Killing the Guilt

On occasion, there are different little whispers I hear going through my head; the bad kind. The lie kind. I am forever working on changing them into Truths and turning my attitude or day around after I hear them. But one of the loudest whispers would definitely have to be named Guilt. 

And oh how I hate it.

It’s completely useless, completely unnecessary and just plain makes you feel like crap. 

So let’s end it! 

What a great idea Steph, I’m sure nobody has thought of that before. 

But hooooooooow?

That is the question. And I don’t think I have a resolute answer, but I do have some ideas that may help.

For example: I recently started back at work, half-time. My mat leave was over at the end of August and I was both nervous and excited. It has been three weeks ish and so far it’s going really well. Alex LOVES her nanny and grandma time, is never sad when I say goodbye and is SO very excited to see me when I come home. I’m having fun at work, yes FUN. At WORK. Lol it is possible people! My brain feels like it’s getting worked in a different way every day and it feels like I’m back at my second home with all my beautiful co-workers. 

This all sounds so wonderful doesn’t it? And when people ask how it’s going, this is usually what I tell them and they are so happy for me. And I am too… except when the Guilt starts to whisper.

 Don’t you think you should feel bad that Alex is being raised by other people?

 Don’t you think when she’s sad, she wonders where you are and why you aren’t holding her?

Don’t you think she’s waiting for you, to come home and play Chase games with her?

How can you be having fun at work when you’ve sacrificed time with your child for it?

These are the thoughts that haunt me. Especially that last one. And many more.  They are toxic and I don’t want them. So I've started to do something about it. Basically, I throw a fit whenever they come around. Real healthy I’m sure haha 

In all seriousness though, sometimes you just have to yell at them to SHUT UP. They are not real, they are not facts, they are not lawful. And maybe you can’t control them from showing up, but you can usually control how long they stick around! So get mad, throw a fit and order them out! 

The Truth: Alex is still being raised mostly by myself and her daddy. Those who are helping, have similar styles of ‘parenting’ and are respecting our rules. 

The Truth: when she is sad, she has someone there who loves her, to comfort her and she knows I’ll be there soon

The Truth: of course she’s probably wanting to play games with me but is so distracted that she most likely doesn’t know it until I actually get home

The Truth: I can have fun while doing things other than Mothering. I enjoy working, I enjoy having a kid-free girls night and I enjoy going for walks alone with just Jesus and my music. These things are all for short periods of time and I believe actually make me better at the Mothering thing; because I’m not as tired, I miss her more and I make a point of spending even more time with her than before. 

The dishes will wait. The guilt can go away. I will resolve (possibly a few hundred times a day ha) to change the whispers. It’s time to sit on the rug, read books and play lego castle with my baby. 

Mothering is by FAR my favourite and guilt cannot take that from me. I won’t let it.