The Black Hole: Part 2

PART TWO

Easter Sunday was two weeks away.

I was scheduled to sing lead for praise and worship. I was supposed to worship. To declare His victory and His Love for His people. While in a black hole. At first I seriously thought about asking someone to switch with me, wondered if I should even be up there at all anymore.

But thank the Lord we do not have to be perfect in order to worship. In order to inspire and in order to be used by God. We don't even have to have complete confidence in what we are doing in order to worship. 

Singing is the MOST potent place for me. I connect to Father that way the strongest. I feel Him there. I know He is with me and I”m overwhelmed in so many ways when I do. So I knew that I needed to do it. And although as a lead worshipper you are supposed to do exactly that, I knew this one would be for me. And I asked the Father to use that for others anyways as I would be focused elsewhere.

During these two weeks before Easter Sunday I get sick. And it gets worse. And all the kids have been and are still sick. And nobody is sleeping. So i get worse. Well, by Wednesday I didn't have much of a voice and could barely breathe in every few seconds without coughing. No way on earth was I going to be able to sing. So I emailed for a backup, someone to take my place. (by backup/replacement I mean another lead singer) And she said sure but wait to decide till closer. So I prayed and I took everything I could possibly take naturally and tylenols and more tylenols.

By Saturday I was somehow just barely able to sing through every song except one. So I told my replacement that and how I really wanted to sing but I didn't want to ruin everyone's worship and blah blah. So much indecisiveness but inside I was telling God that I desperately needed to sing. Because the song Reckless Love was added a few days before... and that's the one.

I knew it. I felt it so surely in me that I felt absolutely panicked. If I didn't sing that song, I wasn't sure what was going to happen to me. No peace here. I tried.

I tried to believe He would heal me in time. But man.... that's hard. And for something so 'unimportant' but so so important. And although my replacement had no idea what I was all thinking and going through, she was like 'oh I'll come to rehearsal but you try it out.' She was so willing to help but try her hardest to get me to be able to sing. It was such a relief. Please God, make it work. I want to sing. “You will.” I heard that so many times, even as I wondered if I could be any more selfish.

Rehearsal time. Sunday morning. New songs so we practiced them over and over. Belting them out. I knew immediately I wouldn't be able to do one of them for sure, not if I wanted to sing Reckless Love. So my amazing replacement said 'Oh well I can do that one and you do the others.' Again, so willing to make it work .. and had no idea what this was meaning to me.

The Easter service started. We sang our songs, she sang the one.. and I did it! I was able to sing them! And Reckless Love was beautiful and moving. And I was so thankful. I really had heard Him say “You will.” it wasn't just me. He listened, He answered. He knows my love language, He knows how I connect with Him and He made sure that I was able to do so. It proved something to me .. but it didn't break me (yet) like I thought it would.

And all hell broke loose. Now I'm not saying this was happening just because of my specific situation but most definitely I believe the devil didn't want anyone getting anything out of this Easter service. After a Spirit filled worship, we had not one, but two people collapse and be taken to the hospital. Right then and there. And what did our pastors do? They did not sweep it under the rug, they did not preach their planned sermons, they got us all praying together, everyone stretching out their hands. We prayed for healing, for peace. The ambulance came and they were taken away (to be safely and healthily released just a few hours later!) and we spent the entire morning praising and worshipping and praying!! and there's no possible way that should have worked with my voice the way it was. And the point wasn't that it was my voice that was needed for praise and worship. It was that I needed to do it, for me. And He knew that.

And He used that for others as well. Not just me. And nothing stopped us from having an amazing morning of not just a regular Easter service with the story.. but pure freedom.

“He called my name, and I ran out of that grave”. I have NEVER felt that level of freedom on stage ever. Or maybe anywhere in my life ever. We sang Reckless Love two more times yet at the end and although I could not talk - ask the band members baha I sounded like a growly scratchy barely there whisper voice - BUT I SANG. And not only did I sing. I YELLED. I moved. I cried! Hard. And sang still! I wish that I could convey these feelings through these words but it's just not possible. It's like I blacked out but was still able to feel, everything. I wish I had video, so you could see me. So I could see what it looked like. But it really doesn't matter. Because those who were there (for sure some anyways) felt it. And felt their own freedom.

It was like nothing I had ever experienced. The band is so so amazing and their music just flows through the singers and the harmonies and the support from my replacement who ended up just joining me (which is the best!) was beyond magical. Strong and powerful and free. I both remember everything and remember nothing except the feeling. It's amazing.

I was so happy. I told my husband. This was it. I was finally pulled out of my black hole. No more black holes. He fought for me and He was relentless and He made sure He chased me down. I was loved. Secure. No matter what, I told myself, I will always remember this moment.

And I woke up the next morning in so much pain. Still a nech-ache, still a headache (8 extra strength tylenols throughout the day didn't touch it.. this is insane for me, i usually take one in like an 8 hour stretch) still sick. And I tried desperately to hold on to my feelings from the day before because I knew that they were going to last. Just because my situation wasn't much better than the day before, didn't mean I couldn't be any better. And the next day.. the same. And Wednesday... a bit better, but the kids were just... well.. they made a lot of bad decisions. Ha. it was an extremely hard parenting day. And i worried. I was scared the black hole was waiting for me. That i would be so easily deceived and forget so quickly. 

But i made a decision on Wednesday. I knew that there was a very big thing holding me back.

If you've been following for a while you know that I'm constantly battling a food addiction; emotional eating. You will know that I have breakthroughs and setbacks. And the last month while everyone and myself have been sick.. i haven't been able to work out. Almost at all. And its not for lack of wanting to or even trying. Physically it was not possible. And then my motivation to eat healthy disappeared too and i ate emotionally basically every day.

And I knew that although God had found me. And proven to me in more than one way just how badly He wanted me to see His love for me, that it was time for me to do something too. Not just for Him, although that was the most important reason, but for myself. 

Although I still hurt too much to workout, I could be healthier. I could honor His sacrifice and His love by loving myself as well. Taking care of me. Just like a Father/Mother wants for their child to do.. Father God/Mother God wants us to do so too.

Since I couldn't show a change immediately as it takes time and also I had just eaten so I couldn't make any great decisions (other than not eating more while full) I knew what I needed to do. I went through our house and threw away the snacks. The junk. The things I wait to eat until everyone is asleep and nobody can watch how much I'm actually consuming. Or see that I'm eating yet again, while full. And its unhealthy. I threw it into the garbage can. And I stayed up late making a meal plan. Because i KNOW this about myself, that if I don't write it down, I will eat everything and anything as opposed to what is written. So I made the meal plan. I threw out the junk and as I was falling asleep I realized hey... my head doesn't hurt anymore.

And here are the texts I sent to my sister THIS MORNING. Thursday, April 5.:

“My three week long headache and neckache and stiffness are comPLETELY gone! I've been taking like 6-8 extra strength tylenols a day (which for me is basically an overdose ha) and it was barely touching it and today NOTHING

I have already played with the kids, cooked a brand new healthy meal, made a meal plan and I'm still feeling GOOD

Not even exhausted!!!

Still coughing but not nearly as bad and EVERYBODY ELSE IS HEALTHY

That means I can finally start working out!!!!!

I feel so positive.

I felt amazing after Easter Sunday cuz of the service and then still sick the next day and then yesterday was just that black hole all over again and I cried like six times and felt overwhelmed and my neck and head just hurt so bad and all I could think about was drowning my sorrows in food and the kids were crying and clingy and Alex was mean and destructive and I just felt like a mess and I thought no that's not what the point of my freedom was and what the point of His story is.. Even if I feel like shit I can at least still be out of this dark pit and feel hope and so VERY BEGRUDGINGLY I turned on praise and worship and me and the kids listened for like literally hours and slooooooowly I started crying less and slowwwwwwly I started feeling, not good, but more ok ish and then I decided to throw away all the junk away and into the garbage. Enough was enough. You know you can go buy more but it's symbolic and at least I won't eat my way through to them being Gone. And the day ended great! Not bedtime but once the kids were finally sleeping by midnight my headache and neckache TOTALLY disappeared and I had so much energy and was up till 4am being productive and then watching Netflix ha I was so scared this morning i would feel like crap cuz I couldn't fall asleep till after 5 but i woke up from Alex at 9 am and I just.. GOT OUT OF BED! Like immediately! That NEVER happens. ESPECIALLY not this last month. It was so cool!!!!! And still no pain!!!!

I totally believe it's partly becuz of the decision I made to throw away those snacks and then I made a meal plan so now I'm intentional. SO COOL. I'm very happy! And believing it's gonna stay and I'm gonna do my brain detox so I can be strong to make good habits”

**side note.. this brain detox exercise is amazing and only takes like ten minutes a day. You can re-wire your thinking and its very helpful if you're a toxic thinker or have anxiety: https://www.21daybraindetox.com/ it has saved me emotionally many times.**

And the whole day was amazing. There were timeouts for the toddler, there was one clingy twin and one twin who had a hard time pooping. But I felt great and I actually cooked a meal, and a healthy one, and I kept my cool a whole lot better than normal (after the toddler dumped all her cheerios on the coffee table and crunched them all with her rubber boots on into a fine powder that went, well.. everywhere.. for one example anyways). And I felt hope.

And I know it's here to stay. Because although the high of the Easter day was real, it was also a peak moment. And now this was also something I did as well. I chose something. I'm choosing this. To continue with the good decisions. To be intentional. To read Romans. To believe He is good. 

To pray for strength, wisdom and peace along with healing instead of only healing. I am confident that I am no longer lost.

I am confident that I will continue to have stress and hard times and some dark days. BUT I am confident that I will still be found during them and know that I am found and have the coping skills and the strength to make it through. Oh what a wonderful thing to know you are so deeply loved. I want to spend the rest of my life learning more about it. And passing it on as well. <3 we are all so important. So worthy. No matter what your character is, what your life looks like. You are loved. I am loved. We are loved.

Nothing tops that :')

<3

also, holy crap if you read this far.. thank you. We are now friends for life. :D haha

but seriously. I so appreciate it. You know me well now, and have helped in my therapeutic way of handling things and getting things out. Hopefully something in there will speak to you. That you are not alone, or You are on the right track or even just the one line: You are loved. Never stop trying to believe that. It is Truth. You can do this.

Since I tend to ramble and maybe you didn't quite make it but scrolled to the bottom (no judgements here ha):

IN SUMMARY – It's been almost a week since I wrote this and I am in a good place. It's not a perfect place. I still have meltdowns, anger, a migraine, another sick kid. I'm still not 'myself' yet.. but I've changed my focus. Instead of expecting results immediately (whether through prayer or through my decisions) I am working on being content no matter the situation. My counselor put it really well and I will paraphrase here: “There will always be pain in this world. It's a fact. However.. you can decide you will either spend all your time and energy and stress trying to change the outcome of an uncontrollable pain or you can spend it on drawing strength from whatever it is you do (prayer, God, meditation, self care etc.) and learning to healthily get through the pain. Feel it and be able to handle it and move forward. It's when you try to change the outcome (of something over which you have no control) then you yourself add the suffering.”

So.. my prayers have changed. I finally/still believe God is good. I saw Him come after me; prove He was listening. He does love me. I still believe in miracles; have seen some and will continue to pray for them. HOWEVER. I am now going to focus on asking Him for strength and peace, patience and contentment. That I will love and enjoy motherhood, that I will stop worrying about all the things. That instead of healing my food addiction (altho i'm always open to that lol) to make me more aware so I can change my habits easier.

Awareness and strength. Even though there is pain, I don't want to add the suffering. And I've already seen a difference. I'm a bit more calm.. although I still feel some anxiety when i hear a cough or someone wake up at night. . I can remember that it's ok that not everything is alright. I have a Father who is with me. I'm never alone. And His purpose is to Love me, and that means carry me through. Not just to survive, but to move forward, no matter what the circumstance.

I've also, as a practical measure, decided to start a Gratitude & Revelation Journal. I will not try to summarize or write the whole story down when I journal. I will simply write the good things, the hard but necessary things, the lessons learned, the epiphanies and kind moments I noticed every day. This will help me to go back during the rough times and the confusing times. Remind me what I know to be True and what I all have to be thankful for. For some reason it's easy to forget, probably because it's so uplifting and we need it. This will help.

And forward I will move :)