PART TWO
Easter Sunday was two
weeks away.
I was scheduled to sing
lead for praise and worship. I was supposed to worship. To declare
His victory and His Love for His people. While in a black hole. At
first I seriously thought about asking someone to switch with me,
wondered if I should even be up there at all anymore.
But thank the
Lord we do not have to be perfect in order to worship. In order to
inspire and in order to be used by God. We don't even have to have
complete confidence in what we are doing in order to worship.
Singing is the MOST potent place for me. I connect to Father that way
the strongest. I feel Him there. I know He is with me and I”m
overwhelmed in so many ways when I do. So I knew that I needed to do
it. And although as a lead worshipper you are supposed to do exactly
that, I knew this one would be for me. And I asked the Father to use
that for others anyways as I would be focused elsewhere.
During these two weeks
before Easter Sunday I get sick. And it gets worse. And all the kids have been and are still sick. And nobody is sleeping. So i get worse. Well, by Wednesday I
didn't have much of a voice and could barely breathe in every few
seconds without coughing. No way on earth was I going to be able to
sing. So I emailed for a backup, someone to take my place. (by backup/replacement I mean another lead singer) And she said sure but wait to
decide till closer. So I prayed and I took everything I could
possibly take naturally and tylenols and more tylenols.
By Saturday I was somehow just barely able
to sing through every song except one. So I told my replacement that
and how I really wanted to sing but I didn't want to ruin everyone's worship and blah blah. So much indecisiveness but inside I was
telling God that I desperately needed to sing. Because the song
Reckless Love was added a few days before... and that's the one.
I knew it. I felt it so
surely in me that I felt absolutely panicked. If I didn't sing that song,
I wasn't sure what was going to happen to me. No peace here. I tried.
I tried to believe He
would heal me in time. But man.... that's hard. And for something so
'unimportant' but so so important. And although my replacement had no
idea what I was all thinking and going through, she was like 'oh I'll
come to rehearsal but you try it out.' She was so willing to help but
try her hardest to get me to be able to sing. It was such a relief.
Please God, make it work. I want to sing. “You will.” I
heard that so many times, even as I wondered if I could be any more
selfish.
Rehearsal time. Sunday
morning. New songs so we practiced them over and over. Belting them
out. I knew immediately I wouldn't be able to do one of them for
sure, not if I wanted to sing Reckless Love. So my amazing
replacement said 'Oh well I can do that one and you do the others.'
Again, so willing to make it work .. and had no idea what this was
meaning to me.
The Easter service
started. We sang our songs, she sang the one.. and I did it! I was
able to sing them! And Reckless Love was beautiful and moving. And I
was so thankful. I really had heard Him say “You will.” it wasn't
just me. He listened, He answered. He knows my love language, He
knows how I connect with Him and He made sure that I was able to do
so. It proved something to me .. but it didn't break me (yet) like I thought
it would.
And all hell broke loose.
Now I'm not saying this was happening just because of my specific
situation but most definitely I believe the devil didn't want anyone
getting anything out of this Easter service. After a Spirit filled
worship, we had not one, but two people collapse and be taken to the
hospital. Right then and there. And what did our pastors do? They did
not sweep it under the rug, they did not preach their planned
sermons, they got us all praying together, everyone stretching out
their hands. We prayed for healing, for peace. The ambulance came and
they were taken away (to be safely and healthily released just a few
hours later!) and we spent the entire morning praising and
worshipping and praying!! and there's no possible way that should
have worked with my voice the way it was. And the point wasn't that
it was my voice that was needed for praise and worship. It was that I
needed to do it, for me. And He knew that.
And He used that for
others as well. Not just me. And nothing stopped us from having an
amazing morning of not just a regular Easter service with the story..
but pure freedom.
“He called my name,
and I ran out of that grave”. I have NEVER felt that level of
freedom on stage ever. Or maybe anywhere in my life ever. We sang Reckless Love
two more times yet at the end and although I could not talk - ask the
band members baha I sounded like a growly scratchy barely there
whisper voice - BUT I SANG. And not only did I sing. I YELLED. I
moved. I cried! Hard. And sang still! I wish that I could convey
these feelings through these words but it's just not possible. It's
like I blacked out but was still able to feel, everything. I wish I
had video, so you could see me. So I could see what it looked like.
But it really doesn't matter. Because those who were there (for sure
some anyways) felt it. And felt their own freedom.
It was like nothing I had
ever experienced. The band is so so amazing and their music just
flows through the singers and the harmonies and the support from my
replacement who ended up just joining me (which is the best!) was
beyond magical. Strong and powerful and free. I both remember
everything and remember nothing except the feeling. It's amazing.
I was so happy. I told my
husband. This was it. I was finally pulled out of my black hole. No
more black holes. He fought for me and He was relentless and He made
sure He chased me down. I was loved. Secure. No matter what, I told
myself, I will always remember this moment.
And I woke up the next
morning in so much pain. Still a nech-ache, still a headache (8 extra
strength tylenols throughout the day didn't touch it.. this is insane
for me, i usually take one in like an 8 hour stretch) still sick. And
I tried desperately to hold on to my feelings from the day before
because I knew that they were going to last. Just because my
situation wasn't much better than the day before, didn't mean I
couldn't be any better. And the next day.. the same. And Wednesday...
a bit better, but the kids were just... well.. they made a lot of bad
decisions. Ha. it was an extremely hard parenting day. And i worried.
I was scared the black hole was waiting for me. That i would be so
easily deceived and forget so quickly.
But i made a decision on
Wednesday. I knew that there was a very big thing holding me back.
If you've been following
for a while you know that I'm constantly battling a food addiction;
emotional eating. You will know that I have breakthroughs and
setbacks. And the last month while everyone and myself have been
sick.. i haven't been able to work out. Almost at all. And its not
for lack of wanting to or even trying. Physically it was not
possible. And then my motivation to eat healthy disappeared too and i
ate emotionally basically every day.
And I knew that although
God had found me. And proven to me in more than one way just how
badly He wanted me to see His love for me, that it was time for me to
do something too. Not just for Him, although that was the most
important reason, but for myself.
Although I still hurt too much to
workout, I could be healthier. I could honor His sacrifice and His
love by loving myself as well. Taking care of me. Just like a
Father/Mother wants for their child to do.. Father God/Mother God
wants us to do so too.
Since I couldn't show a
change immediately as it takes time and also I had just eaten so I
couldn't make any great decisions (other than not eating more while
full) I knew what I needed to do. I went through our house and threw
away the snacks. The junk. The things I wait to eat until everyone is
asleep and nobody can watch how much I'm actually consuming. Or see
that I'm eating yet again, while full. And its unhealthy. I threw it
into the garbage can. And I stayed up late making a meal plan.
Because i KNOW this about myself, that if I don't write it down, I
will eat everything and anything as opposed to what is written. So I
made the meal plan. I threw out the junk and as I was falling asleep
I realized hey... my head doesn't hurt anymore.
And here are the texts I
sent to my sister THIS MORNING. Thursday, April 5.:
“My
three week long headache and neckache and stiffness are comPLETELY
gone! I've been taking like 6-8 extra strength tylenols a day (which
for me is basically an overdose ha) and it was barely touching it and
today NOTHING
I
have already played with the kids, cooked a brand new healthy meal,
made a meal plan and I'm still feeling GOOD
Not
even exhausted!!!
Still
coughing but not nearly as bad and EVERYBODY ELSE IS HEALTHY
That
means I can finally start working out!!!!!
I
feel so positive.
I
felt amazing after Easter Sunday cuz of the service and then still
sick the next day and then yesterday was just that black hole all
over again and I cried like six times and felt overwhelmed and my
neck and head just hurt so bad and all I could think about was
drowning my sorrows in food and the kids were crying and clingy and
Alex was mean and destructive and I just felt like a mess and I
thought no that's not what the point of my freedom was and what
the point of His story is.. Even if I feel like shit I can at
least still be out of this dark pit and feel hope and so VERY
BEGRUDGINGLY I turned on praise and worship and me and the kids
listened for like literally hours and slooooooowly I started crying
less and slowwwwwwly I started feeling, not good, but more ok ish and
then I decided to throw away all the junk away and into the garbage.
Enough was enough. You know you can go buy more but it's symbolic and
at least I won't eat my way through to them being Gone. And the day
ended great! Not bedtime but once the kids were finally sleeping by
midnight my headache and neckache TOTALLY disappeared and I had so
much energy and was up till 4am being productive and then watching
Netflix ha I was so scared this morning i would feel like crap cuz I
couldn't fall asleep till after 5 but i woke up from Alex at 9 am and
I just.. GOT OUT OF BED! Like immediately! That NEVER happens.
ESPECIALLY not this last month. It was so cool!!!!! And still no
pain!!!!
I
totally believe it's partly becuz of the decision I made to throw
away those snacks and then I made a meal plan so now I'm intentional.
SO COOL. I'm very happy! And believing it's gonna stay and I'm gonna
do my brain detox so I can be strong to make good habits”
**side
note.. this brain detox exercise is amazing and only takes like ten
minutes a day. You can re-wire your thinking and its very helpful if
you're a toxic thinker or have anxiety:
https://www.21daybraindetox.com/
it has saved me emotionally many times.**
And
the whole day was amazing. There were timeouts for the toddler, there
was one clingy twin and one twin who had a hard time pooping. But I
felt great and I actually cooked a meal, and a healthy one, and I
kept my cool a whole lot better than normal (after the toddler dumped
all her cheerios on the coffee table and crunched them all with her
rubber boots on into a fine powder that went, well.. everywhere.. for
one example anyways). And I felt hope.
And
I know it's here to stay. Because although the high of the Easter day
was real, it was also a peak moment. And now this was also something I
did as well. I chose something. I'm choosing this. To continue with
the good decisions. To be intentional. To read Romans. To believe He
is good.
To pray for strength, wisdom and peace along with healing
instead of only healing. I am confident that I am no longer lost.
I
am confident that I will continue to have stress and hard times and
some dark days. BUT I am confident that I will still be found during
them and know that I am found and have the coping skills and the
strength to make it through. Oh what a wonderful thing to know you
are so deeply loved. I want to spend the rest of my life learning
more about it. And passing it on as well. <3 we are all so
important. So worthy. No matter what your character is, what your
life looks like. You are loved. I am loved. We are loved.
Nothing
tops that :')
<3
also,
holy crap if you read this far.. thank you. We are now friends for
life. :D haha
but
seriously. I so appreciate it. You know me well now, and have helped
in my therapeutic way of handling things and getting things out.
Hopefully something in there will speak to you. That you are not
alone, or You are on the right track or even just the one line: You
are loved. Never stop trying to believe that. It is Truth. You
can do this.
Since
I tend to ramble and maybe you didn't quite make it but scrolled to
the bottom (no judgements here ha):
IN
SUMMARY – It's been almost a week since I wrote this and I am in a
good place. It's not a perfect place. I still have meltdowns, anger,
a migraine, another sick kid. I'm still not 'myself' yet.. but I've
changed my focus. Instead of expecting results immediately (whether
through prayer or through my decisions) I am working on being content
no matter the situation. My counselor put it really well and I will
paraphrase here: “There will always be pain in this world. It's a
fact. However.. you can decide you will either spend all your time
and energy and stress trying to change the outcome of an
uncontrollable pain or you can spend it on drawing strength from
whatever it is you do (prayer, God, meditation, self care etc.) and
learning to healthily get through the pain. Feel it and be able to
handle it and move forward. It's when you try to change the outcome
(of something over which you have no control) then you yourself add
the suffering.”
So..
my prayers have changed. I finally/still believe God is good. I saw
Him come after me; prove He was listening. He does love me. I still
believe in miracles; have seen some and will continue to pray for
them. HOWEVER. I am now going to focus on asking Him for strength and
peace, patience and contentment. That I will love and enjoy
motherhood, that I will stop worrying about all the things. That
instead of healing my food addiction (altho i'm always open to that
lol) to make me more aware so I can change my habits easier.
Awareness
and strength. Even though there is pain, I don't want to add the
suffering. And I've already seen a difference. I'm a bit more calm..
although I still feel some anxiety when i hear a cough or someone wake
up at night. . I can remember that it's ok that not everything is
alright. I have a Father who is with me. I'm never alone. And His
purpose is to Love me, and that means carry me through. Not just to
survive, but to move forward, no matter what the circumstance.
I've
also, as a practical measure, decided to start a Gratitude &
Revelation Journal. I will not try to summarize or write the whole
story down when I journal. I will simply write the good things, the
hard but necessary things, the lessons learned, the epiphanies and
kind moments I noticed every day. This will help me to go back during
the rough times and the confusing times. Remind me what I know to be
True and what I all have to be thankful for. For some reason it's
easy to forget, probably because it's so uplifting and we need it.
This will help.
And
forward I will move :)