Alright, first things first. I don't
feel like writing this one! Haha not because it's too vulnerable
(well maybe in some ways (ok this is me coming back after writing
it.. its a lot more vulnerable than i thought ha)) but mostly
because it just feels like I'm writing the same thing over and over
again. I'm writing it hoping that it's my very last one like
this.
A health update. I'm going to do it in
“point form” because it's 2:26am and even though I'm not tired at
all, I know that I need to get to bed cuz someone's waking up crying
for a bottle in about 1or 4 hours ha
- Hypothyroidism – still there. Went off my meds after the twins were born, gained back all the weight I had lost (and then some, thanks to using food as my stress reliever), lost most of my energy, my eyelashes and hair started falling out, mood wings, bursts of anger and some other random things. On the POSITIVE – even though, it took a solid 4.5 months to come out of that, I am now currently in a pretty good place with the medication (I went back on, and after three months was prescribed an even higher dose) and my numbers are where they are should be. I have seen a lot of my energy come back and the anger is less and the hair and most of the eyelashes are coming back/stopped falling out. Still working on the weight, because apparently my metabolism is now shot and also... STILL EATING WHEN STRESSED.
- Intracranial Hypertension – I am still not 'out of the woods' yet. My neurologist (whom I saw a week ago) told me that it is looking pretty good right now but since I still have one symptom and because I'm right back to the same weight as the beginning he is still worried. He wants me to come back in 2.5 months and to lose 15 pounds by then. Thankfully my only symptom is that I hear the pressure in my ears (wooshing when I lay down) and not every day. Nothing serious yet and I plan to not get past that. NEED NEW STRESS HANDLING TECHNIQUES
- After-Baby Health and New Diagnosis – in most ways I am healed from giving birth. I am sleeping a lot more, I can handle a lot more, the slight post-pardum is mostly gone. I'm never really sure whether I'm hormonal, it's thyroid or babies causing my moods LOL still, they are better.. despite my last post haha I currently am also dealing with a low cervix. Mostly this is pain-free except for a new kind of cramp once a month and just in general I don't like to think about it cuz ack. Basically my pelvic floor muscles need help. I was told this is common for women who've given birth multiple times (or twins too) that have a retroverted uterus (which I learned last week is what I have). So back to pelvic floor therapy I will go.. and also lose weight. SHEESH WHO KNEW at this point I am sensing a theme.
- Weight-Loss. Now, I am not here to say that every person who is bigger than a size *insert any number here*, needs to lose weight. No way. Nuh-uh. Health looks extremely different on every single person. For my specific body (inside), how I currently feel, and how heavy I am.. it is imperative that I lose weight. Since I have the crappy misfortune of hypothyroidism (still believing somehow I'm going to kick that), and now a wrecked metabolism, as well as the self inflicted destruction of a food addiction (which I'm also kicking. Slowly.. but surely? Yes. Surely. Sometimes. But will be forever. Ugh. Yay. Ugh. ) losing weight is NOT easy at this point. In the past it always has been for me, my body is like yes! Let's get back to a healthy weight! Bam! This time it's like.. nah. And then i'm discouraged so I eat nachos. Ugh. Literally there's no positive to this that I can currently see haha But read on! I am doing good things to fix this!
Solutions: Continue with the thyroid
medication, finally connecting with a counselor for venting/help with
better coping techniques/to break this problem, and I just signed up
for a years worth of Beachbody On Demand.
Now... normally I'm not into stuff like this.
(selling fitness things or products that seem unrealistic or can be propositioned in a way that shames you into buying them) I give loads of props to people who do the selling because that's hard and it's a business and I just couldn't do it. And not because I don't believe
it works for people, but because I've had so many not awesome experiences with people who inbox me on
insta (who i dont know) and are like 'Hey, you're a mom.. I have this
workout program you should try.' or 'Hey you're a mom, congrats!
Wanna get rid of your stretch marks? I have the perfect thing to get
rid of those!' and I'm over here like There's nothing wrong with
them.. they're just like a freckle to me. I kinda like them even...
so needless to say I get annoyed. ANYWAYS.. Someone messaged me but
she'd been reading my blog and seemed to genuinely care. Parts of
her story were the same as mine and she said the best part, and the part that
makes it work, is that you become part of an online group of women
doing the same thing and they encourage, and vent and check in and
share recipes. And she, as your coach, checks in every day. This seemed personal and she seemed lovely.
Also, you have
to do it. You have to workout. I also get shakeology for a month but
honestly, after that you have to pay quite a bit to keep that part up
so I'll just stick with my “netflix of fitness” and the
accountability group hah! Just watch, I'm going to love it..
After saying 'No' twice and doing some
serious soul searching, I signed up. The group starts right away and
I think I get the stuff in a few weeks..
You guys. I am so afraid. I've tried to
do things with people before and be accountable but it just has never
worked out. This is not the fault of anyone but my own. And this was
something that has a specific amount of time, a coach checking in, I
paid money, and get a whole support group.. and will help others
(hopefully) at the same time. Also, now I'm going to document it here
and on insta so that's a lot of eyes on me ha I have never committed
to something like this before because that means I really do have to
give up my comfort, my food. I really have to cut the bad/delicious stuff out, have to
hate the addiction, have to eat in a healthy manner, have a healthy
relationship with food. I have to workout! In the morning is the only
time its going to work, before the kids are up.. THIS MEANS WAKING UP
FLIPPING EARLY.. which means going to bed early, which means no alone
time at night, which is my favourite :'( I'm so afraid to fail, to
disappoint myself and others, to share here that I'm starting this
thing and then to have to say I'm sorry I haven't done it perfectly
or I totally messed up.
BUT. (what a good sentence, I can
imagine how hard some of you are cringing hahahaha) BUT. I am also SO
excited! I'm at a point in life where I simultaneously am doing my
worst with this problem, but to a point where I'm SO ready to do
whatever it takes to fix it. To be healthy; mentally and physically.
To not pass this on to my kids, to be able to model to them what it
looks like to love yourself completely. To be strong! To go to my
neurologist appointment and hear him say; “I
never want to see you again!”, to never hear that sound in my ears
or have that fear for my eyesight again. I am so ready to actually
fit into some of my favorite clothes (not unrealistic high school
body goals, just pre-twins goals ha) and to feel comfortable. And to buy new clothes! To get
on the floor easier to play, to be super active in the summer, to
not have to go to pelvic floor therapy hopefully ever again. lol
Most
of all, I'm so excited that by this time next year, even though I'm so
scared to type because there's always that doubt, I'll be able to
say.. Wow, look what I accomplished this last year.
No more wishing I was healthier or stronger or more capable. No more
desperately needing some control, but just free from it all. I will
be strong, healthy and free from the hold of stress and the constant
need to snack and overeat. I will have so much more space in my mind
and I will be able to give so much more of myself to my family, to
those I love, and even to strangers that may need help, who maybe I
haven't been seeing lately because of my focus.I cannot wait to have less Doctor/Neurologist/Physiotherapy appointments :D I cannot wait to
feel, instead of shame or guilt or hopelessness, to feel pride and
excitement and hope in this area.
2018
is going to be an extremely difficult year for me in this regard,
kicking an addiction and forming new habits always will be. I will be
working harder than ever both physically with this and mentally
through counseling and so it's also going to be an extremely
beautiful year. I'm going to grow and I want to share that journey
with you. Thank you for always reading and supporting and praying and
sending good thoughts. I appreciate it more than you know <3
Here's
to the New Year! (also to now, because I'm already signed up and the
group starts haha)
Love
you all.
No comments:
Post a Comment