Stop the Frenzy? Let's be Realistic

I'm just sitting down after a long, wonderful day. Is it over? Not even close. I still need to finish cleaning, finish a piece of art, and work on some spreadsheets. Yes, I realize that it's already 9pm and instead of doing any of those things, I'm writing a blog. :P

Normally, this would be because I am procrastinating doing anything. Because let's face it, that seems to be in my blood. But today, it's actually just because I'm having a good December right now and felt like sharing how I got to that point.

December is always insane. Every year, I tell myself we are going to keep things simple; plan less parties, promise to bring less baked goods and buy less presents. Every year, I do not do that.

Except, somewhat by accident, this year! We have three gatherings in January instead of December and that frees up some time and slows down the baking/cooking/dip making frenzy. This year, we shopped a little smarter, made a few more handmade things (simply because I wanted to) and proceeded to slow down the financial frenzy and up the personal touches :) Our Christmas parties have all been casual, slim on the decorating, and SO much fun with SO many amazing people. And we've just begun! This slowed down on the frenzy of getting ready (although I do enjoy that part, WHEN I HAVE THE TIME!) and the stress of being late and still only having some of my makeup done.

Our presents are all wrapped, under a Christmas tree that is already decorated - those of you that know me, know that that means my husband did it for me, as well as the wrapping. He is currently on holidays. God bless that man *insert tears of joy here*. I have tried to wrap many presents over the years and I wrapped Trav's this year. and let's just say.. I have not improved. Ever.

As I sit here in my clean living room, typing by the light of tree and feeling really good about the fact that I just had a workout and then got to snuggle my baby, I would say I feel pretty accomplished for this time of year.

Aaaaaaaand then I look up from this post and see the wrapping paper, bags, empty baby bottles, stack of things we are trying to sell and dirty dishes; all just in the kitchen! And I remember that I still have so many things to do today, and tomorrow and that I haven't stopped to rest today except for right now and the fact that Christmas is only 2 days away and I still have 2 presents to pick up and cookies to bake... etc. etc.

I suddenly don't feel so accomplished. I can feel the stress returning. My face muscles tighten, my stomach feels heavier and my brain actually feels like the pressure is increasing. Can we really even TRY to stop the frenzy that surrounds Christmas-time?

And you know what? I think the answer to that is, to a point, no. Realistically, we just have more things that need doing, making, buying, and places to be, at Christmas. Does this mean that I have to have a thousand thoughts per second and react physically in a negative way? Also no!

(Give me a moment here while I purposely relax my muscles and practice what I'm about to preach...)

I'm very glad we made a few decisions this year that helped tone things down a little, but other than that, it's still super busy, and super crazy. So, instead of worrying about everything, I'm going to focus on those moments that make this time of year my absolute FAVOURITE.

-Creating things, and buying things for people that I get to give to them, knowing they are going to be so excited to receive it, just fills me with joy. The process itself is something I find so fun (my husband, not so much; next year I'm going shopping alone lol) and then getting to give to someone is just the icing on the cake. Or would it be the cake? I don't actually understand that saying and I really don't like cake....

-Okay reigning it back in; I love that everywhere I go people are saying Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays and there's a feeling in the air as everyone gets in to the festive mood.

-THE CHRISTMAS CAROLS! <3 all day, every day, it's a Pentatonix Christmas at our house.

-I get to see so many loved ones who live so far away at this time of year and I can't express how much that means to me. <3

-And really, let's not forget the food. Ohhh the delicious food at this time of year. The traditional dinners, the dips, the Christmas baking, the Christmas coffeebreak we have at work EVERY SINGLE DAY. It's really quite amazing.

-And most of all, for me, the moments I get to spend with Alex. She's learning so many new words and tricks, becoming so interactive, that I just can't believe I get to be best friends with her :') I just spent about ten minutes on the rocking chair with her; giving her a bottle while she played with my fingers and my heart is just so happy. I can hardly wait to share her experiencing Christmas for the rest of my life.

Despite the fact that it's been a busy day and you may have so much on your mind, like I do, if you can (and you really really should) just put it all aside for a bit and focus on the people who matter, you will feel less frenzied. And you will remember to enjoy everything that's happening instead.

Thank you Jesus, for blessing me with my family and for what you've done to get us here. I love you!

May you all have a very Merry Christmas (or Happy Holidays) and be able to rest in the spirit of family, friends and, I hope, insane Joy :D

Love & Grief

It's been awhile. I have no excuse. Just no inspiration ... I will apologize in advance for the length, but it's really not one I know how to shorten.

 

It's been a bit of a tough November/December. Some of the regular things; struggling not to overeat, wondering if I'm doing a good enough job parenting, feeling stressed, making myself too busy (hence the stress). All of these are self inflicted problems and there are times when my perspective is changed and I remember that.

One of those times was a life-altering string of moments that started on November 12th. My Grandpa passed away. </3 Oh how I miss him already.

 

It was somewhat expected, very peaceful and with his wife and all of his kids by his side. But it was still so rough. I've been very fortunate and I've never had to experience the grief of losing a loved one whom I was close to before, so this was a new emotion for me. Your body and brain do a really good job of taking you through the grieving process, so make sure you let them. I have learned that grief makes no sense and, in this case anyways, it is not a constant companion but rather one that strikes you at random. Like, when I was going through my list of who gets a Christmas card this year and I had to take Grandpa off the list. Or while driving to Ang's Pizza, I am hit with a memory of when I was a child and remembering the first time I realized my Grandpa's sense of humor was awesome and promptly burst into tears. In between these moments however; it just feels like he's still here, and that I'll get to go visit in a couple of days, you know?

 

In the last year and a half, my grandpa had been diagnosed with Temporal Cell Arteritis, causing a sudden permanent loss of vision in one eye, as well as Vascular Dementia and we slowly noticed a decline in his clarity. My uncle described it well; it's like a filing cabinet. All the information in the folders is still there, but it's as if someone knocked the cabinet over, so they are all mixed up.

 

At times he would know who I was, but not my name. Other times, he would know my name but not quite remember why he knew me. I'm sure there are so many of you who can relate to this, and for that I'm sorry. As a granddaughter it made sad and I can only imagine the depth of the emotion it stirred in his kids and my Grandma.

 

However, one of the really amazing parts in all of this, was that whenever I would bring my baby girl there.. he would be almost completely clear. To be fair, he always thought she was a boy and the fact that I named her Alex didn't help haha Maybe even caused it!

 Our conversation went like this: Me - 'Grandpa, he is actually a she.' Grandpa - 'she's a girl??' Me - 'Yes, even though her name is a boys name, she's a girl' Grandpa - 'oh boy. well, I'll just call her mine'  :')

But he knew he loved her and his sentences were clear and understandable every time he was with her.  Right up until 2 weeks before he passed away, they were still having a hoot together; playing soccer and giving kisses. It meant the world to me. And, in typical Grandpa fashion (this never changed) as soon as she would cry, he would tell us we could go home. haha!

One other amazing part of this time in my life, is the people around us. I didn't even think about what to expect in this area, but I have never seen or felt such an outpouring of love from so many of those who I know and even those who I don't. So many cards, flowers, prayers, kind words and hugs. It was absolutely overwhelming in such a beautiful way. Thank you. People need people, and you know what? That's a good thing.

 

Watching my Grandparents together was possibly the best and most painful part. It took my breath away. He was always looking for her and when sitting in his wheelchair and with her standing beside, he would hold on to her hand or finger. She sat beside his bed and held his hand, even when he couldn't open his eyes because she knew that he could feel it. This is love in one of it's purest forms and I will forever look to that as my inspiration.

 

I miss him. I miss his little chuckle, his cute face, the way he sang Johnny Cash to Alex, the way he and Grandma love each other, the way he sat at the window and waited when he knew we were coming, his jokes, his teasing and the face he made after because he knew there would be a retaliation and he loved that, and the fact that our center in our family is no longer complete. I miss him.

 

My sister put it really well. She said; although there is now a gaping hole in our family, it is a beautiful privilege to say good-bye to someone who lived such a full life. :')

 

We love you Grandpa, and we can't wait to see you again.