THIS DAY

TODAY! laugh, cry, laugh, cry, go silently into the bedroom and scream into a pillow, wipe runny noses approximately 35+ times, five - FIVE - poopy diapers, all three in bad moods, spilled alfredo all over the fridge, sweet and sour sauce on the floor, formula powder in the element, (thats like $34,861,554 there), missed the garbage can with the old food and had to clean that up, stepped in a puddle with my socks, (like movie type things to go wrong alllll day).

The spills were actually all done by me, the adult, and i dropped two dirty, messy lids because the floor was clearly missing being spilled on, banged my kneecap into the corner of the wall, split my toenail in half (again) on my own pantleg, (HOW IS THIS POSSIBLE) and forgot to shower.. AGAIN. And i'm way too tired to now. ew. This was the first half of the day. Ha!

There was so much sass from the toddler it was on another level, and the twins mobility has got them in each others' faces (and accidental throat, stomach and head bops or hits) ALL day and nothing and nobody is safe. The toddler finally realized she can pick up the babies so I literally cannot take my eyes off of them at all, all day, because you know she doesn't always listen to the 'no picking up your siblings' rule. Twin B is also trying to cut four teeth at once... so imagine that. :S

Honestly, and i say this for those of you who've known me from before having kids and this may shock you, i definitely said the F word today. Not in front of my kids, but definitely out loud. And not just once. I actually included it in my prayer to the Father. MULTIPLE TIMES. And this is most definitely not the first time. It was like Nighttime Stephanie from before, after just having the babies and never sleeping came back (did I ever talk about that version of me on here? I can't remember. That was like 8 month ago.) and during the day! Go ahead and judge if you need to, but I am so very thankful that He lets me be that real with Him. Also, He knows my heart. Lol but for real. I am learning about His level of Love for me (in EVERY situation.. some much less and some much worse than this) and the tiny moments when I can glimpse it, blows me away. He truly is the God of 'No Matter What, I Love You'.

I am not the same person that I was before having these babies. And some of that is fine, some is actually quite good and was needed, and a good swear word here and there is better than some other alternatives, but I have never been an angry person until now. Like, never. So this is new, I don't know how to handle this healthily – i'm working on it, don't worry, both on my own, and with working on getting my thyroid and hopefully hormones under control and referring myself to a counselor, yay I actually can't wait to start that! - so to say today was rough was an understatement.  Thankfully nothing is serious or wrong with the kiddos.. and there actually are days that really are bad, but just mentally I didn't handle today. Basically at all. And you know it just makes you feel shitty! In so many areas! So I'm writing this in order to stop stuffing my face with chocolate chips because that is not helping. So thank you, you are helping me make at least one good decision today. Also, re-living it is reminding me that it wasn't all bad, even tho it kinda felt it was..

In the midst of all that, me just not handling it AT all, my three year old (after hitting me and then saying sorry ON HER OWN YAY - that happened at least one of the times today so progress hopefully LOL *insert hysterical laughing crying here*), my three year old, touches my face while i cry and says "its ok its ok, you're ok" and we hugged and then we asked Jesus to help us not be grumpy together. And we ended up having a lovely hour in the evening where we played and cleaned up and played some more together, happily! Hallelujah! (thank you husband for taking care of the twins and their shnot)

Later on before bed, when I asked her what she was thankful for (we try to do this every night so that on days like today it ends happily and with many snuggles ha) today she said "Jesus made us happy!" and when I asked her who she wanted to pray for today, she said "You!". And that cancels everything else out. Even if I'm still wrestling with the bad mood later as I think about the day, I remember those moments (as well as moments when the twins giggle at the same time, or sing at the same time) and suddenly I know that it's going to be ok.

I'm far from a perfect mom, wife, friend etc., but I'm trying and I thank the Lord our kids (and my husband) somehow see and feel that. She will grow up knowing she is loved and based on her empathy level - being kind to others. And that matters the most.

Oh sidestory: After a timeout I always tell her that no matter what she does, even though i want her to listen, if she doesn't.. i still love her. nothing can change that. I don't know how much of that she understands yet but the other day my husband gave me a hug and she comes running up and hugs both of us and says, very seriously, "no matter what, i love you mommy and daddy" :') if she doesn't already, she will understand it one day and I know she will feel it.

May tomorrow be completely different :) Except for the love parts. haha