I had my blood test and my neurologist
appointment these last two weeks. I was especially nervous this time
around. (I know, I say that more often) You know when you can just
feel that something's not quite right with your body? That was me
these last two weeks and so I was dreading what the appointment would
bring.
I was supposed to have lost another
five pounds, only I had gained seven. I was discouraged. I knew that
I had done some overeating over Christmas but all in all I felt like
I had done really well and was also going to the gym almost every
day.
Now, since I often struggle with
productivity and progress being my measurement for value, when the
good productivity levels don't produce the same kind of progress
levels, it feels like complete failure. So on top of not feeling like
things were right physically (headaches, exhaustion, pressure in the
head etc.) I was now stressing out because I wasn't measuring up to
my own standards. Which only increases the physical symptoms of
whatever you're currently dealing with, or creates new ones.
It's also been just mood swings, left
and right. Just ask my husband. Haha He's a patient man. When I ask
for prayer, he does so and then tells me it's okay to have these
feelings. And that's exactly what I need. While I'm aware the
feelings and thoughts are irrational, they still come. So I have been
feeling them, and then working on leaving them behind. So far, for me, this
has been a more successful method than just freaking out that I'm
having them. :)
Over and over in the last two weeks I
have been reminded what stress and worry does to the body and mind.
And over and over I have not been able to squash either one of them.
The day of the appointment was especially difficult. He stated that I
need to lose 15 pounds by March 9th, in order to stay off
medication. (yipes!)
My mom and Alex had come with me so
that was a good distraction and to be honest, it was a better result
than I expected. He said that I “hadn't changed, or maaaaaybe got a
liiiiitle better.” Direct quote there. Ha! That was slightly
encouraging as I thought I may have gone backwards and it
re-motivated me to try a little harder to kick that food addict back
out.
And so I did. Worked a little harder at
the gym, and watched my food portions. Still not choosing the healthy
foods as often as I should, but definitely better than before. And...
I gained two more pounds.
Then the call came from the doctor;
blood test results were back. My thyroid, which had been
progressing, was back to not working so good. This was discouraging
for me. It felt like I went in reverse a bit. I just wanted
everything to be better, you know?
BUT. I'm a silver lining kind of
person, and just because I'm tired and it takes more effort to be
positive, does not mean I'm going to let that change my core; who I
am. And SO, it is wonderful to have an explanation for the difficulty
I've had in losing the weight and for the exhaustion. I am reassured
that I am not as lazy, or 'failing' as much as I thought.
Another thing I was reminded of these
last two weeks is that if I just practice resting, being at peace,
seeking the Father.. most things tend to just fall in to place. To
me, this includes breaking an addiction, finding healing, and just
feeling better overall. (as well as many other things).
So that's my new plan. Worry about the
food less. Stress about headaches less. Think about the natural
medical facts less & Pray more. Sing more. Be silent more. The
more aware I can be of who I really am; strong and spiritual, the
more I will see changes in the natural. This might sound a bit wonky,
but I have seen it and felt it to be true in my own life as well as
others. It's time to go back there.
You don't need to feel bad for all the
second chances you are getting. That's not the point of Grace. Grace
means you don't need to feel condemnation or guilt. Just peace.
And the courage to start again.
<3