Where to begin? I am writing this for so many reasons. <3
1. I need to update a lot of people in my life about where
I’m at; physically, mentally and spiritually and it’s just too much to text.
2. I need to write out my experiences that I’ve had over the
last three weeks to do the final processing for myself.
3. If I have forgotten something I have promised to do, missed
a hang out or haven’t texted you back recently; this post will explain why.
4. I hope that by sharing something personal, we can all
feel a little more like we know each other and maybe others will share as well.
I love the sense of connection and the bravery I see when people talk about
their current situations instead of just saying; nothings new, you?
I don’t know how else to write this out, other than like a
story of my last few months, with some personal thoughts stuck in at random. It
will be lengthy, for I don’t really know how to summarize. I’ve never been good
at that, so I’ll apologize in advance! The grammar will also be atrocious. Stick
with me; it’s a happy ending J
Here goes:
For many months after I had Alex, I was at a reasonable
weight. Just a bit over what would be considered healthy at my height and age.
I gained a bit after I stopped nursing, but nothing to be concerned about. I
just needed to adjust my diet and portion sizes, this I knew. However, around April
I had gained a bit more without changing anything for the worse and wasn’t
losing like I normally would when I adjust things for the better. I also
couldn’t seem to get myself to do much.. some days were okay, some days I felt
like I had no energy, and most days I woke up feeling exactly like I did before
I fell asleep, tired. I also had some nausea; I could hear the blood rushing in
my ears and a few other things that were bothering me, so I decided to go to
the clinic. Those of you who know me, know that I do not go to see the doctor
very easily. They did some blood tests and an ultrasound.. but I never heard
back. My mom told me to go ask for results because sometimes (doctors are also
human) they don’t get around to telling you if something was wrong.. but I
didn’t listen. At age 24 you should know by now that your mother knows things.
Lol I was just too tired to do anything about it and too tired to care.
In the month of June I gained 20 pounds. 20 pounds in 30
days. And I just couldn’t seem to lose it. My blood pressure was up to about
150/105 and I started to see flashes of light, sparkles, floaters, streaks and
I had headaches probably 4-5 days out of the week. I went back to the doctor.
He said he couldn’t see anything wrong with my eyes but that I needed to go to
the optometrist within 5 days. I asked him about my blood tests I had done in
April and he took a look for me. Sure enough, my thyroid wasn’t working. I
believe the term is Hypothyroidism. My understanding is that my body was
creating anti-bodies against the hormone the thyroid creates; so it was no
longer creating it. This completely explained the weight gain and the utter
exhaustion. A part of me was sad that now I was told I had to be on pills for
the rest of my life (again, those of you who know me, know that I will be
seeking natural methods on top of the synthetic hormone from the doctor so that
hopefully I won’t have to forever) and part of me was SO relieved that there
was an explanation. I was not just a lazy, obese human. The guilt was lifted.
Guilt is so useless anyways, I wish I would recognize that during the feeling as
well.. lol oh well, lesson learned yet again!
On Friday, July 18th (a few days after seeing the
doctor) I had my Optometrist appointment. They did a full exam and I don’t
really know what I was expecting to hear; I was just thinking if I could lose
weight, everything would go back to normal. However, she said to me: “I’m so
glad you came in today.” And right away, I knew this wasn’t going to go the way
I was hoping. She went on to tell me that my optic nerves were swollen and they
needed to find out why. She was sending me straight to the ER to get a CT Scan.
She said she didn’t think it would be this, but that we have to rule out the
worst right away; brain tumors. Needless to say, a tear snuck its way out. That
wasn’t a word I had ever imagined hearing. She was wonderful about it and told
me that it wasn’t silly to react this way, handed me a tissue and gave me the
privacy to call Trav. There were more tears during that phone call; I think
they were shock tears (does it give such a thing?) and I said, I’m so scared
Trav. I don’t want to have a brain tumor. *insert some hyperventilating here*
and he said “I don’t know what to say babe”. His honesty somehow made me feel
better. He said he would leave work and meet me at Boundary. The optometrist
came back and said Manitoba Health (I think?) would cover everything and I could
go straight there. Thank you for that MB Health. Trying to think about all the
money I had to pay yet was not something I wanted to do.
I think I went through more emotions in that 10 minute drive
to the hospital than I have in my whole life. Shock, to complete panic.. your
mind goes places that aren’t very pretty. If I do actually have a brain tumor,
how long is my surgery going to take. Will it be operable? Is it cancerous?
What if I die on the table or go into some kind of coma? I am NOT prepared for
Alex to grow up without a mama or a different mama. And I am NOT prepared for
me to not have the rest of my life to love Travis.
Then I thought to myself; okay Steph, you can keep panicking and imagine every single what-if
scenario OR you can choose to believe what you’ve been learning; that Jesus is
exactly who Jesus said He was. Well, that hope sounded better than the
current direction I was heading and I decided yes. I choose that. I got to the
hospital and they took my blood pressure (way too high obviously) and then I
waited for a bit. As I sat there I started thinking, wow imagine if my CT scan
comes back clear, there are so many things I have been afraid of all my life or
thoughts that I have wasted my energy on. Time to change that! Starting with
people; if I feel like someone needs a friend or if God asks me to speak to or
pray with someone, I’m going to do it! But as I sat there, with many people in
the waiting room, I was hesitant to talk to any of them.. I don’t know what it
is that holds us back; feels like fear to me. But I hate it. So I made myself
walk over to an elderly lady on the other side of the room and told her “Hi I
think I need to make a friend right now!” Haha
not weird at all Steph. She said, “oh sure!” So we chatted and she shared
why she was there (for someone else) and before I could offer to pray for them,
I was called in for bloodwork. I felt good that I had met a new person, I
hadn’t held myself back. While I was waiting for my bloodwork results, I heard
the person that lady had brought in walk by (the nurse was discussing the
problem) and I prayed over them as they walked past me, so I still got to do
that! God is neat.
Trav then joined me and I had to try not to cry again;
something about someone also caring what happens to you just brings on the
tears. I was feeling a lot calmer though and I was finally able to get my CT
scan. As I went in, my whole body was shaking but I felt completely fine on the
inside, not a single worry. J
That was a wonderful feeling. As I took out my nose ring I was struck with the
memory of about a week ago; me having this very vision of taking out my nose
ring to go through a machine. Interesting, why I would foresee that, I don’t
know. Maybe that helped me to be less afraid. When they put the contrast in
your veins (to get a better view of your brain etc.) it feels very warm. Having
a warm brain is also a new one for me! This struck me as rather funny but is
definitely something I don’t wish to repeat.
Once it was complete, they sent us back to the waiting room
and I was thinking to myself; I’m singing in church this Sunday, how much more
meaningful is it not going to be now that I’m going to have such an amazing
testimony?! I was also proud of myself and the direction my thoughts were going
instead of fear. Thank you, God. So I started quietly singing the set list
through, a few times.. it kept my mind busy and worship always calms my soul.
Whoever the other man was in the waiting room with us, he got an earful. Ha!
Finally we were called to another little room while we waited
for the doctor. I had a few seconds of panic again as I realized that I was
about to find out possibly some of the most important news of my life but Trav
said, “Relax Steph, we already prayed about this, remember?” Immediately, I
calmed down again. Yes, I had made my decision of what I believed. The doctor
walked in and his first words were; “Your CAT Scan came back normal, so you can
get that out of your thinking.”
Ohhhh man, the utter relief. There were no abnormalities, my
brain looked good, my optic nerves looked normal, and I had no lurking brain tumors!
Three happy tears escaped. He did a few eye tests and a couple of things with
my peripheral vision and then he said I would need to go see a neurologist so
that they can figure out what exactly is going on. Sounded good to me! I wasn’t
going to die :D I realize that may have been an overreaction but it’s truly how
I felt; like I had just received a free pass on life! We left that hospital in
good spirits, full of thankfulness and ready to tackle whatever came our way
next.
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