Hey guys! So.. it's been awhile.
Short Story: 8 days of sickness for
myself, 2 sick kids, broken dishwasher and oven, hosting, IF
Gathering conference, counseling and regular home life.
Long Story: I've been a little lost.
I've been in survival mode for a year now. There have obviously been
both good and hard times. Between two babies at once, hormone
changes, health problems and stress.. I haven't been myself and I
haven't always recognized this person who I have become. When all the
above mentioned in the Short Story happened in two weeks I just got
overwhelmed. Exhausted and overwhelmed.
To top it off; due to the sickness, I
wasn't working out anymore and wasn't eating a whole lot at all. My
anxiety really took off and I started to freak out about every day
life things. Even though I KNOW that my worth doesn't come from my
productivity or my level of 'success', I couldn't handle that I was
so behind on dishes and meals weren't being made etc. I was
envisioning the worst every time one of my kids sniffled or tripped
or woke up crying in the night. And I do mean the worst. This is not
how I want to live. It's impossible to keep going like this.
In the midst of it all (nothing even
earth shattering has happened this whole time.. it really is a battle
in the mind for me) I just really felt, as I have so many times this
last year, that God wasn't holding up His end of this relationship.
Never mind the fact that I spend not a whole lot of time with Him and
when I do it's mostly just Why and a few swear words peppered in with
loud requests of sleep for all. I felt like He didn't listen, He
didn't care. He just left me on my own to see how I would do. And I
felt inadequate. In motherhood, as a wife, a homemaker and a friend.
All the while feeling guilty because I'm well aware that nothing is
even seriously wrong, with anybody or anything. Why can't I cope like
a healthy human being?
My husband finally said to me
(paraphrasing here).. “You just can't do this. You have to trust.
You're not supposed to do it all and handle it all. Just trust.”
And in my desperate state I somehow decided to
do just that. I sat down on the rug in the living room after everyone
was asleep and I cried and I cried. And I told the Father exactly how
I felt. That I was alone, exhausted, overwhelmed, unable to keep up.
That I felt like He didn't love me anymore and that I was a failure.
Like I had no support even though I know that's not true. That I
could only see and feel things that weren't the Truth. (like the no
support thing, and that I suck if I don't do enough things in one day
and that everyone I love is all going to die at the same time...
don't worry I'm in counseling and I'm learning healthier ways to
manage my thoughts ha).
-inserting a note here that although
so far this is not happy, it gets better ha-
I told him how
flawed I felt and how behind I was .. in both my dish-washing and my
personal growth. And after I got that all off my chest and cried out
about how broken my heart was in other things as well .. all He said
was this:
“I love ALL of
you”
And that was
enough. A peace washed over me. The state of my house was the same.
The state of my personal growth hadn't moved. But my mind was
changed.
I sat down and
wrote. Expressed myself; a strange poem that ended up being two pages
of basically just descriptive words, a list, a reason, a motive, some
things beautiful and others painful. And it felt so good. I love that
He has created us as Beings of expression. He knew we would need that
in this life. For ourselves and for our relationships.
I was certain now.
I was not alone. So I asked Him for some help, physically here on
earth. . because I couldn't bring myself to ask for it. And did He
ever bring me help.
He sent someone to help me with the kitchen, He
sent someone to fix the oven, He sent someone with an Oreo Frappe. He
sent a babysitter/angel, He sent someone to help with the kids and
the groceries at the same time. He sent someone via Facebook message
who told me she had noticed my absence and was cheering for me even
in my silence, He sent my husband who prayed the perfect prayer for
me and wished for me the things I couldn't even voice on my own and
loved me no matter what. He sent me a handwritten card of
encouragement through the mail from a Mama friend who gets it. He
sent us health, He even sent me a full night of sleep.
There were more
things but this was all in just a couple of days. I wanted to crumple
under the pressure of His love. In a good way. I asked for a sign,
for some visible help and I couldn't have seen more answers than I
did. To top it all off, I was able to go (kid-free, thank you
husband) to the IF Gathering; a gathering of woman all around the
globe listening to christian women speakers and the topic (lo and
behold) was about persevering when you're stuck in the middle. The
encouragement and the friendship that was there was a bright spot
that will not be dimmed for me.
I am believing again. Believing I will be able to move forward instead of backward. Both emotionally
and physically. That I will seek out the joy and the things to be
thankful for instead of demanding them. That I will never forget
this; because although there are sure to be just as difficult if not
harder times ahead, I will know that I am not alone. I have strength
in Him and I have hope in Him. I can enjoy life no matter what the
situation or the feeling that surrounds me.
As I ended my
poem, I will end this post:
I
have hope. Because I am never alone.
He
IS hope.
I
will find myself. I know I'm here.
I
am scared.
I
am anxious.
I
don't want to.
I
will move forward.
I
will really REALLY live.
I
will be well.
I
will fight.
I
will win.
I
will fight again.
Darkness
against Light. Good against Evil.
I
am a warrior.
And
I am ready.
<3
