ultimate goal, he said; “that should do it.” So by the end of September I should be good to go.. that’s not that far away!

It’s been 16 days since that appointment and I’ve only lost another 3 pounds since then, so that means I have about 15 days to lose another 7-10. However, as hard as it is, I am not going to weigh myself every morning. That just makes me afraid if I haven’t seen it move .. I have been very proud of myself and how I’ve been eating so I know that very soon the weight will just fall off. The thyroid pills that I am taking are starting to slowly work because I am feeling more and more energetic and like myself. They say that they take about one month to three months to kick in and I’m just about to go on one month. I still see sparkles and flashes throughout the day and some days it’s worse than others but I’ve still had no loss of vision and most days the symptoms are 65-70% gone.

 I definitely have had to lead a different lifestyle these last few weeks; it’s been difficult and also great. I have to take breaks, I have to stay home sometimes instead of going out, I have to save up my energy. If I know that I’ll be going somewhere in the evening, I’ll have to do almost nothing  during the day, except of course take care of and play with my baby, or vice versa. It feels unproductive and I obviously still sometimes base my worth on my level of ‘productivity’, so it’s been a learning process too. Most of the guilt is gone because I know that taking care of myself is more important than the house or the finances or the supper table. It’s just difficult to remember that all the time, so I keep working at it. Saying no to coca cola, saying no to chips, saying no to Kimmi’s cookies; these are all very difficult for me. I am someone who definitely has a food addiction. I’ve been fighting it for years and I go back and forth to doing well and then back to letting it consume me. Right before all of this happened I started going to the gym and made an appointment with a dietician because I told Trav, I don’t want a health scare to be what changes me……. Strange turn of events. However, since my thyroid wasn’t working, the immense weight gain wasn’t just from me, and somehow that made me feel better. I hadn’t thought I was quite that far gone and it’s good to know I wasn’t. Needless to say, every time I take a bite, I have a different thought process now…. Resting (going to bed at 10 instead of 12) and letting myself get fully hungry before I eat; I have come to enjoy these things. They feel right, and they are signs of progress both as a person, and in my health. My blood pressure is still good, I’ve lost 10 pounds, and I have some energy. I can honestly say, this is the best I have felt in my entire mat leave and I can hardly wait to be all the way better.

Another perk to this new perspective on life (knowing you are going to make a full recovery does that to a person lol) is that I just don’t care what I look like anymore! Well, I still like to look nice ha but for example; my brother-in-law’s wedding (which was beautiful and fun). This was the first wedding that I didn’t not waste any energy on wishing that I was smaller so that I could have worn a different dress or that my dress looked ‘better’ on me. I thought I looked pretty and that was it. J Our bodies are so amazing with what they can all do, and with how they adapt when certain parts aren’t working properly and I’m so thankful for mine.

I want to say thank you to everyone who did know about it and sent your prayers and your good wishes. Thank you for caring and understanding when I wasn’t myself, when I didn’t have the energy to be as attentive as I wished I could have and for loving me. I have been blessed with so many amazing people in my life sometimes it overwhelms me. I have definitely felt closer to my Father and to my Jesus in the last little while than I have in a long time and I in NO way believe that God did this to me for that reason. I believe things like this happen because of the way we live, the world we live in, the enemy, or just bad decisions. I do believe that Jesus takes these things and squeezes all of the good He can out of them because I am His child and He cares for me even more than my own parents do (and they care a LOT). I am so happy to feel this Love and this Peace and also this Healing that I am receiving. I look forward to the day when I hear the words that my pressure around my brain is normal, and as a bonus I also look forward to the day when I get to go shopping for a new wardrobe (remember trav, you promised :P).

The next time someone asks me how I’m doing, I can honestly answer with ‘much better’ and it feels so good. I missed me! I have conquered the fear.. even though it rears its head here and there, I just tell it to go back to hell where it came from and immediately it vanishes. I am whole. Despite what is happening in the natural, it is well with my soul J

Love you all and I hope that if you have any medical conditions or any suspicions or maybe even a problem with foo; that you make an effort to check it out, or listen to your body and take care of yourself. I am still learning just how important that is. <3

August 14, 2015

Not a Summary: Part 2

This is Part 2 of my summer life story.. if you haven't ready Part 1 yet; click here
Ps. There is only one part left.. hang in there ;)

On Monday, Trav took the day off, and we headed to the city to see the neurologist. I described what I had been experiencing these last few weeks and as well as the last few months; I had been feeling like my brain was ‘full’ or like there was some kind of pressure, not quite a headache but just weird. I am pretty sure I have even mentioned to trav before; “like something feels wrong with my brain.” But it never occurred to me to go in and say that to a doctor, seemed a bit sketchy ha. Anyways, they did a bunch of tests (I looked like a cat for some, I had to touch my nose and then their finger over and over or walk in a straight line.. very interesting) and he concluded that everything was working great and my eyes were even a bit better than his. He said he needed to do a spinal tap to confirm what he thought it was (possibly a benign condition, I liked that word). I will say, curled in a fetal position on a bed while they stick two needles in your back and then another to take your spinal fluid out, was less than fun. I was imagining all kinds when he said “nice and clear and the flow is good”. Apparently it doesn’t flow like a faucet but is a slow drip. This was encouraging to me! haha

When they were finished, he said my only side effect might be that I would finally NOT have a headache because they will have relieved some pressure. My official diagnosis was as he expected: Idiopathic Intracranial Hypertension. Basically, this means that I have too much pressure around my brain. Judging by the words during the spinal tap “oh wow, its still climbing” there is quite a bit too much. Now, my understanding is that this is nothing fatal but if it would have continued, I would have had permanent vision loss. Praise the Lord that has not happened. I have almost perfect vision according to all the tests. God has been watching over me, that’s for sure. Now the cause for this condition is your thyroid (if it’s not working properly) and weight gain. This, when your thyroid isn’t working, is basically inevitable. I was both frustrated that such a simple thing could cause such a serious problem, and very relieved because this means, it is completely fixable!! He prescribed me some medication to relieve the pressure in my brain and warned me that there would probably be some side effects (tingling hands, dizziness or headaches). Then he referred me to a neuro-ophthalmologist who can monitor the pressure with pictures of my eyes instead of more spinal taps. That sounded pretty dang good to me! He said that as my thyroid pills kick in, I will be able to lose the weight and I should make a full recovery. :’) Needless to say, as we walked out of that hospital, I cried tears of relief as well as some I-hated-that-spinal-tap tears. Travis was a superb partner to have through all this (he didn’t even faint when the needles went in, because he left the room pronto haha). Reassuring me when I was being ridiculous, giving me sound logic when I was playing what-if, and reminding me what I believe when I started to fear.

The next week was a bit rough, to be honest. I thought I was done the hardest part and now I just had to get better, however; I had other reactions to the drug. My toes were tingly and parts of them and my feet were going numb. My nose felt like I had dove into the deep end way too fast and it throbbed so hard I could hardly concentrate on anything else, and the pressure headaches were fairly intense. (Thank you to my girlfriends who prayed over me when I had a migraine that one night<3) I called the pharmacist to make sure these symptoms were normal and I was told that the tingly toes was on the ‘seek medical help’ list. Great. Like I wanted another thing to think about. I called my neurologist and he wasn’t in so I left a message and then waited almost two days. My family doctor suggested cutting the dosage in half so, while I waited, that’s what I did. This however, did not make me feel any better and randomly throughout the day, as the symptoms would come and go, I would have minor panic attacks. I have never really been a hyperventilating person and I have to say, I hate that too. I don’t like feeling like I’m losing control, especially when I know my baby is going to wake up any minute and I need to be a functioning adult and take care of her. Being afraid that every bite of food I take could be the one that makes me lose my vision, and worrying that the tingly toes could mean anything (losing my foot, blood clot… your brain goes waaaaay too far on it’s own) isn’t how I like to operate, although I do seem to be bent that way. Usually when I worry, all I have to do is say a verse or listen to a praise song and I’m back on my feet. This time that was only working for about an hour and I’d be back to freaking out. On top of that, I had not lost any weight yet and I had been eating extremely well.  I could not deal. So I texted my bible study leaders and said I needed help.

 I headed over there that evening and we had a good chat. Everything they talked about, I agreed with and said “and I KNOW that….” So finally he looked at me and said: “So you’re here to hear other believers speak the things that you already know to be the Truth” and I said “Yes! Cuz it’s not working for me to do it!” So we went over some basics and they shared some of their own stories. I have had many instances in my life where I have prayed with, for or over someone and they have been healed (not by me, obviously, it was Jesus through the prayer) but apparently when it’s myself, it’s just harder to believe that it can happen. They reminded me that it was okay to react and feel. It’s definitely important to go to the doctor if I feel I should and take the pills that are necessary, but that I also need a mindset change. I needed to decide, so that I would stop worrying, that none of the physical symptoms mean anything, and then go spend time with my Father. The stronger that relationship is, the more everything else falls into place. I have experienced this before, but have never had to ‘test’ it on something this serious. It felt so good to just be reminded of everything I knew my heart believed. God was watching out and protecting my vision and everything else up till now, He’s not just going to pull back now and stop. <3 and I needed to decide to trust that, no matter how or what I was feeling. They prayed over me; for peace that passes all understanding, for healing and they cast out anything unlawful that was in my body in Jesus’ name. I was crying by the end and I felt so good, like a huge weight had been lifted off my chest. I went home feeling like everything was going to be just fine but as soon as I got to bed, my toes were tingling. Man was I ever mad. This wasn’t supposed to be happening. Trav prayed for me and touched my arm while he did and my toes and feet were flooded with warmth and my head felt light. I fell asleep and when I woke up I felt amazing! There was no blood rushing in my ears and when I went to weight myself, I had lost FIVE pounds! Five pounds in one day!!!! I lost another two that day and this was enough to bring my blood pressure down from 145/100 to 122/80!! Almost textbook perfect. Our prayers HAD been answered last night. Despite my anger and my doubt, my Father was still faithful :’) My feet are still warm to this day.. and for a person whose feet have always been so cold that I don’t usually feel them, this is almost annoying :P but a good reminder J

That next week (Tuesday, July 28th) I went to see my neuro-ophthalmologist.

 To Be Continued…

Not a Summary: Part 1

Where to begin? I am writing this for so many reasons. <3

1. I need to update a lot of people in my life about where I’m at; physically, mentally and spiritually and it’s just too much to text.

2. I need to write out my experiences that I’ve had over the last three weeks to do the final processing for myself.

3. If I have forgotten something I have promised to do, missed a hang out or haven’t texted you back recently; this post will explain why.

4. I hope that by sharing something personal, we can all feel a little more like we know each other and maybe others will share as well. I love the sense of connection and the bravery I see when people talk about their current situations instead of just saying; nothings new, you?

I don’t know how else to write this out, other than like a story of my last few months, with some personal thoughts stuck in at random. It will be lengthy, for I don’t really know how to summarize. I’ve never been good at that, so I’ll apologize in advance! The grammar will also be atrocious. Stick with me; it’s a happy ending J Here goes:

For many months after I had Alex, I was at a reasonable weight. Just a bit over what would be considered healthy at my height and age. I gained a bit after I stopped nursing, but nothing to be concerned about. I just needed to adjust my diet and portion sizes, this I knew. However, around April I had gained a bit more without changing anything for the worse and wasn’t losing like I normally would when I adjust things for the better. I also couldn’t seem to get myself to do much.. some days were okay, some days I felt like I had no energy, and most days I woke up feeling exactly like I did before I fell asleep, tired. I also had some nausea; I could hear the blood rushing in my ears and a few other things that were bothering me, so I decided to go to the clinic. Those of you who know me, know that I do not go to see the doctor very easily. They did some blood tests and an ultrasound.. but I never heard back. My mom told me to go ask for results because sometimes (doctors are also human) they don’t get around to telling you if something was wrong.. but I didn’t listen. At age 24 you should know by now that your mother knows things. Lol I was just too tired to do anything about it and too tired to care.

In the month of June I gained 20 pounds. 20 pounds in 30 days. And I just couldn’t seem to lose it. My blood pressure was up to about 150/105 and I started to see flashes of light, sparkles, floaters, streaks and I had headaches probably 4-5 days out of the week. I went back to the doctor. He said he couldn’t see anything wrong with my eyes but that I needed to go to the optometrist within 5 days. I asked him about my blood tests I had done in April and he took a look for me. Sure enough, my thyroid wasn’t working. I believe the term is Hypothyroidism. My understanding is that my body was creating anti-bodies against the hormone the thyroid creates; so it was no longer creating it. This completely explained the weight gain and the utter exhaustion. A part of me was sad that now I was told I had to be on pills for the rest of my life (again, those of you who know me, know that I will be seeking natural methods on top of the synthetic hormone from the doctor so that hopefully I won’t have to forever) and part of me was SO relieved that there was an explanation. I was not just a lazy, obese human. The guilt was lifted. Guilt is so useless anyways, I wish I would recognize that during the feeling as well.. lol oh well, lesson learned yet again!

On Friday, July 18th (a few days after seeing the doctor) I had my Optometrist appointment. They did a full exam and I don’t really know what I was expecting to hear; I was just thinking if I could lose weight, everything would go back to normal. However, she said to me: “I’m so glad you came in today.” And right away, I knew this wasn’t going to go the way I was hoping. She went on to tell me that my optic nerves were swollen and they needed to find out why. She was sending me straight to the ER to get a CT Scan. She said she didn’t think it would be this, but that we have to rule out the worst right away; brain tumors. Needless to say, a tear snuck its way out. That wasn’t a word I had ever imagined hearing. She was wonderful about it and told me that it wasn’t silly to react this way, handed me a tissue and gave me the privacy to call Trav. There were more tears during that phone call; I think they were shock tears (does it give such a thing?) and I said, I’m so scared Trav. I don’t want to have a brain tumor. *insert some hyperventilating here* and he said “I don’t know what to say babe”. His honesty somehow made me feel better. He said he would leave work and meet me at Boundary. The optometrist came back and said Manitoba Health (I think?) would cover everything and I could go straight there. Thank you for that MB Health. Trying to think about all the money I had to pay yet was not something I wanted to do.

I think I went through more emotions in that 10 minute drive to the hospital than I have in my whole life. Shock, to complete panic.. your mind goes places that aren’t very pretty. If I do actually have a brain tumor, how long is my surgery going to take. Will it be operable? Is it cancerous? What if I die on the table or go into some kind of coma? I am NOT prepared for Alex to grow up without a mama or a different mama. And I am NOT prepared for me to not have the rest of my life to love Travis.

Then I thought to myself; okay Steph, you can keep panicking and imagine every single what-if scenario OR you can choose to believe what you’ve been learning; that Jesus is exactly who Jesus said He was. Well, that hope sounded better than the current direction I was heading and I decided yes. I choose that. I got to the hospital and they took my blood pressure (way too high obviously) and then I waited for a bit. As I sat there I started thinking, wow imagine if my CT scan comes back clear, there are so many things I have been afraid of all my life or thoughts that I have wasted my energy on. Time to change that! Starting with people; if I feel like someone needs a friend or if God asks me to speak to or pray with someone, I’m going to do it! But as I sat there, with many people in the waiting room, I was hesitant to talk to any of them.. I don’t know what it is that holds us back; feels like fear to me. But I hate it. So I made myself walk over to an elderly lady on the other side of the room and told her “Hi I think I need to make a friend right now!” Haha not weird at all Steph. She said, “oh sure!” So we chatted and she shared why she was there (for someone else) and before I could offer to pray for them, I was called in for bloodwork. I felt good that I had met a new person, I hadn’t held myself back. While I was waiting for my bloodwork results, I heard the person that lady had brought in walk by (the nurse was discussing the problem) and I prayed over them as they walked past me, so I still got to do that! God is neat.

Trav then joined me and I had to try not to cry again; something about someone also caring what happens to you just brings on the tears. I was feeling a lot calmer though and I was finally able to get my CT scan. As I went in, my whole body was shaking but I felt completely fine on the inside, not a single worry. J That was a wonderful feeling. As I took out my nose ring I was struck with the memory of about a week ago; me having this very vision of taking out my nose ring to go through a machine. Interesting, why I would foresee that, I don’t know. Maybe that helped me to be less afraid. When they put the contrast in your veins (to get a better view of your brain etc.) it feels very warm. Having a warm brain is also a new one for me! This struck me as rather funny but is definitely something I don’t wish to repeat.

Once it was complete, they sent us back to the waiting room and I was thinking to myself; I’m singing in church this Sunday, how much more meaningful is it not going to be now that I’m going to have such an amazing testimony?! I was also proud of myself and the direction my thoughts were going instead of fear. Thank you, God. So I started quietly singing the set list through, a few times.. it kept my mind busy and worship always calms my soul. Whoever the other man was in the waiting room with us, he got an earful. Ha!

Finally we were called to another little room while we waited for the doctor. I had a few seconds of panic again as I realized that I was about to find out possibly some of the most important news of my life but Trav said, “Relax Steph, we already prayed about this, remember?” Immediately, I calmed down again. Yes, I had made my decision of what I believed. The doctor walked in and his first words were; “Your CAT Scan came back normal, so you can get that out of your thinking.”
Ohhhh man, the utter relief. There were no abnormalities, my brain looked good, my optic nerves looked normal, and I had no lurking brain tumors! Three happy tears escaped. He did a few eye tests and a couple of things with my peripheral vision and then he said I would need to go see a neurologist so that they can figure out what exactly is going on. Sounded good to me! I wasn’t going to die :D I realize that may have been an overreaction but it’s truly how I felt; like I had just received a free pass on life! We left that hospital in good spirits, full of thankfulness and ready to tackle whatever came our way next.

To Be Continued..