The Black Hole: Part 2

PART TWO

Easter Sunday was two weeks away.

I was scheduled to sing lead for praise and worship. I was supposed to worship. To declare His victory and His Love for His people. While in a black hole. At first I seriously thought about asking someone to switch with me, wondered if I should even be up there at all anymore.

But thank the Lord we do not have to be perfect in order to worship. In order to inspire and in order to be used by God. We don't even have to have complete confidence in what we are doing in order to worship. 

Singing is the MOST potent place for me. I connect to Father that way the strongest. I feel Him there. I know He is with me and I”m overwhelmed in so many ways when I do. So I knew that I needed to do it. And although as a lead worshipper you are supposed to do exactly that, I knew this one would be for me. And I asked the Father to use that for others anyways as I would be focused elsewhere.

During these two weeks before Easter Sunday I get sick. And it gets worse. And all the kids have been and are still sick. And nobody is sleeping. So i get worse. Well, by Wednesday I didn't have much of a voice and could barely breathe in every few seconds without coughing. No way on earth was I going to be able to sing. So I emailed for a backup, someone to take my place. (by backup/replacement I mean another lead singer) And she said sure but wait to decide till closer. So I prayed and I took everything I could possibly take naturally and tylenols and more tylenols.

By Saturday I was somehow just barely able to sing through every song except one. So I told my replacement that and how I really wanted to sing but I didn't want to ruin everyone's worship and blah blah. So much indecisiveness but inside I was telling God that I desperately needed to sing. Because the song Reckless Love was added a few days before... and that's the one.

I knew it. I felt it so surely in me that I felt absolutely panicked. If I didn't sing that song, I wasn't sure what was going to happen to me. No peace here. I tried.

I tried to believe He would heal me in time. But man.... that's hard. And for something so 'unimportant' but so so important. And although my replacement had no idea what I was all thinking and going through, she was like 'oh I'll come to rehearsal but you try it out.' She was so willing to help but try her hardest to get me to be able to sing. It was such a relief. Please God, make it work. I want to sing. “You will.” I heard that so many times, even as I wondered if I could be any more selfish.

Rehearsal time. Sunday morning. New songs so we practiced them over and over. Belting them out. I knew immediately I wouldn't be able to do one of them for sure, not if I wanted to sing Reckless Love. So my amazing replacement said 'Oh well I can do that one and you do the others.' Again, so willing to make it work .. and had no idea what this was meaning to me.

The Easter service started. We sang our songs, she sang the one.. and I did it! I was able to sing them! And Reckless Love was beautiful and moving. And I was so thankful. I really had heard Him say “You will.” it wasn't just me. He listened, He answered. He knows my love language, He knows how I connect with Him and He made sure that I was able to do so. It proved something to me .. but it didn't break me (yet) like I thought it would.

And all hell broke loose. Now I'm not saying this was happening just because of my specific situation but most definitely I believe the devil didn't want anyone getting anything out of this Easter service. After a Spirit filled worship, we had not one, but two people collapse and be taken to the hospital. Right then and there. And what did our pastors do? They did not sweep it under the rug, they did not preach their planned sermons, they got us all praying together, everyone stretching out their hands. We prayed for healing, for peace. The ambulance came and they were taken away (to be safely and healthily released just a few hours later!) and we spent the entire morning praising and worshipping and praying!! and there's no possible way that should have worked with my voice the way it was. And the point wasn't that it was my voice that was needed for praise and worship. It was that I needed to do it, for me. And He knew that.

And He used that for others as well. Not just me. And nothing stopped us from having an amazing morning of not just a regular Easter service with the story.. but pure freedom.

“He called my name, and I ran out of that grave”. I have NEVER felt that level of freedom on stage ever. Or maybe anywhere in my life ever. We sang Reckless Love two more times yet at the end and although I could not talk - ask the band members baha I sounded like a growly scratchy barely there whisper voice - BUT I SANG. And not only did I sing. I YELLED. I moved. I cried! Hard. And sang still! I wish that I could convey these feelings through these words but it's just not possible. It's like I blacked out but was still able to feel, everything. I wish I had video, so you could see me. So I could see what it looked like. But it really doesn't matter. Because those who were there (for sure some anyways) felt it. And felt their own freedom.

It was like nothing I had ever experienced. The band is so so amazing and their music just flows through the singers and the harmonies and the support from my replacement who ended up just joining me (which is the best!) was beyond magical. Strong and powerful and free. I both remember everything and remember nothing except the feeling. It's amazing.

I was so happy. I told my husband. This was it. I was finally pulled out of my black hole. No more black holes. He fought for me and He was relentless and He made sure He chased me down. I was loved. Secure. No matter what, I told myself, I will always remember this moment.

And I woke up the next morning in so much pain. Still a nech-ache, still a headache (8 extra strength tylenols throughout the day didn't touch it.. this is insane for me, i usually take one in like an 8 hour stretch) still sick. And I tried desperately to hold on to my feelings from the day before because I knew that they were going to last. Just because my situation wasn't much better than the day before, didn't mean I couldn't be any better. And the next day.. the same. And Wednesday... a bit better, but the kids were just... well.. they made a lot of bad decisions. Ha. it was an extremely hard parenting day. And i worried. I was scared the black hole was waiting for me. That i would be so easily deceived and forget so quickly. 

But i made a decision on Wednesday. I knew that there was a very big thing holding me back.

If you've been following for a while you know that I'm constantly battling a food addiction; emotional eating. You will know that I have breakthroughs and setbacks. And the last month while everyone and myself have been sick.. i haven't been able to work out. Almost at all. And its not for lack of wanting to or even trying. Physically it was not possible. And then my motivation to eat healthy disappeared too and i ate emotionally basically every day.

And I knew that although God had found me. And proven to me in more than one way just how badly He wanted me to see His love for me, that it was time for me to do something too. Not just for Him, although that was the most important reason, but for myself. 

Although I still hurt too much to workout, I could be healthier. I could honor His sacrifice and His love by loving myself as well. Taking care of me. Just like a Father/Mother wants for their child to do.. Father God/Mother God wants us to do so too.

Since I couldn't show a change immediately as it takes time and also I had just eaten so I couldn't make any great decisions (other than not eating more while full) I knew what I needed to do. I went through our house and threw away the snacks. The junk. The things I wait to eat until everyone is asleep and nobody can watch how much I'm actually consuming. Or see that I'm eating yet again, while full. And its unhealthy. I threw it into the garbage can. And I stayed up late making a meal plan. Because i KNOW this about myself, that if I don't write it down, I will eat everything and anything as opposed to what is written. So I made the meal plan. I threw out the junk and as I was falling asleep I realized hey... my head doesn't hurt anymore.

And here are the texts I sent to my sister THIS MORNING. Thursday, April 5.:

“My three week long headache and neckache and stiffness are comPLETELY gone! I've been taking like 6-8 extra strength tylenols a day (which for me is basically an overdose ha) and it was barely touching it and today NOTHING

I have already played with the kids, cooked a brand new healthy meal, made a meal plan and I'm still feeling GOOD

Not even exhausted!!!

Still coughing but not nearly as bad and EVERYBODY ELSE IS HEALTHY

That means I can finally start working out!!!!!

I feel so positive.

I felt amazing after Easter Sunday cuz of the service and then still sick the next day and then yesterday was just that black hole all over again and I cried like six times and felt overwhelmed and my neck and head just hurt so bad and all I could think about was drowning my sorrows in food and the kids were crying and clingy and Alex was mean and destructive and I just felt like a mess and I thought no that's not what the point of my freedom was and what the point of His story is.. Even if I feel like shit I can at least still be out of this dark pit and feel hope and so VERY BEGRUDGINGLY I turned on praise and worship and me and the kids listened for like literally hours and slooooooowly I started crying less and slowwwwwwly I started feeling, not good, but more ok ish and then I decided to throw away all the junk away and into the garbage. Enough was enough. You know you can go buy more but it's symbolic and at least I won't eat my way through to them being Gone. And the day ended great! Not bedtime but once the kids were finally sleeping by midnight my headache and neckache TOTALLY disappeared and I had so much energy and was up till 4am being productive and then watching Netflix ha I was so scared this morning i would feel like crap cuz I couldn't fall asleep till after 5 but i woke up from Alex at 9 am and I just.. GOT OUT OF BED! Like immediately! That NEVER happens. ESPECIALLY not this last month. It was so cool!!!!! And still no pain!!!!

I totally believe it's partly becuz of the decision I made to throw away those snacks and then I made a meal plan so now I'm intentional. SO COOL. I'm very happy! And believing it's gonna stay and I'm gonna do my brain detox so I can be strong to make good habits”

**side note.. this brain detox exercise is amazing and only takes like ten minutes a day. You can re-wire your thinking and its very helpful if you're a toxic thinker or have anxiety: https://www.21daybraindetox.com/ it has saved me emotionally many times.**

And the whole day was amazing. There were timeouts for the toddler, there was one clingy twin and one twin who had a hard time pooping. But I felt great and I actually cooked a meal, and a healthy one, and I kept my cool a whole lot better than normal (after the toddler dumped all her cheerios on the coffee table and crunched them all with her rubber boots on into a fine powder that went, well.. everywhere.. for one example anyways). And I felt hope.

And I know it's here to stay. Because although the high of the Easter day was real, it was also a peak moment. And now this was also something I did as well. I chose something. I'm choosing this. To continue with the good decisions. To be intentional. To read Romans. To believe He is good. 

To pray for strength, wisdom and peace along with healing instead of only healing. I am confident that I am no longer lost.

I am confident that I will continue to have stress and hard times and some dark days. BUT I am confident that I will still be found during them and know that I am found and have the coping skills and the strength to make it through. Oh what a wonderful thing to know you are so deeply loved. I want to spend the rest of my life learning more about it. And passing it on as well. <3 we are all so important. So worthy. No matter what your character is, what your life looks like. You are loved. I am loved. We are loved.

Nothing tops that :')

<3

also, holy crap if you read this far.. thank you. We are now friends for life. :D haha

but seriously. I so appreciate it. You know me well now, and have helped in my therapeutic way of handling things and getting things out. Hopefully something in there will speak to you. That you are not alone, or You are on the right track or even just the one line: You are loved. Never stop trying to believe that. It is Truth. You can do this.

Since I tend to ramble and maybe you didn't quite make it but scrolled to the bottom (no judgements here ha):

IN SUMMARY – It's been almost a week since I wrote this and I am in a good place. It's not a perfect place. I still have meltdowns, anger, a migraine, another sick kid. I'm still not 'myself' yet.. but I've changed my focus. Instead of expecting results immediately (whether through prayer or through my decisions) I am working on being content no matter the situation. My counselor put it really well and I will paraphrase here: “There will always be pain in this world. It's a fact. However.. you can decide you will either spend all your time and energy and stress trying to change the outcome of an uncontrollable pain or you can spend it on drawing strength from whatever it is you do (prayer, God, meditation, self care etc.) and learning to healthily get through the pain. Feel it and be able to handle it and move forward. It's when you try to change the outcome (of something over which you have no control) then you yourself add the suffering.”

So.. my prayers have changed. I finally/still believe God is good. I saw Him come after me; prove He was listening. He does love me. I still believe in miracles; have seen some and will continue to pray for them. HOWEVER. I am now going to focus on asking Him for strength and peace, patience and contentment. That I will love and enjoy motherhood, that I will stop worrying about all the things. That instead of healing my food addiction (altho i'm always open to that lol) to make me more aware so I can change my habits easier.

Awareness and strength. Even though there is pain, I don't want to add the suffering. And I've already seen a difference. I'm a bit more calm.. although I still feel some anxiety when i hear a cough or someone wake up at night. . I can remember that it's ok that not everything is alright. I have a Father who is with me. I'm never alone. And His purpose is to Love me, and that means carry me through. Not just to survive, but to move forward, no matter what the circumstance.

I've also, as a practical measure, decided to start a Gratitude & Revelation Journal. I will not try to summarize or write the whole story down when I journal. I will simply write the good things, the hard but necessary things, the lessons learned, the epiphanies and kind moments I noticed every day. This will help me to go back during the rough times and the confusing times. Remind me what I know to be True and what I all have to be thankful for. For some reason it's easy to forget, probably because it's so uplifting and we need it. This will help.

And forward I will move :)

The Black Hole: Part 1

PART ONE

The black hole.

Endless. Dark. Frightening and Exhausting. A never-ending, swirling heaviness.

You guys. Although I've obviously had so many beautiful and amazing times this last year, I've also honestly just been stuck there. In this black hole.

I can't really describe it. I'm sure you've seen my posts and that they are a bit up and down. Finding the positive and then sinking back down. Disappearing for a while then coming back. Maybe the best way to explain it would be that my happiness has been heavily situation based, as opposed to joy coming from within no matter what. I've had tastes of that here and there but really.. I've just been in this pit that I'm climbing, trying to get to the top but I'm so tired and nothing is going right because I never sleep. Just when I think I can see the top, someone gets sick or we have three weeks of two hour nights or my prayers - that I felt were a necessity - were not answered how I thought they should have been. Healing didn't come, sleep didn't come, help didn't come. At least not as much as I thought it should.

I started to wonder why God didn't care about my basic needs. My sanity.

I've had so many up and down moments with the Father this last year. I didn't totally notice for the first long while.. everything is so blurry. Two babies and no sleep, honestly it just really does a number on you.

None of these things are “serious”. None of them are life threatening. None of them are really even bad. It was a just slow seeping exhaustion that took over me.

And suddenly a few weeks ago I found myself in a place where I didn't believe that when I prayed for my babies at night that they would be calm, pain-free. I found myself in a place wondering why I bothered to pray at all. Although I knew I couldn't deny the Father's existence due to SO many incredible and some even almost unbelievable experiences in my life, I just didn't know where I stood past that. I've seen Him heal people I've prayed over. So why, why wouldn't my babies just SLEEP. Why weren't they as important as those others? Why is anyone?

But I know God isn't a God of favourites. I was reeling. This meant I truly would most likely never have an answer to why certain prayers go unanswered. Or whatever it's called when you don't see an immediate result how you expect. I am an optimist at heart so to feel so pessimistic and to realize that your everlasting hope has been dying for a year and you just realize it now, it hits hard.

And so it hit. Boom. Just like that. I spent the day crying off and on, being incredibly snappy, feeling completely dark on the inside of my soul. I couldn't see my beautiful children right in front of me. I only saw the hard. The disobedience. The lack of sleep. The messy house. The unkempt me. My lack of response to my encouraging husband. My failures as a mother. As a wife. As a homemaker. What on earth made God decide that I was to be a mother, never mind to twins? I spent the day questioning His wisdom. I spent the day wondering why He never listens to my desperate pleas in the night. Why He doesn't care. Why doesn't He love me? What do I need to do to make Him just love me? Why was I so unworthy of His attention?

And I did nothing about it. I didn't listen to music. I didn't journal. I didn't meditate. I didn't ask for help. I just felt. And it was honestly so horrible. I will never forget this day. I DID go for a walk with the family. Which eased some of it. But I still went to bed with zero joy. Almost zero hope. And lots of dark.

The next morning, of course, was a Sunday. Church. Yeaaaaah not in the mood. But I don't like to not do things just because I'm in a bad mood, especially when they're things my family looks forward to.

And Lo and Behold; the message was ALL about the character of God. And how Good He is. I spent the first half being really snarky and sarcastic in my head. And also really despondent and questioning. Responding to everything the pastor said in my mind with a “yes BUT then WHY this..”. It got me nowhere. And then he said something. Something about how we can't let situations take over. We can't let something or anyone deceive us into believing that God is different. He never changes. His goodness always is, no matter what kind of negative things this world bears down on us. Now, these are words of a man, inspired by the bible and I believe the Holy Spirit. Take what you want/need from them.. research yourself. But they moved me. They shook my core. Here are the notes I took:

“The character of Jesus,His life we see in the new testament; None of it shows the life or mindset of a God who creates and then destroys or gives and takes away. Job said that. Not Jesus. That's just his perspective. Don't rewrite who Jesus' character is .. He is the exact representation of the Father. The trinity is one. One didn't come to give and take away and one come to give life and life more abundantly .. He is only One.

When you believe wrongly about the character of God, when you listen to the whispers, even though He has never changed, then you lose that intimacy with Him (just like if a spouse believes a lie of their partner)

Never let your life define how amazing He is. Jesus is the measuring stick of Gods love. What He did and didn't do is what is Truth.

God didn't make the world the way it is now, sin did.

You need to be strong in the Word not strong in opinion.

You need to create a foundation on the Word and from your time you've dedicated to and with Him, not one you've pieced together from opinions and bits of others.”

It dawned on me that that is exactly what I had done. I had spent this entire last year being extremely unaware of most things spiritual and putting in next to nothing with my relationship with Jesus. It had been completely one-sided. Him providing peace when I would let Him, providing help when I reached out and asked others for it.. and when I couldn't have it or when the kids didn't sleep, well.. I'm still here aren't I? Clearly I've made it through.

And there've been moments, conveniently always after a day where I actually spent time listening to praise and worship or praying something other than a request or f-word (altho thankfully He listens and cares about those prayers too) and actually being part of the relationship, where I've had happiness or calm despite the escalating situation.

I also spent that year looking at others. Comparing how their lives looked like they were doing as opposed to mine. Which is never smart and is completely inaccurate. Literally nobody I know has the same life. Cuz that's the point. So it does me no good to determine my failures because of other people's “successes”.

What is success anyways? What is love? I have most definitely been seeing it as immediately answered prayers that mean a perfect life.

THIS IS UNATTAINABLE. He has never said there would not be hard times. “God didn't make the world the way it is, sin did.” There's going to be shit thrown at you all the time. In the form of anything and everything! And honestly.. had I even once just asked Him for strength to get through something?? No, I don't think so. All I did was beg Him to change everything so that it would all just go perfectly so I could be happy. And cry and yell and swear when He didn't make my life perfect or answer with a yes within 30 seconds. And then I would feel guilty that I even wished for anything better when I have it so good if I actually stop to think about it. SO so good. So what was wrong with me? Why was I like this? So ungrateful. So so so tired.

And I decided I did still believe He was good. I still don't understand basically anything about a lot of the unanswered (or so it seems) prayers. But I have fresh eyes. When I look back now I see the extra hour of sleep here or there. I see the answered prayers that didn't happen within 30 seconds but did within an hour. I see the viral infections that only lasted 1.5 weeks as opposed to the 'regular' 3 according to the doctor. I see that I have made it till today. And my kids know they are loved. They've seen me cry and heard me yell and heard me apologize. But they are stable and confident in knowing they are loved.

Nothing lasts forever. My mantra after having my first child when I had some mild postpartum depression was 'It can't last forever'. Everything I've ever been upset about has either ended or I've at least been given breaks in between to refuel for the next fight.

Also, My husband is phenomenal. He has helped as much as he can, while still working full-time, getting our business off the ground, and loving/handling this woman who most likely he hasn't recognized for half this time (or more). . All while being a wonderful dad who the kids can't get enough of.

I look and I see the village that has helped and supported us. Both physically by doing things or bringing me coffees when they know I didn't sleep or mentally and spiritually by checking in and by praying and following God's prompting to send me encouraging notes/texts. He has been there through His people. Day in and day out.

I was far too focused on the hurts and the tiredness and the overwhelming forever-feeling-ness of it all that I couldn't see those things.

But it doesn't end here. It's not just a happy fairy-tale after that. I left the service deciding that I still believed He was good. But I'm like Gideon and I always need proof. I still felt isolated. Like He was far away and maybe didn't love me as much as I had always been taught. And I was too tired to go seek Him. That's what they tell you right; seek and you shall find. Which IS true. Don't get me wrong. BUT. I was just still too tired. And the day before had really broken and exhausted me. And so I prayed a song over myself; RecklessLove.  (worth the listen, till the end)  
“Oh the overwhelming, never-ending, reckless love of God. Oh it chases me down, fights till I'm found, leaves the 99. I couldn't earn it, I don't deserve it, still You give yourself away. Oh the overwhelming, never-ending, reckless love of God”.

God. I need you to do that. Chase me down. Fight for me. Please leave the 99 and come find me. and we left church and I cried some more. A piece of my soul was settled. I had the future hope because I knew that deep down I knew what I believed. But half of me still felt so very lost, feeling alone and unloved. As if He hadn't already proved enough by dying, defeating evil and rising again. . Or through many other instances in my life. No, I needed more. 

Not even two hours later I received a text from a friend. She says she normally never does things like this.. but she felt compelled to send me a prayer. She SPECIFICALLY mentioned that even if I read it later, it was for right now. And while I won't type out the whole thing as it's personal, one line just shot to my inner being: “Help her to know you won't ever forget her” COULD THAT BE ANY MORE EXACT?! My biggest fear. Rejection. That i'm unworthy. Unloveable. Easily forgotten. Not important.

NOT TRUE. He has left the 99. He is chasing me down. I cried some more. SHEESH WHY ALL THE CRYING ALL THE TIMES.

Another weight lifted off of me. I could breathe easier. But you guys. The fight for a soul, for a spirit, for Love and for a life is not easily won. (and this is a tame story compared to so many I have heard in the fight for a soul. But it doesn't feel that way, not when it's you. And when you're aware of it.) I still was not entirely sure. I still felt that pieces of me were in that pit. The black hole was still swirling and although shafts of light were piercing it and breaking it up, I could feel my grip was shaky on the edge of that pit. I was at the top but I couldn't pull myself out. I knew what was going to do it. I needed to sing that song. I knew He was going to fight till I was found. And somehow I knew when it was going to happen.

Easter Sunday.

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Stay tuned for Part 2 :)

Welcome Back, Me

Hey guys! So.. it's been awhile.

Short Story: 8 days of sickness for myself, 2 sick kids, broken dishwasher and oven, hosting, IF Gathering conference, counseling and regular home life.

Long Story: I've been a little lost. I've been in survival mode for a year now. There have obviously been both good and hard times. Between two babies at once, hormone changes, health problems and stress.. I haven't been myself and I haven't always recognized this person who I have become. When all the above mentioned in the Short Story happened in two weeks I just got overwhelmed. Exhausted and overwhelmed.

To top it off; due to the sickness, I wasn't working out anymore and wasn't eating a whole lot at all. My anxiety really took off and I started to freak out about every day life things. Even though I KNOW that my worth doesn't come from my productivity or my level of 'success', I couldn't handle that I was so behind on dishes and meals weren't being made etc. I was envisioning the worst every time one of my kids sniffled or tripped or woke up crying in the night. And I do mean the worst. This is not how I want to live. It's impossible to keep going like this.

In the midst of it all (nothing even earth shattering has happened this whole time.. it really is a battle in the mind for me) I just really felt, as I have so many times this last year, that God wasn't holding up His end of this relationship. Never mind the fact that I spend not a whole lot of time with Him and when I do it's mostly just Why and a few swear words peppered in with loud requests of sleep for all. I felt like He didn't listen, He didn't care. He just left me on my own to see how I would do. And I felt inadequate. In motherhood, as a wife, a homemaker and a friend. All the while feeling guilty because I'm well aware that nothing is even seriously wrong, with anybody or anything. Why can't I cope like a healthy human being?

My husband finally said to me (paraphrasing here).. “You just can't do this. You have to trust. You're not supposed to do it all and handle it all. Just trust.”

And in my desperate state I somehow decided to do just that. I sat down on the rug in the living room after everyone was asleep and I cried and I cried. And I told the Father exactly how I felt. That I was alone, exhausted, overwhelmed, unable to keep up. That I felt like He didn't love me anymore and that I was a failure. Like I had no support even though I know that's not true. That I could only see and feel things that weren't the Truth. (like the no support thing, and that I suck if I don't do enough things in one day and that everyone I love is all going to die at the same time... don't worry I'm in counseling and I'm learning healthier ways to manage my thoughts ha).

-inserting a note here that although so far this is not happy, it gets better ha-

I told him how flawed I felt and how behind I was .. in both my dish-washing and my personal growth. And after I got that all off my chest and cried out about how broken my heart was in other things as well .. all He said was this:

“I love ALL of you”

And that was enough. A peace washed over me. The state of my house was the same. The state of my personal growth hadn't moved. But my mind was changed.

I sat down and wrote. Expressed myself; a strange poem that ended up being two pages of basically just descriptive words, a list, a reason, a motive, some things beautiful and others painful. And it felt so good. I love that He has created us as Beings of expression. He knew we would need that in this life. For ourselves and for our relationships.

I was certain now. I was not alone. So I asked Him for some help, physically here on earth. . because I couldn't bring myself to ask for it. And did He ever bring me help. 

He sent someone to help me with the kitchen, He sent someone to fix the oven, He sent someone with an Oreo Frappe. He sent a babysitter/angel, He sent someone to help with the kids and the groceries at the same time. He sent someone via Facebook message who told me she had noticed my absence and was cheering for me even in my silence, He sent my husband who prayed the perfect prayer for me and wished for me the things I couldn't even voice on my own and loved me no matter what. He sent me a handwritten card of encouragement through the mail from a Mama friend who gets it. He sent us health, He even sent me a full night of sleep.

There were more things but this was all in just a couple of days. I wanted to crumple under the pressure of His love. In a good way. I asked for a sign, for some visible help and I couldn't have seen more answers than I did. To top it all off, I was able to go (kid-free, thank you husband) to the IF Gathering; a gathering of woman all around the globe listening to christian women speakers and the topic (lo and behold) was about persevering when you're stuck in the middle. The encouragement and the friendship that was there was a bright spot that will not be dimmed for me.

I am believing again. Believing I will be able to move forward instead of backward. Both emotionally and physically. That I will seek out the joy and the things to be thankful for instead of demanding them. That I will never forget this; because although there are sure to be just as difficult if not harder times ahead, I will know that I am not alone. I have strength in Him and I have hope in Him. I can enjoy life no matter what the situation or the feeling that surrounds me.

As I ended my poem, I will end this post:

I have hope. Because I am never alone.

He IS hope.

I will find myself. I know I'm here.

I am scared.

I am anxious.

I don't want to.

I will move forward.

I will really REALLY live.

I will be well.

I will fight.

I will win.

I will fight again.

Darkness against Light. Good against Evil.

I am a warrior.

And I am ready.

<3

The Last Time

Alright, first things first. I don't feel like writing this one! Haha not because it's too vulnerable (well maybe in some ways (ok this is me coming back after writing it.. its a lot more vulnerable than i thought ha)) but mostly because it just feels like I'm writing the same thing over and over again. I'm writing it hoping that it's my very last one like this.

A health update. I'm going to do it in “point form” because it's 2:26am and even though I'm not tired at all, I know that I need to get to bed cuz someone's waking up crying for a bottle in about 1or 4 hours ha

1. Hypothyroidism – still there. Went off my meds after the twins were born, gained back all the weight I had lost (and then some, thanks to using food as my stress reliever), lost most of my energy, my eyelashes and hair started falling out, mood wings, bursts of anger and some other random things. On the POSITIVE – even though, it took a solid 4.5 months to come out of that, I am now currently in a pretty good place with the medication (I went back on, and after three months was prescribed an even higher dose) and my numbers are where they are should be. I have seen a lot of my energy come back and the anger is less and the hair and most of the eyelashes are coming back/stopped falling out. Still working on the weight, because apparently my metabolism is now shot and also... STILL EATING WHEN STRESSED.
2. Intracranial Hypertension – I am still not 'out of the woods' yet. My neurologist (whom I saw a week ago) told me that it is looking pretty good right now but since I still have one symptom and because I'm right back to the same weight as the beginning he is still worried. He wants me to come back in 2.5 months and to lose 15 pounds by then. Thankfully my only symptom is that I hear the pressure in my ears (wooshing when I lay down) and not every day. Nothing serious yet and I plan to not get past that. NEED NEW STRESS HANDLING TECHNIQUES
3. After-Baby Health and New Diagnosis – in most ways I am healed from giving birth. I am sleeping a lot more, I can handle a lot more, the slight post-pardum is mostly gone. I'm never really sure whether I'm hormonal, it's thyroid or babies causing my moods LOL still, they are better.. despite my last post haha I currently am also dealing with a low cervix. Mostly this is pain-free except for a new kind of cramp once a month and just in general I don't like to think about it cuz ack. Basically my pelvic floor muscles need help. I was told this is common for women who've given birth multiple times (or twins too) that have a retroverted uterus (which I learned last week is what I have). So back to pelvic floor therapy I will go.. and also lose weight. SHEESH WHO KNEW at this point I am sensing a theme.
4. Weight-Loss. Now, I am not here to say that every person who is bigger than a size *insert any number here*, needs to lose weight. No way. Nuh-uh. Health looks extremely different on every single person. For my specific body (inside), how I currently feel, and how heavy I am.. it is imperative that I lose weight. Since I have the crappy misfortune of hypothyroidism (still believing somehow I'm going to kick that), and now a wrecked metabolism, as well as the self inflicted destruction of a food addiction (which I'm also kicking. Slowly.. but surely? Yes. Surely. Sometimes. But will be forever. Ugh. Yay. Ugh. ) losing weight is NOT easy at this point. In the past it always has been for me, my body is like yes! Let's get back to a healthy weight! Bam! This time it's like.. nah. And then i'm discouraged so I eat nachos. Ugh. Literally there's no positive to this that I can currently see haha But read on! I am doing good things to fix this!

Solutions: Continue with the thyroid medication, finally connecting with a counselor for venting/help with better coping techniques/to break this problem, and I just signed up for a years worth of Beachbody On Demand.

Now... normally I'm not into stuff like this. (selling fitness things or products that seem unrealistic or can be propositioned in a way that shames you into buying them) I give loads of props to people who do the selling because that's hard and it's a business and I just couldn't do it. And not because I don't believe it works for people, but because I've had so many not awesome experiences with people who inbox me on insta (who i dont know) and are like 'Hey, you're a mom.. I have this workout program you should try.' or 'Hey you're a mom, congrats! Wanna get rid of your stretch marks? I have the perfect thing to get rid of those!' and I'm over here like There's nothing wrong with them.. they're just like a freckle to me. I kinda like them even... so needless to say I get annoyed. ANYWAYS.. Someone messaged me but she'd been reading my blog and seemed to genuinely care. Parts of her story were the same as mine and she said the best part, and the part that makes it work, is that you become part of an online group of women doing the same thing and they encourage, and vent and check in and share recipes. And she, as your coach, checks in every day. This seemed personal and she seemed lovely.

Also, you have to do it. You have to workout. I also get shakeology for a month but honestly, after that you have to pay quite a bit to keep that part up so I'll just stick with my “netflix of fitness” and the accountability group hah! Just watch, I'm going to love it..

After saying 'No' twice and doing some serious soul searching, I signed up. The group starts right away and I think I get the stuff in a few weeks..

You guys. I am so afraid. I've tried to do things with people before and be accountable but it just has never worked out. This is not the fault of anyone but my own. And this was something that has a specific amount of time, a coach checking in, I paid money, and get a whole support group.. and will help others (hopefully) at the same time. Also, now I'm going to document it here and on insta so that's a lot of eyes on me ha I have never committed to something like this before because that means I really do have to give up my comfort, my food. I really have to cut the bad/delicious stuff out, have to hate the addiction, have to eat in a healthy manner, have a healthy relationship with food. I have to workout! In the morning is the only time its going to work, before the kids are up.. THIS MEANS WAKING UP FLIPPING EARLY.. which means going to bed early, which means no alone time at night, which is my favourite :'( I'm so afraid to fail, to disappoint myself and others, to share here that I'm starting this thing and then to have to say I'm sorry I haven't done it perfectly or I totally messed up.

BUT. (what a good sentence, I can imagine how hard some of you are cringing hahahaha) BUT. I am also SO excited! I'm at a point in life where I simultaneously am doing my worst with this problem, but to a point where I'm SO ready to do whatever it takes to fix it. To be healthy; mentally and physically. To not pass this on to my kids, to be able to model to them what it looks like to love yourself completely. To be strong! To go to my neurologist appointment and hear him say; “I never want to see you again!”, to never hear that sound in my ears or have that fear for my eyesight again. I am so ready to actually fit into some of my favorite clothes (not unrealistic high school body goals, just pre-twins goals ha) and to feel comfortable. And to buy new clothes! To get on the floor easier to play, to be super active in the summer, to not have to go to pelvic floor therapy hopefully ever again. lol

Most of all, I'm so excited that by this time next year, even though I'm so scared to type because there's always that doubt, I'll be able to say.. Wow, look what I accomplished this last year. No more wishing I was healthier or stronger or more capable. No more desperately needing some control, but just free from it all. I will be strong, healthy and free from the hold of stress and the constant need to snack and overeat. I will have so much more space in my mind and I will be able to give so much more of myself to my family, to those I love, and even to strangers that may need help, who maybe I haven't been seeing lately because of my focus.I cannot wait to have less Doctor/Neurologist/Physiotherapy appointments :D I cannot wait to feel, instead of shame or guilt or hopelessness, to feel pride and excitement and hope in this area. 

2018 is going to be an extremely difficult year for me in this regard, kicking an addiction and forming new habits always will be. I will be working harder than ever both physically with this and mentally through counseling and so it's also going to be an extremely beautiful year. I'm going to grow and I want to share that journey with you. Thank you for always reading and supporting and praying and sending good thoughts. I appreciate it more than you know <3

Here's to the New Year! (also to now, because I'm already signed up and the group starts haha)

Love you all.

THIS DAY

TODAY! laugh, cry, laugh, cry, go silently into the bedroom and scream into a pillow, wipe runny noses approximately 35+ times, five - FIVE - poopy diapers, all three in bad moods, spilled alfredo all over the fridge, sweet and sour sauce on the floor, formula powder in the element, (thats like $34,861,554 there), missed the garbage can with the old food and had to clean that up, stepped in a puddle with my socks, (like movie type things to go wrong alllll day).

The spills were actually all done by me, the adult, and i dropped two dirty, messy lids because the floor was clearly missing being spilled on, banged my kneecap into the corner of the wall, split my toenail in half (again) on my own pantleg, (HOW IS THIS POSSIBLE) and forgot to shower.. AGAIN. And i'm way too tired to now. ew. This was the first half of the day. Ha!

There was so much sass from the toddler it was on another level, and the twins mobility has got them in each others' faces (and accidental throat, stomach and head bops or hits) ALL day and nothing and nobody is safe. The toddler finally realized she can pick up the babies so I literally cannot take my eyes off of them at all, all day, because you know she doesn't always listen to the 'no picking up your siblings' rule. Twin B is also trying to cut four teeth at once... so imagine that. :S

Honestly, and i say this for those of you who've known me from before having kids and this may shock you, i definitely said the F word today. Not in front of my kids, but definitely out loud. And not just once. I actually included it in my prayer to the Father. MULTIPLE TIMES. And this is most definitely not the first time. It was like Nighttime Stephanie from before, after just having the babies and never sleeping came back (did I ever talk about that version of me on here? I can't remember. That was like 8 month ago.) and during the day! Go ahead and judge if you need to, but I am so very thankful that He lets me be that real with Him. Also, He knows my heart. Lol but for real. I am learning about His level of Love for me (in EVERY situation.. some much less and some much worse than this) and the tiny moments when I can glimpse it, blows me away. He truly is the God of 'No Matter What, I Love You'.

I am not the same person that I was before having these babies. And some of that is fine, some is actually quite good and was needed, and a good swear word here and there is better than some other alternatives, but I have never been an angry person until now. Like, never. So this is new, I don't know how to handle this healthily – i'm working on it, don't worry, both on my own, and with working on getting my thyroid and hopefully hormones under control and referring myself to a counselor, yay I actually can't wait to start that! - so to say today was rough was an understatement.  Thankfully nothing is serious or wrong with the kiddos.. and there actually are days that really are bad, but just mentally I didn't handle today. Basically at all. And you know it just makes you feel shitty! In so many areas! So I'm writing this in order to stop stuffing my face with chocolate chips because that is not helping. So thank you, you are helping me make at least one good decision today. Also, re-living it is reminding me that it wasn't all bad, even tho it kinda felt it was..

In the midst of all that, me just not handling it AT all, my three year old (after hitting me and then saying sorry ON HER OWN YAY - that happened at least one of the times today so progress hopefully LOL *insert hysterical laughing crying here*), my three year old, touches my face while i cry and says "its ok its ok, you're ok" and we hugged and then we asked Jesus to help us not be grumpy together. And we ended up having a lovely hour in the evening where we played and cleaned up and played some more together, happily! Hallelujah! (thank you husband for taking care of the twins and their shnot)

Later on before bed, when I asked her what she was thankful for (we try to do this every night so that on days like today it ends happily and with many snuggles ha) today she said "Jesus made us happy!" and when I asked her who she wanted to pray for today, she said "You!". And that cancels everything else out. Even if I'm still wrestling with the bad mood later as I think about the day, I remember those moments (as well as moments when the twins giggle at the same time, or sing at the same time) and suddenly I know that it's going to be ok.

I'm far from a perfect mom, wife, friend etc., but I'm trying and I thank the Lord our kids (and my husband) somehow see and feel that. She will grow up knowing she is loved and based on her empathy level - being kind to others. And that matters the most.

Oh sidestory: After a timeout I always tell her that no matter what she does, even though i want her to listen, if she doesn't.. i still love her. nothing can change that. I don't know how much of that she understands yet but the other day my husband gave me a hug and she comes running up and hugs both of us and says, very seriously, "no matter what, i love you mommy and daddy" :') if she doesn't already, she will understand it one day and I know she will feel it.

May tomorrow be completely different :) Except for the love parts. haha

Sister Love

My sister and I recently celebrated her birthday... and her birthday was in March. #twinlife

But it doesn't matter how long it took me to make this day work, because it was AMAZING. One of my favourite things is to plan our sister date for her birthday.. It's become our thing for me to take her somewhere she hasn't been so we can just shoot together. Be creative and relax and have fun together, just us.

I realize that a lot of my photography has Carrie as my subject and honestly, I'm not even going to apologize for that. Because I know that none of you mind and I can't believe how blessed I am to have the world's most beautiful, photogenic model ready whenever I want to go exploring and let me take pictures .. all while she gives me advice and teaches me about my camera! It's really just a birthday present to myself baha sorry care, love youuuu

My sister, if you know her you already know most of this, is the one of the kindest human beings on the planet. She is gorgeous, because look at her, but also even more so because her character and her heart are made of pure gold. She is always thinking of others, questioning things to make herself stronger, teaching me as if she were the oldest, being the best auntie ever to my kids, constantly bettering herself, exploring God, making people laugh and being my best friend. my kindred spirit. my shrub.

Here are some pictures of her beautiful self (and the new locations we were able to shoot at.. thank you to Mrs Krahndashian!) as well as some other rolls of film after that.. i'm finding that the more we go out and shoot, the happier I am with more of the pictures on the roll! I used to like a handful of the pictures I took but I'm both learning to love film more, and getting a bit better and closer to what I want to be like with taking the pictures! It's addicting :D

the next few are of my toddler, playing in the leaves. loving it and then hating it ha!

Twin A & Twin B lookin messy & cute as usual

and my backyard; which I'm obsessed with in Fall <3

no, we did not swim when it was like this lol