I'm
not really sure how to even begin this one. It's something that
weighs heavy on me, so very often. It's such a big conversation to
start and I'm so thankful that there are so many others starting it
as well. I don't really know how you would label it but it falls
somewhere under the Objectifying Women, Rape Culture, Feminism Is
Necessary category. Now before you start thinking 'oh goodness,
another feminist rant' .. remember that it's me here. A feminist. A
friend. A woman. And so much more.. please, read.
And since I don't really know how
to start or how exactly I even want this to come across, I'm just
going to share with you what I have been learning these last few
years of my life.
We do normalize and
minimize the things we go through so often that no wonder there are a
lot of people who do not know what it's like or have a hard time
understanding our reactions to 'small' things. Let's see if we can start talking.
Boys, Men .. you are so very
important in the shaping of a young woman's future outlook on life
and herself. And vice versa. Girls, Women.. you need to treat men the
same way you want and should be treated.
I have recently been discovering,
now that I"m a married adult with 1 little girl and a baby on
the way (took me long enough.. and yet, I feel thankful that I'm
learning this earlier than some), just how much the comments and
actions of boys/men throughout my life have affected me, my trust and
how I view my own gender and others. Both for the negative and the
positive.
Now you have to understand, I am
very fortunate. And because of this, I never really thought I had
much to add to the conversation when it came to people's views on
these topics. I have never been raped. I have never had a family
member or close family friend treat me inappropriately. My father, my
aunts & uncles, my grandparents.. everyone was exactly like they
should be. Loving and kind and treated me how people should. It never
even occurred to me growing up that people had to deal with family
members being the ones to cause torment in their lives. And I no
longer take that for granted. I'm so thankful every day for the
amazing family I have been blessed with.
Now, the more articles I read and
the more experiences I hear people share about, make me realize that
in many, many other ways I have been objectified and it has
completely shaped who I am today. When you've lived a life
like mine, this can be a startling discovery and completely change
your view on your past and your present person.
I now suddenly understand why
certain comments made/make me feel uncomfortable and certain actions
did/do too, but I also felt powerless to speak up or do anything
about it and just went about my day. Through our whole lives we have
heard all those sayings that everyone knows and accepts as reasonable
explanations: "Well, they're just being boys" or "That's
just how boys are" or "She shouldn't have dressed like
that, then she wouldn't have had these problems" or "Don't
wear that, the boys won't be able to concentrate" etc. etc.
I'm sure you've heard this all
before and are maybe annoyed to be reading them again but remember,
this is my personal experience. It matters because I matter. And so
do you. and so does your wife and your child and your friend.
These sayings are not reasonable
explanations. They are just complete fabrications. They entitle boys
to grow up thinking of girls as a view, or an object and that it's
okay. They tell girls that how they are treated is not the fault of
the person treating them wrongly, but because of their appearance.
And unless you've felt that way, you can in no way understand the
pressure, the guilt and the conflicting emotions that makes you feel.
Most of all, like your person just doesn't matter. And I think
it's safe to say that that is one of the worst feelings a person can
have.
This will get a little happier
yet, I promise.. but it's a serious discussion and it's not usually a
happy subject.
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I mentioned I would share
some specific things that happened in my life to shape who I am and
my worldview today; both negative and positive. I like to end on a
happier note so let's start with the negative.
I hit puberty fairly early, around
age 11, and I was so innocent. I grew up in a bit of a bubble, that
I'm thankful for that, but it made other people's actions even more
confusing to me.
When I was 12, I remember someone
telling me that the guys had watched me walk away and comment that
'Steph had a nice ass'. and it made me nervous to walk, anywhere. I
remember feeling ashamed that I had felt so confident in my favourite
pants when maybe if I had worn something a little baggier, I wouldn't
have had to hear those words. And I remember feeling bad that a
little part of me felt good about it, yeah I did have a nice butt.
And thats supposed to mean something, right?
When I was 13, I walked in on a
group of people and the room went silent. They all kind of looked
awkwardly away and I hurried out of there. Later I found out, they
had been discussing.. DISCUSSING with EACH OTHER, what they could all
see me wearing. And trust me when I saw, it wasn't much and it was
imaginative. I remember feeling embarrassed to see any of them the
next day because I felt naked, in my sweater. . knowing that they had
been imagining together, what I looked like without my clothes. I
remember feeling silly, like maybe it shouldn't matter so much to me
because "boys are just hormonal" and "they can't help
it". And since there were no actions involved, only words, maybe
I was overreacting. But I still didn't want to walk past them. And
there were so many of them, and only one of me.
When I was 14, I wore a shirt that
had the work 'Rock' on it. This ignited the question, to my face, if
that meant my nipples were hard as rock. I just stood there, with my
mouth open. To be fair, he looked ashamed and ran quickly away. I
have never understood why a boy can be completely kind when he's
alone, but say things he never normally would when surrounded by a
group. I remember never wearing that shirt again, and looking through
all my other shirts that I owned to see if there was anything that
invoke such a comment again. Unfortunately I missed one. That story
is similar.
When I was 15, I got smacked in
the ass with a tennis raquet by a male friend. Everyone laughed it
off and I was confused because I felt like I didn't like that, but
that I shouldn't make a big deal of it because it wasn't his actual
hand so I probably shouldn't care. And if everyone else thought it
was funny, I probably should too. I managed to keep my distance for
the next few games but I didn't enjoy that class as much anymore.
Plus I should have been able to have fun playing, not trying to avoid
physcial touch that was uninvited.
When I was 15, an adult in a
position of authority touched my butt. He claimed it was an accident,
that he was just picking something up.. so I didn't say anything. But
the object he was picking up was a good couple of feet from me. I
felt violated and powerless to do anything because I knew it would
just be me saying something had happened. I didn't want to see him
again or walk past him again either, but this was not an option. I
remember wondering just how many people did things like this. I later
heard other stories from other girls about similar incidents and now
that I'm older I wonder if that could have been stopped had I spoke
up.
When I was 17, I met my future
husband. Well, to be fair.. he saw me from a distance and found me on
facebook later and connected with me. (He was friends with some of my
family, so it's not as out there as it sounds haha). When he
contacted me, wanting to talk and get to know me, I remember my very
first thought being: why? what did he see? I mentally went through
the evening he had seen me and the only reason I felt assured enough
to even talk to him was because I had been sitting the entire evening
and wearing a jacket. So it couldn't have been my body that had
attracted him. It still took me over a month to trust any of his kind
words, and I didn't understand why. He was/is a total gentleman, a
man who isn't just a "boys will be boys" kinda guy.
Now these are just a few
instances, the ones that cross my mind now and again. Never mind the
adult males who check you out so often in one conversation while your
still a teen, that you often hold things in front of you just to make
it stop. and 'smaller' things like that. I often wish I could go back
now and handle those situations differently. Because oh how I would.
I have grown, I am confident in my worth as a person, and I know that
none of that is okay. And I'm allowed to do what I can to put a stop
to it.
These people are grown now too and
maybe they don't remember any of it, maybe they do. Maybe they shrug
it off as hormonal or immature years, or maybe they feel badly about
it. The important thing is, now that I understand that these are the
reasons that it took me so long to trust my future husband, and the
reasons why I still feel uncomfortable if my pants are tight, even
though thats how I like them, or am afraid to walk past males because
I assume they are checking out my behind and I just feel stripped.
Without consent. . now that I understand, I can do my best to change
it.
I can teach my daughter to tell
someone, to take a stand if these things happen to her. I pray she
has an even better experience as a woman then I have had, but I want
her to feel in control. And not ashamed. If our next baby is a boy, I
can't wait to teach him how important he is and that he has the power
to help change a woman's world, or a man's. He can be the one to lead
by example and to one day cherish his wife like his Dad loves me :)
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Now, here's some positive
examples! finally! lol
Through all these years of all
these things, 90% of the males in my life never said anything
inappropriate to me or made me uncomfortable in any way. Hearing
other people's stories, I have been very fortunate and protected. My
heart aches for those who've dealt with much worse and by people
close to them.
Throughout high school I had a
couple of male friends who were wonderful. They were protective, and
I often found out about instances later where they actually
approached guys who said perverse things to me and told them to stop
or else. I cannot thank them enough, not only because it worked, but
because they showed me what a boy could be, should be.
When I was in my later teens, a
couple of guys were asking me about my physical relationship with
Trav (my future husband) and if we did this or that all the time and
proceeded to describe in detail how they imagined it going down. I
just stood there in shock and didn't know how to respond. I just
wanted them to shut up. And then my male teacher came up and he
yelled at them. He told them to stop and that if anyone one day
treated his daughter this way and were this disrespectful to her, he
would have something to do about it. They hung their heads and left
quickly. I don't think I ever even thanked him, I was just so
surprised that someone had said something. He showed me that it
doesn't take many words to put someone in their place (sometimes) and
that I could trust him, and maybe others too.
My husband was, and is, fantastic.
He never pressured me, we were and are best friends, he is protective
but not jealous, and he respects my decisions so much that even if I
waver, he takes the stand that he knows I want to take. And when I'm
strong, I am so, so thankful for that because I can see it so
clearly.
And all my life, my amazing Dad,
showed me what love means. The way he has taken care of and treated
my mom was all the example I ever needed. Without knowing it, he's
the reason that I knew I was supposed to be treated with respect,
that I was to be emotionally taken care of, that I mattered. And the
reason that I married someone just as wonderful, who does those
things :')
I'll probably write more one day,
on a similar vein, because there's just so much about this topic I
could say.. but this was a lot for now. I hope that ladies, you read
this and know that you are worth so so much, and that you can tell
someone if you're treated wrongly. And men, I hope you read this and
know how important you are and that you are teaching your sons the
same.
Thanks for listening guys, it means the world <3
