April 15, 2018

The Black Hole: Part 1


PART ONE

The black hole.
Endless. Dark. Frightening and Exhausting. A never-ending, swirling heaviness.

You guys. Although I've obviously had so many beautiful and amazing times this last year, I've also honestly just been stuck there. In this black hole.

I can't really describe it. I'm sure you've seen my posts and that they are a bit up and down. Finding the positive and then sinking back down. Disappearing for a while then coming back. Maybe the best way to explain it would be that my happiness has been heavily situation based, as opposed to joy coming from within no matter what. I've had tastes of that here and there but really.. I've just been in this pit that I'm climbing, trying to get to the top but I'm so tired and nothing is going right because I never sleep. Just when I think I can see the top, someone gets sick or we have three weeks of two hour nights or my prayers - that I felt were a necessity - were not answered how I thought they should have been. Healing didn't come, sleep didn't come, help didn't come. At least not as much as I thought it should.

I started to wonder why God didn't care about my basic needs. My sanity.

I've had so many up and down moments with the Father this last year. I didn't totally notice for the first long while.. everything is so blurry. Two babies and no sleep, honestly it just really does a number on you.

None of these things are “serious”. None of them are life threatening. None of them are really even bad. It was a just slow seeping exhaustion that took over me.

And suddenly a few weeks ago I found myself in a place where I didn't believe that when I prayed for my babies at night that they would be calm, pain-free. I found myself in a place wondering why I bothered to pray at all. Although I knew I couldn't deny the Father's existence due to SO many incredible and some even almost unbelievable experiences in my life, I just didn't know where I stood past that. I've seen Him heal people I've prayed over. So why, why wouldn't my babies just SLEEP. Why weren't they as important as those others? Why is anyone?

But I know God isn't a God of favourites. I was reeling. This meant I truly would most likely never have an answer to why certain prayers go unanswered. Or whatever it's called when you don't see an immediate result how you expect. I am an optimist at heart so to feel so pessimistic and to realize that your everlasting hope has been dying for a year and you just realize it now, it hits hard.

And so it hit. Boom. Just like that. I spent the day crying off and on, being incredibly snappy, feeling completely dark on the inside of my soul. I couldn't see my beautiful children right in front of me. I only saw the hard. The disobedience. The lack of sleep. The messy house. The unkempt me. My lack of response to my encouraging husband. My failures as a mother. As a wife. As a homemaker. What on earth made God decide that I was to be a mother, never mind to twins? I spent the day questioning His wisdom. I spent the day wondering why He never listens to my desperate pleas in the night. Why He doesn't care. Why doesn't He love me? What do I need to do to make Him just love me? Why was I so unworthy of His attention?

And I did nothing about it. I didn't listen to music. I didn't journal. I didn't meditate. I didn't ask for help. I just felt. And it was honestly so horrible. I will never forget this day. I DID go for a walk with the family. Which eased some of it. But I still went to bed with zero joy. Almost zero hope. And lots of dark.

The next morning, of course, was a Sunday. Church. Yeaaaaah not in the mood. But I don't like to not do things just because I'm in a bad mood, especially when they're things my family looks forward to.

And Lo and Behold; the message was ALL about the character of God. And how Good He is. I spent the first half being really snarky and sarcastic in my head. And also really despondent and questioning. Responding to everything the pastor said in my mind with a “yes BUT then WHY this..”. It got me nowhere. And then he said something. Something about how we can't let situations take over. We can't let something or anyone deceive us into believing that God is different. He never changes. His goodness always is, no matter what kind of negative things this world bears down on us. Now, these are words of a man, inspired by the bible and I believe the Holy Spirit. Take what you want/need from them.. research yourself. But they moved me. They shook my core. Here are the notes I took:

The character of Jesus,His life we see in the new testament; None of it shows the life or mindset of a God who creates and then destroys or gives and takes away. Job said that. Not Jesus. That's just his perspective. Don't rewrite who Jesus' character is .. He is the exact representation of the Father. The trinity is one. One didn't come to give and take away and one come to give life and life more abundantly .. He is only One.
When you believe wrongly about the character of God, when you listen to the whispers, even though He has never changed, then you lose that intimacy with Him (just like if a spouse believes a lie of their partner)
Never let your life define how amazing He is. Jesus is the measuring stick of Gods love. What He did and didn't do is what is Truth.
God didn't make the world the way it is now, sin did.
You need to be strong in the Word not strong in opinion.
You need to create a foundation on the Word and from your time you've dedicated to and with Him, not one you've pieced together from opinions and bits of others.”

It dawned on me that that is exactly what I had done. I had spent this entire last year being extremely unaware of most things spiritual and putting in next to nothing with my relationship with Jesus. It had been completely one-sided. Him providing peace when I would let Him, providing help when I reached out and asked others for it.. and when I couldn't have it or when the kids didn't sleep, well.. I'm still here aren't I? Clearly I've made it through.

And there've been moments, conveniently always after a day where I actually spent time listening to praise and worship or praying something other than a request or f-word (altho thankfully He listens and cares about those prayers too) and actually being part of the relationship, where I've had happiness or calm despite the escalating situation.
I also spent that year looking at others. Comparing how their lives looked like they were doing as opposed to mine. Which is never smart and is completely inaccurate. Literally nobody I know has the same life. Cuz that's the point. So it does me no good to determine my failures because of other people's “successes”.
What is success anyways? What is love? I have most definitely been seeing it as immediately answered prayers that mean a perfect life.
THIS IS UNATTAINABLE. He has never said there would not be hard times. “God didn't make the world the way it is, sin did.” There's going to be shit thrown at you all the time. In the form of anything and everything! And honestly.. had I even once just asked Him for strength to get through something?? No, I don't think so. All I did was beg Him to change everything so that it would all just go perfectly so I could be happy. And cry and yell and swear when He didn't make my life perfect or answer with a yes within 30 seconds. And then I would feel guilty that I even wished for anything better when I have it so good if I actually stop to think about it. SO so good. So what was wrong with me? Why was I like this? So ungrateful. So so so tired.

And I decided I did still believe He was good. I still don't understand basically anything about a lot of the unanswered (or so it seems) prayers. But I have fresh eyes. When I look back now I see the extra hour of sleep here or there. I see the answered prayers that didn't happen within 30 seconds but did within an hour. I see the viral infections that only lasted 1.5 weeks as opposed to the 'regular' 3 according to the doctor. I see that I have made it till today. And my kids know they are loved. They've seen me cry and heard me yell and heard me apologize. But they are stable and confident in knowing they are loved.

Nothing lasts forever. My mantra after having my first child when I had some mild postpartum depression was 'It can't last forever'. Everything I've ever been upset about has either ended or I've at least been given breaks in between to refuel for the next fight.
Also, My husband is phenomenal. He has helped as much as he can, while still working full-time, getting our business off the ground, and loving/handling this woman who most likely he hasn't recognized for half this time (or more). . All while being a wonderful dad who the kids can't get enough of.
I look and I see the village that has helped and supported us. Both physically by doing things or bringing me coffees when they know I didn't sleep or mentally and spiritually by checking in and by praying and following God's prompting to send me encouraging notes/texts. He has been there through His people. Day in and day out.

I was far too focused on the hurts and the tiredness and the overwhelming forever-feeling-ness of it all that I couldn't see those things.

But it doesn't end here. It's not just a happy fairy-tale after that. I left the service deciding that I still believed He was good. But I'm like Gideon and I always need proof. I still felt isolated. Like He was far away and maybe didn't love me as much as I had always been taught. And I was too tired to go seek Him. That's what they tell you right; seek and you shall find. Which IS true. Don't get me wrong. BUT. I was just still too tired. And the day before had really broken and exhausted me. And so I prayed a song over myself; RecklessLove.  (worth the listen, till the end)  
“Oh the overwhelming, never-ending, reckless love of God. Oh it chases me down, fights till I'm found, leaves the 99. I couldn't earn it, I don't deserve it, still You give yourself away. Oh the overwhelming, never-ending, reckless love of God”.

God. I need you to do that. Chase me down. Fight for me. Please leave the 99 and come find me. and we left church and I cried some more. A piece of my soul was settled. I had the future hope because I knew that deep down I knew what I believed. But half of me still felt so very lost, feeling alone and unloved. As if He hadn't already proved enough by dying, defeating evil and rising again. . Or through many other instances in my life. No, I needed more. 

Not even two hours later I received a text from a friend. She says she normally never does things like this.. but she felt compelled to send me a prayer. She SPECIFICALLY mentioned that even if I read it later, it was for right now. And while I won't type out the whole thing as it's personal, one line just shot to my inner being: “Help her to know you won't ever forget her” COULD THAT BE ANY MORE EXACT?! My biggest fear. Rejection. That i'm unworthy. Unloveable. Easily forgotten. Not important.

NOT TRUE. He has left the 99. He is chasing me down. I cried some more. SHEESH WHY ALL THE CRYING ALL THE TIMES.
Another weight lifted off of me. I could breathe easier. But you guys. The fight for a soul, for a spirit, for Love and for a life is not easily won. (and this is a tame story compared to so many I have heard in the fight for a soul. But it doesn't feel that way, not when it's you. And when you're aware of it.) I still was not entirely sure. I still felt that pieces of me were in that pit. The black hole was still swirling and although shafts of light were piercing it and breaking it up, I could feel my grip was shaky on the edge of that pit. I was at the top but I couldn't pull myself out. I knew what was going to do it. I needed to sing that song. I knew He was going to fight till I was found. And somehow I knew when it was going to happen.

Easter Sunday.

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Stay tuned for Part 2 :)

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