Not a Summary: Part 4

This is an email I sent to my friend. I want you to read it because I typed it without thinking about anyone reading it except her. It's just my thoughts. And although I strive to do that on my blog as well, this is somehow just a little different. 

“you wanna know what i'm just rippin mad about?? health. its ridiculous that almost every person in the world has a health problem! whether its chronic migraines, weak immune system, hypothyroidism, cancer, bad back, Lyme disease, iron deficiency etc.  It takes away from SO much its unreal. I will never be convinced that the Lord wants that for us. 

The reason I say this is because today, for the first time in WEEKS, I am so very excited to play with my baby girl after work. *ensue heart breaking guilt for the last few weeks here*. Normally, although i'm so so happy to see her and want to squish her and everything, I am just so tired mentally and physically that I hope she has a nap first so that i can recharge to play before bedtime, and sometimes not even that. How sad is that?! There is nothing glorious or holy about it. 

Yesterday we had praise and worship night at Fusion. and it was so moving. I haven't let go and just worshiped like that in a very long time. and all I did was tell God how I was feeling; disconnected and worried and thinking of me and how I would sound and asked Him to help me. thats it. and I was so very free. I sang and belted it out for over an hour and I was so full of peace. i STILL am! its lasting! because i'm continuing to practice resting and listening to worship music every spare moment (good thing alex loves it ha).

A friend and youth leader prayed over me for healing last night after the worship part and the swollen protrusion in my neck (which I assume was my thyroid) went down immediately. And today I feel tired but also energetic enough mentally that i want to play lots before alex goes to sleep! it is SUCH a good feeling, and alex will benefit so much to have a mama thats so engaged and I just... yeah. thank you Jesus. its so important to pray for someone when you feel you should. i'm going to go let her know thats what the prayer did. 

also, i realized at lunch, i haven't worried about my health or my health's future once today. And that is a record. :') God is good.”

I sent that email last week Tuesday. It is now the next week Wednesday, and I can’t wait to tell you how I’m feeling now. J I realize that most of my blogs revolve around the same-ish topic, but as my wise sister keeps telling me: “Steph, it’s YOUR blog. You get to write whatever you want. Cuz it’s YOURS”. Haha and she is very right. And it’s because of that, that I get to tell you how wonderful I am feeling. And just how I got this way.

My last week was pretty good. I was a lot less stressed, my neck stayed un-swollen and I felt more encouraged than I had in a long time. I would say it was a 90 degree turnaround from the last many weeks. And then, we had church.

Our pastor’s son was preaching and he spoke on many things, but the few that stuck with me were this. He said: You just can’t listen to the lies. So many times, that faith that moves mountains, well the mountains are in your mind. And the devil wants you to believe them because it derails you from your purpose. 

And I thought to myself; I wonder what I’ve all been derailed from with these illnesses?

He talked about Youth’s praise and worship night, and how a number of the kids/teens had been healed right then and there, simply because someone else prayed over them and he asked us: How many of you need healing for something? 

My hand shot up. Because I know, in the deepest part of my heart, that I truly believe all that I have learned; that my Father is a Healer. Despite what I feel, despite what I see every day and despite all the questions and doubt. I am confident of that.

He asked those of us who needed healing to come to the front and I went, along with so many other people. And he reminded us; the bible states that every good and perfect gift comes from the Father and so that means the Lord doesn’t subcontract the devil to place upon us disease/perversion of health. Never. Only GOOD and PERFECT gifts come from above.  He asked those who weren’t there to receive healing, to come up and pray over us and lay hands on and support us. They did, and we all prayed.

I stood there with my arms up and out, waiting to receive. . and I felt .. absolutely nothing. So many around me were saying they could feel themselves getting better immediately and I stood there and continued to feel absolutely nothing. Even while singing, I felt nothing. I almost always feel something while singing. It’s my connector, the place I most easily feel my Father’s presence.

But the preacher said; Don’t worry if you aren’t feeling anything. Yet. It’s coming.

And I decided he was right. Normally I am a pretty emotional, feel-ey kind of person, so I figured that’s probably part of this. I will not be derailed and I believe I have been healed.  I walked back to my seat and the service ended.. we went home; and really, the rest of the day went on as per normal and I still felt the same. 

The next morning… TO BE CONTINUED (really soon, this just got super long ha)