January 09, 2016

The Grace to Start Over, Again

I had my blood test and my neurologist appointment these last two weeks. I was especially nervous this time around. (I know, I say that more often) You know when you can just feel that something's not quite right with your body? That was me these last two weeks and so I was dreading what the appointment would bring.

I was supposed to have lost another five pounds, only I had gained seven. I was discouraged. I knew that I had done some overeating over Christmas but all in all I felt like I had done really well and was also going to the gym almost every day.

Now, since I often struggle with productivity and progress being my measurement for value, when the good productivity levels don't produce the same kind of progress levels, it feels like complete failure. So on top of not feeling like things were right physically (headaches, exhaustion, pressure in the head etc.) I was now stressing out because I wasn't measuring up to my own standards. Which only increases the physical symptoms of whatever you're currently dealing with, or creates new ones.

It's also been just mood swings, left and right. Just ask my husband. Haha He's a patient man. When I ask for prayer, he does so and then tells me it's okay to have these feelings. And that's exactly what I need. While I'm aware the feelings and thoughts are irrational, they still come. So I have been feeling them, and then working on leaving them behind. So far, for me, this has been a more successful method than just freaking out that I'm having them. :)

Over and over in the last two weeks I have been reminded what stress and worry does to the body and mind. And over and over I have not been able to squash either one of them. The day of the appointment was especially difficult. He stated that I need to lose 15 pounds by March 9th, in order to stay off medication. (yipes!)
My mom and Alex had come with me so that was a good distraction and to be honest, it was a better result than I expected. He said that I “hadn't changed, or maaaaaybe got a liiiiitle better.” Direct quote there. Ha! That was slightly encouraging as I thought I may have gone backwards and it re-motivated me to try a little harder to kick that food addict back out.

And so I did. Worked a little harder at the gym, and watched my food portions. Still not choosing the healthy foods as often as I should, but definitely better than before. And... I gained two more pounds.

Then the call came from the doctor; blood test results were back. My thyroid, which had been progressing, was back to not working so good. This was discouraging for me. It felt like I went in reverse a bit. I just wanted everything to be better, you know?

BUT. I'm a silver lining kind of person, and just because I'm tired and it takes more effort to be positive, does not mean I'm going to let that change my core; who I am. And SO, it is wonderful to have an explanation for the difficulty I've had in losing the weight and for the exhaustion. I am reassured that I am not as lazy, or 'failing' as much as I thought.

Another thing I was reminded of these last two weeks is that if I just practice resting, being at peace, seeking the Father.. most things tend to just fall in to place. To me, this includes breaking an addiction, finding healing, and just feeling better overall. (as well as many other things).
So that's my new plan. Worry about the food less. Stress about headaches less. Think about the natural medical facts less & Pray more. Sing more. Be silent more. The more aware I can be of who I really am; strong and spiritual, the more I will see changes in the natural. This might sound a bit wonky, but I have seen it and felt it to be true in my own life as well as others. It's time to go back there.

You don't need to feel bad for all the second chances you are getting. That's not the point of Grace. Grace means you don't need to feel condemnation or guilt. Just peace.
And the courage to start again.

<3