Alright; real talk time.
I haven’t posted a health update in a long time. This isn’t
because I haven’t had news. It’s been because I’ve felt like a failure.
This seemingly never-ending struggle with food has brought
me down too many times. I still feel pretty
great (thank you Jesus) but my last neurologist appointment only went partially
well. It was on May 9th.
He said my one eye was even better than ever, but that the
other eye was bleeding (or had bled, I mostly panicked and couldn’t understand
much after that). He showed me the spot on the picture and said very sternly
that I needed to lose ten pounds by my next apt (July 20th) or he
was going to be forced to put me on meds.
Now, I did not lie to him when he asked if I had lost
weight. I said no. However, we continued talking after that and I did not tell
him that I had actually gained 12 pounds. (So now I need to actually lose 22
pounds.) This was probably a very bad idea. But I was just so ashamed. It
happened so slowly. I was feeling so great after my last appointment having had
lost 20 pounds in total that I relaxed. And fell right back into old habits.
That, coupled with never knowing if my thyroid medication is working, equaled
weight gain. NOT OK.
Part of me was so sad when I walked out of there. Really, I
did this to myself. And that is just so… wrong. And disrespectful .. my body
does everything in it’s power to work for me, to heal itself, to allow me to do
such amazing things and this was how I treated it. Plus, it just never feels
good to feel like something owns you. And I know this is wrong, but I always
feel like it’s so unfair. I know that I’m bigger, but I would never have
guessed that I was big enough to cause damage to myself, you know? Many other
people don’t have this problem so why me? But I know that that is not the right
way to think; I recognize that that’s whiny and selfish and that the problem is
in my heart. Time to fix that I guess :P
The other part of me was so relieved when I walked out of
there, because the dreaded appointment was over. And because my one eye is
looking super great. And because now I feel flippin motivated to treat my body
well. And because, despite my weaknesses and bad judgment, my vision has still
been protected. Not a sparkle in sight. I don’t deserve that.
And therein lies the problem; I so often feel like I don’t
deserve all the protection and health I have been given, despite my choices and
despite what Life has handed to me. But God doesn’t work that way. Ours is not
a work-based relationship. He looks at me and He sees His Daughter. Made
blameless by the Son. It’s almost impossible to fathom.
So my goal is, of course to stop eating so much ice cream
and just so much in general lol, but more importantly; it is to remember to
practice resting. Rest in the Father. In His Word and His Promises. In His
Love. With the better understanding of the depth of His Love for me, I believe
my actions will start to change automatically. It’s happened before. When there
is Peace and Love, there is much less of a ‘need’ for addiction. I look forward
to having more strength to make better decisions.
Thanks for taking the time to read these things guys; they
aren’t always easy to post because it’s like; HERE. HERE’S MY SOUL. Lol
and for those of you who are praying or sending good vibes..
it’s MUCH appreciated.
Love you all <3
Oh! PS. I have since then, lost 5.5 pounds. Only 16.5 to go!
*fist pump*
